Rage-Driven Self-Injury?

I punch myself in the face when I get pissed off enough. I've left bruises, and red marks, given myself headaches...usually because I am once again casting my inner eye towards the future (it's not all that great-looking for a variety of reasons) and realize just how absolutely trapped I am. It makes me hate the very idea of going another day, but because death terrifies me, or rather, the idea of cessation of conscious existence, I get even more pissed off and will hit myself even harder than intended. It actually feels good when I have those thoughts whirling in my head and I hit myself. It's like...breaking through.

I am the type who has no problem cutting off my nose to spite my face, and it was only during a recent conversation with a friend that I was able to put into words the idea of it. The universe itself is self-aware and conscious on a level we cannot perceive, and yet, mathematically, this is highly likely. The problem is, it is malevolently inclined towards me, and anyone who comes in contact with me and tries to do so in a way that the disagrees with the Pattern usually has consequences fall on them as well.

lmao I am stuck living in a sort of Final Destination-meets-Groundhog's Day where death is not the goal, but torment is. The idea that everything in my life is there simply as a goad to push me one way or another only further enflames this rage because experiential evidence (highly subjective, I know) suggests that one of the goads most favored is using social interaction and romantic interest to get me to react.

I am not special; there is nothing beyond having lived an evil life when I was younger that calls for this, but that suggests that it is indeed punishment I cannot escape and therefore, what evidence do I have that I have not already died and this is just hell that I am forced to relive over and over, a la A Waking Life?

I cannot escape the system because I am stuck living within the universe, and it is so strongly reminiscent of that saying that the world is a stage and we are merely players that I want to puke; however, that just encourages me further to want to be the actor who goes off-script, jumps into the orchestra pit, and smashes the conductor in the mouth because fk you, Life, that's why.

Idiotic, no? Childish. And yet, I am trapped, and the more I think about it, the more I want to isolate and cut off every form of social hook that life has in me simply so that I will not have to roll my eyes every time a lure comes along. And the more I think about that, the more I want to just smash it out of my head. I've even thought about trying to buy powerful Nd magnets on eBay and wiring them up to old TV transformers to create a power EM magnet and trying to forcibly "re-wire" neural circuitry that way. lmao Insane, I know, but I don't care anymore. I am so filled with either ennui or rage that my ability to do more than cling to the ceiling and not drive my car off a pier is amputated. I am the source of my own problems, and I want to eradicate the source of my problems so they don't return.

*sigh*

Thanks for listening, I guess. I still am shaking because I want to do it, but I have to shower, luckily and get ready for work, and routine is stronger so far than that wolf...

I hope you'll be okay, hugs!

honestly, the future doesn't look too great for me, either (again, for a variety of reasons) and looking back at the past isn't great either (most of it's full of abuse)

I get the groundhog day thing too

eat, sit, use the computer, cry out in agony

basically every day. I can't think of the last time in my life that something good happened that didn't involve either the computer, or watching something good on the tv

and I can't sleep, either, because of the imsomnia/ fibro so it's not even really possible to reset