advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Gfofaddict
Member
Gfofaddict has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Covington ga
Posts: 44
3 yr Member
15 hugs
given
Default Nov 21, 2019 at 07:38 AM
  #1
I am 61, my significant other (SO) is 62, been together over 10 years, also dated some when in high school in the 70’s. I feel I have a healthy loving relationship with my parents, but I have questions about his relationship with his mother and would like others perspectives on this.

He always puts his mother first and he has even said things Over the years like the following -if she has mentioned him coming down to visit her (she lives about an hour away) and even if I don’t know she’s mentioned it, if I ask for something for that same time period he will say something Like “ my mom wants me to come down to visit her then , so don’t put me in the middle and make me have to choose becuase you won’t win”

We have had issues with the holidays the last 5 years because she obviously said something to him that she likes or wants him to spend his entire time off with her (4 days at thanksgiving and 5 at Christmas) so that’s now what he does. At that time he changed from working with me on holiday plans, sharing time between both families, my kids and us alone etc to this new arrangement . At that same time apparently something happened unbeknownst to me to make her not like me or even accept me anymore so I can’t accompany him for any of the visit. we had been close prior to that and she liked me very much) he claims he doesn’t know why her feelings changed and she refuses to respond to me directly.

The only reason he gives me now for why he spends the whole time down with her instead of how we used to do things is because “I’m all she has” (father passed away 3 years ago and his sister and her adult kids etc live out of state) and he says I have other family so I’m not alone if he goes and spends entire time with her. Not going to go into how all this situation hurts me but it is just indicative of how he treats me and how he treats her.

I have nothing I can say when he says “I’m all she has” and I’m not going to disappoint her, leave her alone, make her sad, upset her etc because of that. Note this woman is not ill, elderly, has many friends etc.

I guess my question is why do some adult children and their parents stay so attached that they still put them first in their lives as if they are still children and in a nuclear family. I feel as if I’m dating a 16 year old that still lives at home where parents have to come first over girlfriend because you’re still under their roof etc. or that I’m the mistress of someone with a wife that he has to put first before me.

What can I say or do to help him see this will ruin our relationship if it continues.?
Gfofaddict is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Travelinglady

advertisement
Mendingmysoul
Grand Member
 
Mendingmysoul's Avatar
Mendingmysoul has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 907
3 yr Member
807 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 21, 2019 at 12:26 PM
  #2
Please Google enmeshed mother and son.There is a lot of info out there about this.You will have in depth awareness about these behaviours.
Mendingmysoul is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
unaluna
Gfofaddict
Member
Gfofaddict has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Covington ga
Posts: 44
3 yr Member
15 hugs
given
Default Nov 21, 2019 at 05:18 PM
  #3
Yes I have read about it, and both of them seem to want the situation to continue. I was thinking maybe I was just missing something or not understanding but I dont think so lol. I am just wondering why an adult would choose to stay so attached to his parent and childhood family and not move on. It’s just so foreign to me!
Gfofaddict is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Mendingmysoul
Grand Member
 
Mendingmysoul's Avatar
Mendingmysoul has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 907
3 yr Member
807 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 21, 2019 at 06:30 PM
  #4
Sadly these enmeshed men never put their partners needs first.It is always the mother.She comes first.I read somewhere that if mother dies,these men go crazy and depressed. I would like to tell you to take good care of yourself,soothe yourself. It indeed is a strange dynamic between mother and adult son.
Mendingmysoul is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Gfofaddict, Travelinglady
Travelinglady
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Travelinglady's Avatar
Travelinglady is feeling tired.
 
Member Since: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 47,783 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
22.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 22, 2019 at 08:57 AM
  #5
I know he won't change now, alas. Be good to yourself and terrible to say, hope she dies soon, and he'll go into counseling with you.
Travelinglady is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Gfofaddict, Mendingmysoul
Mendingmysoul
Grand Member
 
Mendingmysoul's Avatar
Mendingmysoul has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 907
3 yr Member
807 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 22, 2019 at 09:15 AM
  #6
And in many cases if the mother dies,the role transfers to a sister or aunt.A female figure from his childhood family.So even death of the enmeshed mother does not really resolve any thing.So I suggest to make yourself emotionally strong and be prepared. Please take care of yourself.
Mendingmysoul is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Blknblu, Travelinglady
Travelinglady
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Travelinglady's Avatar
Travelinglady is feeling tired.
 
Member Since: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 47,783 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
22.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 22, 2019 at 09:29 AM
  #7
That's interesting--transfer. Oh, well. Do you have other family members you're close to, Gofa? And see if you can make some good female friends and find some activities....
Travelinglady is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Blknblu, Mendingmysoul
TishaBuv
Legendary
TishaBuv It’s mostly them, and somewhat me.
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 10,122 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,857 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 22, 2019 at 09:43 AM
  #8
Is your relationship with him otherwise good and do you want it to continue?

I agree with the other posters he is overly doting on his mother to the exclusion of you. Is this only during the holidays?

I admire how you can be so upset with him during this time, but then go on to have your normal relationship once the holidays are over like you have done in the past. I am not such a big person to let those kind of things go. I’d have stayed mad and probably broken up.

I’ve had a similar issue in reverse. My young son just got married and completely alienated himself from us, his parents, due to his wife’s ‘brainwashing’(?).

There should be a healthy balance where the man mostly puts his wife first, but also honors his parents’ reasonable wishes.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. At your ages, if your basic relationship is a good one, you will probably just want to find yourself something else to do over the holidays and yield to his extreme need to please his overly needy mother. Gosh, I hope it doesn’t transfer to an aunt when she passes!

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Gfofaddict
 
Thanks for this!
Blknblu, Mendingmysoul
Mendingmysoul
Grand Member
 
Mendingmysoul's Avatar
Mendingmysoul has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 907
3 yr Member
807 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 22, 2019 at 10:23 AM
  #9
Right now,as we discuss this, one of my relative is facing it.After the enmeshed MIL passed away she sighed ...finally it's her turn to enjoy His attention.But guess what?????Now his elder sister has taken over the role.He and his sister planned a visit to her house,husband booked flight for his sister's family.Went to airport to pick them up and called from airport that they have arrived.My relative was forced into the role of a host.It came as a sudden surprise. She confronted this and it seems the husband said it's my sister and I don't feel like asking your permission.And what's the point of asking you ,even if you said ..no...I will anyways go ahead and arrange for them to visit us.And ....I am telling about a relative who is married for more than two decades. First it was overbearing mother who does everything with her adult son ((( except one thing ***))).I am sorry if I got bitter typing this.Now it is the sister.It is maddening to hear that the couple of weeks they stayed.Both brother and sister behaved as if there is no one else in that house.Another strange thing for her to witness is that the father of two adult kids followed his sister just like a clingy toddler.Weird and scary.
Mendingmysoul is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Gfofaddict
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Blknblu
Gfofaddict
Member
Gfofaddict has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Covington ga
Posts: 44
3 yr Member
15 hugs
given
Unhappy Nov 24, 2019 at 03:31 AM
  #10
I can totally see that transference happening. It already is there to a degree with his younger sister (she’s 59) . There is definitely family enmeshment. The mother taught them that loyalty and alliance with their “little family” should always come first, in other words she wants to emotionally hang on to the nucleur family the way it was when they lived at home and were children.

For instance Sister had a family phone plan, mom and my boyfriend were on it with her. When he would forget to send her a check by the 1st she would temporarily disconnect his phone. And then tell him the new payment arrangements two months at a time on the 1st etc etc She would call and text to remind him the date was coming up and if he said he paid it through the bank etc he had to send her a screen shot , or have him send some kind of verification. I finally convinced him to get his own plan, she refused to give him the acct number and pin so he could port his old number that he’d had for ten years to the new provider.

He also needed a new phone so I bought him one for his birthday. Sister accused me Of “handling his affairs” and then told him I probably put spyware and tracking program on it to spy on him! I only found out after he wasn’t going forward to get phone set up and from his responses I figured out what had happened. It became such a huge debacle that I took the phone back and sold it to my sister. He never even said he was sorry for the hassle , deciding after a month to not take the gift ( he had been very happy appreciative and excited prior to her talking to him) etc.

So during that time after she told him she wouldn’t give the acct info she totally disconnected his service so now he has no phone and no service except his work phone. I’m sure soon he’ll have a new one from his mom and on a new plan she “helps” him get.

He actually was with sister and mom the whole weekend prior to the monday she disconnected his service ( she was visting at moms in Seattle from Wisconsin) and she never mentioned a word that she was going To do that. After he realized she did it his attitude was “well that was her choice. “ He won’t stand up to her or his mom at all! So yes I think there will be transference , “she’s family” just like in your example !
Gfofaddict is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Mendingmysoul, Travelinglady
Gfofaddict
Member
Gfofaddict has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Covington ga
Posts: 44
3 yr Member
15 hugs
given
Default Nov 24, 2019 at 03:36 AM
  #11
I do have my daughters who live near me. I have 5 sisters and my mom and long time friends from high school,but right now don’t live near them. Trying to make new friends where I’m living but so far no luck. But I am working on it!
Gfofaddict is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Travelinglady, winter4me
 
Thanks for this!
Blknblu
Mendingmysoul
Grand Member
 
Mendingmysoul's Avatar
Mendingmysoul has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 907
3 yr Member
807 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 24, 2019 at 03:19 PM
  #12
Oh,wow,the sister enmeshment is already happening.Oh my,I am so sorry dear.Keep yourself busy and find some pleasurable activities for yourself.Please be prepared as I think he may not wish to come out of the enmeshment.My relative has given up and turned to spirituality for her solace.Hugs to you.
Mendingmysoul is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Blknblu, Gfofaddict
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 25, 2019 at 12:25 PM
  #13
My husband always put his birth family before me and our children. Always. I tagged along to his family's holiday gatherings for decades, until I finally couldn't face going anymore. So I spent the holidays alone.


After his parents died he began to worship his older sister. She is in charge of our finances now (I'm serious, we have to answer to her as if we are children). No one in his family holds holiday get-togethers anymore and our kids are usually traveling. My husband and I go to dinner on T-giving and Christmas. And that is it. The rest of the time...movies, whatever else, I am alone. Isolated, lonely, and cheated out of a healthy marriage is how I feel.

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Blknblu, Gfofaddict, Mendingmysoul
 
Thanks for this!
Blknblu, Gfofaddict
Mendingmysoul
Grand Member
 
Mendingmysoul's Avatar
Mendingmysoul has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 907
3 yr Member
807 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 25, 2019 at 01:21 PM
  #14
So sorry to hear that, Bethrags.
Mendingmysoul is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*
Gfofaddict
Member
Gfofaddict has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Covington ga
Posts: 44
3 yr Member
15 hugs
given
Default Nov 25, 2019 at 10:30 PM
  #15
Sorry to hear that Bethrags. I’ve always been sad my bf didn’t want yo get married but after hearing stories like yours and others and reading more about enmeshment I’m slowly realizing I’m actually lucky I didn’t get married to him since it sounds like a situation that would probably never get better, most likely worse!
Gfofaddict is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
*Beth*, Mendingmysoul
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 26, 2019 at 12:21 AM
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gfofaddict View Post
Sorry to hear that Bethrags. I’ve always been sad my bf didn’t want yo get married but after hearing stories like yours and others and reading more about enmeshment I’m slowly realizing I’m actually lucky I didn’t get married to him since it sounds like a situation that would probably never get better, most likely worse!

I don't know what the situation is with many men and birth-family enmeshment is. My husband feels that he had the ideal childhood because his parents always told him he did. He has never has been willing to "leave home" and create his own, adult family unit. I mean, he loves our now-adult children, but he definitely never committed to me and the kids in a mature way. It was always his family first. I finally gave up and accepted that it is what it is.

__________________




*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Blknblu, Mendingmysoul
Mendingmysoul
Grand Member
 
Mendingmysoul's Avatar
Mendingmysoul has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 907
3 yr Member
807 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 26, 2019 at 02:08 PM
  #17
I don't want to scare you or sound bitter ,but I read somewhere these men only get into relationship or get married for the only thing they can't get from the enmeshed females from family of origin that is S*X.As heartbreaking as it sounds it is the fact.For women stuck in these kinds of relationships acceptance is the key if wanted to be part of it.If you accept as is ,suffering is less.Best is to not get into such relationship though.
Mendingmysoul is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Gfofaddict
Gfofaddict
Member
Gfofaddict has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: Covington ga
Posts: 44
3 yr Member
15 hugs
given
Default Nov 27, 2019 at 01:43 AM
  #18
In my reading, and in my experience, enmeshed men actually don’t have a girlfriend or wife for sex. The reason is that one of the emotional results of the enmeshment is that the man feels suffocated or engulfed when in a romantic relationship and develop an avoidant attachment style. At first when the love is new they are fine with Sex,but when the relationship starts feeling too close and committed and they start feeling suffocated they get anxious and pull away. This is because of the relationship with mom feeling like they are responsible for her happiness and emotions etc and while they feel they “ have “ to do this and are responsible for it they also realize they are so close they can’t think of themselves so feel engulfed. Since they can’t break away from mom emotionally they can’t handle another woman needing so much from them too so they tend to not get close, truly bond or attach and withdrawing from sexual intimacy is one way to make sure they don’t get or feel too close.
Gfofaddict is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
*Beth*, Mendingmysoul
*Beth*
catches the flowers
*Beth* is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind, body, spirit.
 
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
23.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Nov 30, 2019 at 03:40 PM
  #19
My husband is a lot older than I am. He was more than delighted to meet a sweet, pretty 18 year old girl to caretake him like his mommy did (which is exactly what I did). Sex was a bonus, hey!

One of the main reasons I'm in therapy is to learn how to set healthy boundaries with a man I have always been there for, for 30-plus years - and who almost never meets my emotional needs. He just expects me to be his mama until the day one of us dies. I am thoroughly disgusted with the situation.

__________________





Last edited by *Beth*; Nov 30, 2019 at 07:36 PM..
*Beth* is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Blknblu, Gfofaddict, Mendingmysoul
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 12:58 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.