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Old 05-29-2019, 11:09 AM #1
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Default Anguish

I'm packing up and preparing to leave the house I've lived in for 32 years. Moving across the country to be closer to my son -- and young grandchildren. It's time to go, it's the thing to do -- and it's like I'm dying. As is a "social self" of me in a way. I was depressed and pretty dysfunctional after my late husband died 20 years ago. But here in the accumulation of this house, time kinda stood still. Not really of course. But it seemed like it. Me not liking reality, not facing reality, not know what to do, etc. . .

Until now, it's time to leave.

It's a death, of a sort, for sure. And I have 3 elderly cats and 2 who died in the last year. They had been my family -- so I kinda feel like my time is getting close to being up, too. Just because I've been so close to them and so miss the ones who have gone.

But physically I seem to be doing OK. Slowing down some -- balance not so good, eyes even with glasses not so good as when I was younger. So it's possible I could have some kind of new life out there.

It's just that right now, it feels like dying, and it's anguish.

There's a movie out this month -- POMS -- with Diane Keaton about this moving on process. Good to see I'm not alone with it, but still depressing. In the movie, she DOES move on until, before she eventually physically dies.

It's just so. . .hard. Can anybody relate? I was with my late husband when he got his terminal diagnosis, with a friend as she declined and died, etc. Gotta remember, my turn is coming, they did it, I can, too. In the meantime. . .one moment at a time, the moment is all we ever have anyway. Just so hard. . .
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Old 05-29-2019, 09:38 PM #2
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Endings are hard. So many ghosts and memories. The place has been in the family since my great grandparents. The buildings from their time are kind of rotting away, just memories left. I planted gardens for Mom to cheer her up after Dad passed away. I don't have the will to do it for myself now that she's gone. I hope your grandchildren will cheer you up and you soon have a happy life.
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Old 05-30-2019, 10:21 AM #3
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I've just retired and am moving several hundred miles away in 2 weeks time. I lived in my current house for 20 years but (a) can't afford it without working (b) want to live in a smaller place rather than a city for social reasons.

So yeah, I've had 3 weeks of sifting through old memories and ridding myself of an awful lot of stuff. I'm unexpectedly going into rental because a house purchase fell through.

The 3 weeks have been heavy going. I had 7 huge rubbish bags full just with shredded letters, payslips and tax documents. I've made some good plans socially - joined a Facebook group that I like in the areas that I'm moving to - but I also contracted a virus and hit the worst physical exhaustion which lasted for about 2 months.

Finally out of chaos, I feel like it is possible!!! I will actually manage to fit my life going forward into a small van which will contain all the things that I want to take with me. No more suits!!!

There is a lot of emotional processing to wade through but hope that you can find support for that here.
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oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human!

remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear!
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Old 05-30-2019, 10:33 AM #4
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PS I forgot to say that I find myself influenced in my current choices by the awareness that I will die in the next 10 or 20 years. My doctor has started complaining that I have high chlorestorol but I also see other signs that my body is getting tired. I do feel sad that there are some goals which will not happen for me. But I also feel in tune with this stage of life because it enables me to let go of trivia. I feel lucky to wake up in the morning and still have a body! I feel lucky that I was spared the terrible circumstances in which some people pass their old age. I have come some distance from self-hatred and reach out to new people from a more joyful part of my being.
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oh god I am struggling today, help me to remember how to stay connected and human!

remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear!
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Old 05-31-2019, 06:32 PM #5
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Yes, endings are hard, but they also mean new beginnings. Please hang on and look for the good in it all. Okay?
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Old 06-01-2019, 12:26 PM #6
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I went through a bad period like you describe. I had just come back from France, I had no money and didn't know how to go forward in my life. People around me seemed to take consumerism as the centre of their lives and I couldn't live up to that standard. I joined a writing group and wrote about it. I tried joining all sorts of other things. After long deliberation I took a very (ridiculously) expensive loan so that I could improve my home and then sell it.

I questioned myself and everything that I knew about myself. I felt desperate and crazy and that this was somehow my fault. But as an adult financial problems don't just go away and I was forced to keep fighting the challenges one day at a time.

I even looked for an inexpensive therapist but found only people who knew less about life than I did.

It was really hard. I felt terrible every time that I cam back from France. It was like a physical weight on me and I didn't understand why.

Now that has all changed. So I would say, "don't blame yourself. don't feel this is all your making. sometimes life is more difficult that we are prepared to tolerate - BUT STILL... humans are stronger than we think, and have a tremendous capacity to grow and learn"
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remember: the nut shell against human predators and my own fear!
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Old 06-01-2019, 01:53 PM #7
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Gosh, major changes, Here Today. I hate change, I hate moving, so I won't try to offer any advice, just major HUGS. (((((( ))))))

One thing you can carry with you, though, if you want: this forum.
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Old 06-02-2019, 10:41 AM #8
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I have to r-e-a-l-l-y agree with Mopey!

Loss is hard. No two ways about it. Husband. Home. Loving pets. Familiarity. All hard to lose.

But, carry this forum with you. And know that complete strangers are wishing you the best o this new journey.

Blessings...
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