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saidso
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Thumbs up Mar 07, 2019 at 11:03 AM
  #21
Being expected to support myself financially from a young age stood me in good stead. Some stuff from my childhood sucked, but I - um - read your "you want to be on your own, so this is reality" paragraph with relief. It seems to me that huge numbers of parents make their children dependent on constant subsidies rather than the occasional helping hand for a project: and those kids take forward a dangerous sense of entitlement and unkindness towards the world.

My best friend who was a recovering alcoholic and the most wonderful person who I've ever met - she always "got" boundaries yet her reaction under pressure was always to smash them up - until, much later through much therapy, she arrive at a different awareness of herself. I marvelled at her humanity but also was used to anticipating the boundary-smashing phase until she fought through it.

I would be a terrible parent - a raging insomniac and too reclusive - but I think what you are doing is a gift to your daughter and you know that - but sometimes emotional learning is exhausting.

You are doing so well to hang on to your own recovery - high five and respect for your perseverance and courage. Can you, somehow, shower the kindness and love on yourself right now. Your struggle is worth something (not sure if what I've written makes sense).

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Default Mar 07, 2019 at 01:02 PM
  #22
My daughter was using in high school too....I was so glad she was able to graduate with her class. But the years following were very hard. She ended up arrested for dui and the desicion was made to not bail her out. She says now that was a real eye opener. She made a deal to go to treatment. Her early twenties were hard years. But we got though then and she's been with her SO for 12 years now and they have two kids, a house, two cars, a dog and a cat.

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Default Apr 27, 2019 at 06:45 AM
  #23
My son lives closer than my daughter, but he doesn't communicate often...and always by texting. I know that his life is super-busy, and I love his wife as if she is my own daughter. My daughter lives 2000 miles away with my only grandchild and her husband. Again, her life is super-busy with work, husband, new child and life...... I raised them by myself after my divorce. I never remarried. I think that they think I can still do everything like I always did for all of their life. I can't, but they don't want to accept that either.
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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 12:34 AM
  #24
I have 2 adult children, a 33 year old son, and a 39 year old daughter. Both are married with children, and both live 1100 miles away in opposite directions. I’ve got 5 grandchildren, who I am semi estranged from, because of my daughter-in-law’s dislike for me. It’s so heartbreaking I try not to think about it anymore and am learning to accept things the way they are now. I was lucky to be very involved in my first grandchild’s life - She’s now 19- & we remain close. My son & I talk occasionally, and even face time with the kids, but I’m not a big part of their lives at all. My daughter just got remarried last year and had a baby in January. Daughter has always included me in Christmas & all family holidays. Son’s family used to take turns between his family & hers, but for the past 4 years, they’ve spent Christmas with hers. Thinking that’s the way it will be from here forward!
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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 02:35 PM
  #25
Hi, AuntDesa, and welcome to Psych Central and to this forum! Is it jobs that take your kids so far away? Mine had to go where the jobs are--but at least one is in an adjoining state. I think grandparents can offer so much to their grandchildren. So far I only have a grand dog, though .
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Default Jul 28, 2019 at 04:14 PM
  #26
My son is 33. He does try to call once a week now. When he was in high school he joined the army, and stayed in for 11 years. He now lives several states away, and ever since he joined the army we are lucky if we get to see him every couple years. It is still like that even though he has been out of the army for 5, or 6 years, but he does call. Empty nest is a big bummer, oh and no grands yet. He will get married to his 2nd wife next year, so hopefully grands before we are too old to enjoy them.
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Default Aug 14, 2019 at 09:26 PM
  #27
My hubby and I have been married for 31 years, too. Our sons are doing well. But we know they are responsible for their own lives and mistakes now. Our younger son sometimes calls to ask us for advice, but our older son very rarely calls at all. But I think our younger son passes on advice to him!

Yes. not worrying certainly helps with sleep.
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Default Aug 15, 2019 at 08:25 AM
  #28
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Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
My hubby and I have been married for 31 years, too. Our sons are doing well. But we know they are responsible for their own lives and mistakes now. Our younger son sometimes calls to ask us for advice, but our older son very rarely calls at all. But I think our younger son passes on advice to him!

Yes. not worrying certainly helps with sleep.
So glad they are doing well.

When I can't sleep, I have become more accepting of taking a lot of drugs. Numbness is better than pain.
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Default Aug 30, 2019 at 05:57 PM
  #29
I saw my two scruffy, wonderful sons at a family reunion earlier this month. It was great to have all four of us together for a little while.

I'll see one of them again in October and both of them again in November and December.
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Default Sep 04, 2019 at 02:21 AM
  #30
I have a 29 year old daughter who is married to a really good man. My daughter is deaf-blind and her husband learned sign language while they dated. My daughter's and my relationship has been very strained since her mid 20ties. She has a lot of resentment from growing up with my mental illnesses. I'm going out to visit them for the Jewish Holidays next month. I'm terrified. I could really blow it with my daughter. I don't know how to be perfect enough for her.
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Default Sep 07, 2019 at 03:57 PM
  #31
I'm sorry, sheltiemom. Too bad she won't work through her anger in therapy. Could a therapist help you know what to say/do when you visit her?
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Default Sep 07, 2019 at 06:31 PM
  #32
My daughter is 34. She is a grad student at the University of California, Davis. She's married and is "doing well" with her life.

My son is 30, graduated Nanterre University in Paris, lives in San Francisco with his girlfriend (I adore her), and works in the tech industry. He's a delightful person and is having a good life. His passion is traveling.

My daughter and I were not only mother and daughter, but best friends. I mean, truly close...people would ask what our secret was...how did we get along so well? We'd laugh and say, "We're just lucky!"

Well, last November I slammed into a severe depression. It included agitation and delusions. One night I cracked up and wound up IP. I guess my daughter (or her control-freak husband) decided that my mental illness was more than they cared for. My precious daughter has not spoken to me in ten months. My heart is broken and I'm working hard to deal with this disaster.

I'm fairly close to my son; he's a very sunny person, really easy to be with.

All said and done? Adult children are far more challenging than young children are, in my opinion. I absolutely loved having kids and being a mom. Much harder now.

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Default Sep 08, 2019 at 09:42 AM
  #33
For me it is more like 'adult children dealing with mom' at times----a few months ago i got into a slump and i do not remember what i said but i got a call from my 34yo son, after he spoke with his 33yo sister, my daughter, and he told me
You need to get out and socialize
Come here if you need to, you are always welcome
I love you, we love you, you have done very loving things but your moods are difficult to deal with at times...think about how it affects us...
As I began to crumble with shame he scolded "No no, don't go there."

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Default Sep 08, 2019 at 03:09 PM
  #34
BethRags, I'm so sorry your daughter is being mean about your problem. Does she not understand mental illness?

It seems even more of a blessing when our adult children are doing well. I am trying to have a life without mine, keeping as busy as I can, traveling, and having my own friends. I try not to push myself on them--and wait for them to contact me. Our second son calls fairly often , but as I've written before, our first son never calls. It's probably best that we don't live too close to each other, so I'm not tempted to "correct" things about their lives.

Am I wrong in worrying about mothers who say they live for their children? Don't mothers need their own lives?
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Default Sep 08, 2019 at 09:58 PM
  #35
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BethRags, I'm so sorry your daughter is being mean about your problem. Does she not understand mental illness?

Thank you, Trav. I appreciate your kindness. My daughter is on meds for depression/anxiety...seems she would understand. The whole estrangement is entirely confusing, as my husband and I certainly did not raise her to be narrow-minded. But...her husband has some strange ideas, so...

It seems even more of a blessing when our adult children are doing well. I am trying to have a life without mine, keeping as busy as I can, traveling, and having my own friends. I try not to push myself on them--and wait for them to contact me. Our second son calls fairly often , but as I've written before, our first son never calls. It's probably best that we don't live too close to each other, so I'm not tempted to "correct" things about their lives.

Am I wrong in worrying about mothers who say they live for their children? Don't mothers need their own lives?

I did live for them, and battled my way through hellacious empty nest that caused my mental health to degrade dramatically. Just this year I am finally seeing with clear vision that it's time to have my own life.
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Default Sep 09, 2019 at 10:45 AM
  #36
Yes. Parents need their own life after the children are grown!

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