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scatterbrained04
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Default May 10, 2020 at 04:12 PM
  #1
I have a history of intermittently doing self harm, as I have bipolar and GAD and other issues. Some times it's a problem, but often I can go long stetches where it's not.

Anyways, I gave up a pack a day or more smoking habit 2 months ago. I'm noticing that now that I quit smoking I've been thinking about and getting urges to self harm more. Maybe because I used smoking as a way to cope with things. It's a struggle. I just constantly think about cutting. I don't really even want to it because I don't want scars. But then I found myself buying alcohol pads to clean my stuff today. Ugh why? I'm afraid I'm going to do it.

What sucks more is that my boyfriend I've been in relationship for 2.5 years doesn't know I do it. No one does. I've not done anything super noticeable since we've been together so he didn't notice. I really don't feel comfortable telling him or him finding out. My pdoc thinks I should tell him. Heck I just told my pdoc this year and I've been seeing him since 2011. It's just such an embarrassing issue to have. I feel so ashamed to be dealing with it. People don't understand. I'm scared how he'd react. Our relationship isn't super close but he'd find out if I slip up and do it because he's the only one who sees me naked.

My pdoc wants me in therapy weekly for this and other stuff. Was looking into maybe doing it then stupid coronvirus hit.

Not sure what the point of this was other than to just vent to people who might understand since I can't tell anyone else. Any input welcome.
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Default May 11, 2020 at 09:56 AM
  #2
I can't say whether or not you should tell your boyfriend as that is an extremely personal decision. I do think therapy can be genuinely helpful, but I understand with COVID going on, it's harder to find a therapist right now. You may be able to find a NAMI support group online. It's not the same as therapy but you can talk with people who are undergoing struggles with mental illness. Though I have found that the meetings I have attended, no one else seems to be talking about self harm. But maybe it would be different where you are.

I do think you are onto something that giving up smoking may make your desire to self harm worse. Congrats on giving up smoking by the way, I'm sure that wasn't easy. Can you make a list of things you can do besides self harm? I'd suggest something that gets your endorphins going like going for a walk/run or dancing. Sometimes just knowing there are other options helps me to not think solely on self harm.


It sounds like you are pretty alone in your struggle with self harm. Do you have any friends or family members that you could confide in if you don't want to tell your boyfriend? It might help just to get it off your chest. Just think carefully about who you tell because sometimes people aren't the most supportive.


I've been working on stopping self harm and the only way I've been able to do it is by having friends that I can text or call and they will talk to me through it. It required me to open up a lot more than I was comfortable with but I did it and it is helping. For the first time in my life I feel like I am finally getting a handle on the self harm. It is scary to reach out--but look you did it here, hooray!!--but it can be enormously helpful if you find the right people to walk with you on your journey.


Best of luck to you. Write here as often as you wish. It's not a very active board but someone will reply eventually. HUGS kit

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Default May 13, 2020 at 01:15 PM
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How are you doing now?

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Default May 13, 2020 at 04:44 PM
  #4
I'm been doing a little better last couple days. Sunday and Monday I couldn't quit obsessing about it to the point where I couldn't think about anything else and could not focus at work. I haven't harmed myself but it's been rough. This morning I wanted to before I went to work. As punishment, I think, in this case. But at least I was able to quit think about it after I was at work.
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Default May 13, 2020 at 04:51 PM
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I'm so glad you have been doing a little better. It's so hard when thoughts get sticky and don't want to budge from our minds. I'm glad you were able to distract yourself at work. Can you make a list of distractions you can do when you are at home? Might help you keep your mind off of it if you go from distraction to distraction. You can always write here too if you want. Someone is around at some point. As an aside, I don't know you but I don't think you deserve punishment, okay? You deserve what every human being deserves: compassion. HUGS if wanted, Kit

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