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Old 06-17-2003, 12:00 PM #1
cryingchild cryingchild is offline
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Default Self Injury

Ive thought so many times, why is it that i cant go on with my life? Maybe i deserve this for something that i did in the passed. Maybe its the way that its suppost 2 be. I remember spending days and nites just thinking "what did i do 2 deserve this?" I dont know yet, and ive been thinking about it for so long. I had a mental break down and just went upstairs 2 release everything, but its not really releasing everything, cause when scar tissue builds up it doenst let everything come out... I dont know im just ranting. I dont want anyone 2 get hurt, i dont want anyone 2 feel the pain that i do. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me......


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Old 06-17-2003, 01:32 PM #2
Zenobia Zenobia is offline
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You deserve better. I deserve better. I don't understand why we self injure. I asked my T why and he gave me the line about how it is a learned response the provides comfort. Yada Yada. I already know this because I feel the pressure release when I hurt myself but WHY do I hurt myself. "What is wrong with me?" I have been in therapy for damn near 3 years, learned tons of new coping skills, am mentally stable 95% of the time, I AM ACTUALLY HAPPY MOST OF THE TIME so why is it I still hurt myself? It is beyond me. I am convinced that there is some way to beat this, there is some way to NOT seek physical pain to release emotional pain. I am absolutely positive we can learn how to move past it all.

Don't know if this all helps, it is my form of a hug. Take care.
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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Old 06-17-2003, 03:12 PM #3
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Default Re: Self Injury

i too hurt myself, not like you guys, but i do, and i think its just that we dont know any other way. everything in life is pretty much a new language to us and weve just learned the self- injury life. Its not just that it relieves us, its just a part of us, were use to it, so we make it a new language or a way of life, and we just haev to say no and stop; its not even that we want to hurt ourselves, it just is. *this is just what I believe*

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.
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Old 06-17-2003, 03:23 PM #4
Zenobia Zenobia is offline
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My T insists that it is also a way to express myself. I can't say the feelings inside so I show it on the outside gaining a measure of relief that way. Unfortunately I sabotage my expression by not letting anyone know that I do hurt myself. My husband had no idea I hurt myself for the first 15 years of our marriage. It took a major break down on my part and shoving the wounded hand in his face for him to see my pain. I hide from my T as well. These last couple of days has shown me how I have been operating in child mode with him. I want so much to be good for him, to make him proud, that I hide what I do, only showing enough to make sure he knows I still need to see him. Not a very productive way to conduct a theraputic relationship.
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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Old 06-17-2003, 03:26 PM #5
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Default Re: Self Injury

aww, youll make it, sometimes we just hide ourselves b/c were too scared to do anything else, we want so much for people to be happy for us. Im sorry about the breakdown, although I wish it would happen to me so that I could stop hiding everything. Anyways, things WILL turn out okay.

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Old 06-17-2003, 03:45 PM #6
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Default Re: Self Injury

Hey thankyou for all the replies.Its nice to know that there are others going through this and its not just me.Its really weird cause I even find myself wanting to hurt myself when Ive had a brilliant day.I just keep thinking to myself "You dont deserve a good day must punish yourself" Crazy or what.I have been self harming for 9 years now,all my therapists said Id grow out of it boy were they so wrong.....I seem to have grown more into it and its the only lifestyle ive ever known.....I would not say Im happy far from it but I feel I have to do this to myself to keep me feeling normal if there is such a word......Im currently not having any help at all I was refered back to my local mental health team but they have told me that they cant help me so It looks like Im gonna have to deal with this alone....Im sorry if ive babbled on its just sometimes I have to talk otherwise I feel like my head will explode....Thankyou for reading this........

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Old 06-17-2003, 03:50 PM #7
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I'm sorry everyone has shoved you away, i can tell you right now that we here will not though. I understand what you are saying about moods not keeping you from harming yourself and what you mean when you say its your lifestyle. But I still believe that we can get through with this even if we do end up hurting ourselves 'til our time on earth is up! (((cryingchild)))

valbends

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Old 06-17-2003, 03:53 PM #8
Zenobia Zenobia is offline
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We can grow out of it? Wow, someday when I am an adult maybe I will be better. I have been dealing with SI for 24 years now. I am hitting middle age and still haven't grown out of it. On the other hand I never tried to do anything about it until just a few years ago. Never admitted I had done it at all. Which means that I have only been working on this problem for 3 years...ok only facing it seriously for...uh...7 days. But hell, what can I say I had other things to worry about at the time. I am just getting far enough past that crud that I can move into this crud. Life is a process not a destination.
Carrie

<font color=green>Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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Old 06-17-2003, 04:02 PM #9
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Life is a process not a destination.
very true!

Through each others weaknesses we find comfort.
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Old 06-18-2003, 02:53 AM #10
WendyL WendyL is offline
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Default Re: Self Injury

One of the websites I looked at gave statistics that said that most people who SI are in their teens and twenties. So what happens with most people who SI when they get out of their twenties? Do they resolve their problems or not live that long or what? I just figured that I must not be typical. I started when I was 5 and now I'm 33 and still do it, but usually only every 1-3 years or so. I do more damage each time though. The last time was in February and I had been really depressed all winter and I used SI to break free of the depression. I started feeling better after that. Not completely, and I think it will always come back, but that was what worked. Just today I told my therapist that I used it as a tool and it worked and he agreed. Of course he had to add something about it not being the best way. I wish I could remember exactly what it was that he said... Anyway, what I am realizing right now is that I use it as a tool. I do it more than I think too (without being aware of it even) if you count stuff that doesn't actually leave a mark for very long - like if I am trying to concentrate on something but part of me would rather drift away and dissociate, I start jabbing myself with my fingernails without knowing it just to stay focused. I caught myself doing that during therapy but didn't say anything.

There are some very good websites out there with good information and explanations of why we SI. If you haven't found them, write to me and I'll share my links with you. It wasn't until recently that I even knew about other people who did it, and knowing that you're not alone and that there are people who can understand really can help.

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