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Old 03-07-2019, 10:03 AM   #21
saidso
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Thumbs up Re: Dealing with adult children

Being expected to support myself financially from a young age stood me in good stead. Some stuff from my childhood sucked, but I - um - read your "you want to be on your own, so this is reality" paragraph with relief. It seems to me that huge numbers of parents make their children dependent on constant subsidies rather than the occasional helping hand for a project: and those kids take forward a dangerous sense of entitlement and unkindness towards the world.

My best friend who was a recovering alcoholic and the most wonderful person who I've ever met - she always "got" boundaries yet her reaction under pressure was always to smash them up - until, much later through much therapy, she arrive at a different awareness of herself. I marvelled at her humanity but also was used to anticipating the boundary-smashing phase until she fought through it.

I would be a terrible parent - a raging insomniac and too reclusive - but I think what you are doing is a gift to your daughter and you know that - but sometimes emotional learning is exhausting.

You are doing so well to hang on to your own recovery - high five and respect for your perseverance and courage. Can you, somehow, shower the kindness and love on yourself right now. Your struggle is worth something (not sure if what I've written makes sense).
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Old 03-07-2019, 12:02 PM   #22
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My daughter was using in high school too....I was so glad she was able to graduate with her class. But the years following were very hard. She ended up arrested for dui and the desicion was made to not bail her out. She says now that was a real eye opener. She made a deal to go to treatment. Her early twenties were hard years. But we got though then and she's been with her SO for 12 years now and they have two kids, a house, two cars, a dog and a cat.
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Old 04-27-2019, 06:45 AM   #23
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My son lives closer than my daughter, but he doesn't communicate often...and always by texting. I know that his life is super-busy, and I love his wife as if she is my own daughter. My daughter lives 2000 miles away with my only grandchild and her husband. Again, her life is super-busy with work, husband, new child and life...... I raised them by myself after my divorce. I never remarried. I think that they think I can still do everything like I always did for all of their life. I can't, but they don't want to accept that either.
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Old 07-28-2019, 12:34 AM   #24
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I have 2 adult children, a 33 year old son, and a 39 year old daughter. Both are married with children, and both live 1100 miles away in opposite directions. I’ve got 5 grandchildren, who I am semi estranged from, because of my daughter-in-law’s dislike for me. It’s so heartbreaking I try not to think about it anymore and am learning to accept things the way they are now. I was lucky to be very involved in my first grandchild’s life - She’s now 19- & we remain close. My son & I talk occasionally, and even face time with the kids, but I’m not a big part of their lives at all. My daughter just got remarried last year and had a baby in January. Daughter has always included me in Christmas & all family holidays. Son’s family used to take turns between his family & hers, but for the past 4 years, they’ve spent Christmas with hers. Thinking that’s the way it will be from here forward!
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Old 07-28-2019, 02:35 PM   #25
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Hi, AuntDesa, and welcome to Psych Central and to this forum! Is it jobs that take your kids so far away? Mine had to go where the jobs are--but at least one is in an adjoining state. I think grandparents can offer so much to their grandchildren. So far I only have a grand dog, though .
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Old 07-28-2019, 04:14 PM   #26
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My son is 33. He does try to call once a week now. When he was in high school he joined the army, and stayed in for 11 years. He now lives several states away, and ever since he joined the army we are lucky if we get to see him every couple years. It is still like that even though he has been out of the army for 5, or 6 years, but he does call. Empty nest is a big bummer, oh and no grands yet. He will get married to his 2nd wife next year, so hopefully grands before we are too old to enjoy them.
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Old 08-12-2019, 07:14 AM   #27
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Default Re: Dealing with adult children

This was me:
Anxiety Makes Me Unable to Sleep All of the Time
so was this:
What Would You Do?
I am finally following my husband, siblings, therapist and psychiatrist's advice and not jumping through hoops helping my children. My children's situations still make me unable to sleep all of the time. A lot more has happened but I am so traumatized by it that I don't want to talk about the specifics anymore. Though I talk to them regularly and occassionally help (paid for a taxi ride just a moment ago), I keep my distance (no questions/mostly meanless conversations) because I have lost hope and that frame of mind does them no good. They are on their own and doing badly. Maybe the hard times will help them eventually?
And this:
What do you do when the person you love was the one that made you suicidal?
Wrote and wrote about my pain. I hope they have an avenue to sort it all out themselves. My husband finally understands. We are both in pain and are much kinder to each other now. Our pain and 31+ years of marriage binds us together.
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Old 08-14-2019, 09:26 PM   #28
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My hubby and I have been married for 31 years, too. Our sons are doing well. But we know they are responsible for their own lives and mistakes now. Our younger son sometimes calls to ask us for advice, but our older son very rarely calls at all. But I think our younger son passes on advice to him!

Yes. not worrying certainly helps with sleep.
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Old 08-15-2019, 08:25 AM   #29
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Default Re: Dealing with adult children

Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
My hubby and I have been married for 31 years, too. Our sons are doing well. But we know they are responsible for their own lives and mistakes now. Our younger son sometimes calls to ask us for advice, but our older son very rarely calls at all. But I think our younger son passes on advice to him!

Yes. not worrying certainly helps with sleep.
So glad they are doing well.

When I can't sleep, I have become more accepting of taking a lot of drugs. Numbness is better than pain.
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