Help understanding husband's issues. - Forums at Psych Central



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Old 02-06-2019, 01:28 PM #1
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Trig Help understanding husband's issues.

Husband is a childhood rape victim. He was severely traumatized and never told anyone or got help.

I noticed he had severe issues in our marriage and asked him to seek help and he would not.

He finally had a mental breakdown in January and was hospitalized following a suicide attempt.

A lot of secrets came out that Iím trying to process and Iím trying to help him.

He is doing the work and Iím really proud of his progress. He is on medication and is in therapy.

One of our problems is that he cannot remember all of his behavior, even when confronted with evidence. He is admitting to as much as he can recall. He has admitted some very difficult things.

He has always struggled with an addictive personality and compulsive lying. Right now his tentative diagnoses are depression, anxiety, PTSD and bipolar.

He told me that even though a lot of his behavior was sexual in nature, it wasnít for sexual purposes. He did not masturbate or even get aroused by his behavior. He would impulsively do things like sext or watch porn but would feel nothing. So he kept trying and kept trying more and more things and still feel nothing.

He said he even went as far as to go meet people but would turn around before he got there because he realized that a) he wasnít getting anything out of it and b) couldnít follow through.

He said sometimes he would sit and sob because he didnít know how to stop and was so empty and so ashamed.

My problem is that he IS a compulsive liar and I have a hard time wrapping my head around this. Porn with no arousal or masturbation? Forgetting what he has and hasnít done?

In the end I donít really care WHAT he did but WHY and we are trying to get to the bottom of it all. I want him to heal and change his behaviors and so does he. I also honestly don't want a bombshell later that he DID physically cheat, although I'm somewhat prepared for that.

He has other compulsive habits that seem to bring him no joy- hours of xbox at a time, or picking up his phone every 30 seconds to read the same stuff he just read.

Iím especially concerned about the fact that he canít remember some of his behavior.

Any insight or advice would be great.

Last edited by bluekoi; 02-06-2019 at 07:37 PM. Reason: Add triggger icon.
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Old 02-06-2019, 10:17 PM #2
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Default Re: Help understanding husband's issues.

I dont really have any special insights other than compulsive behaviors are often a way of easing stress. They may not bring him JOY, but they may help him to make it through moment to moment.



This is nothing toward you at all, but if I were in his shoes I would rather be going through this alone rather than with someone else. Someone who had been repeatedly victimized as a child probably has trust issues, and to just be open with people about things where he was previously silent has probably been extremely difficult for him.
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Old 02-07-2019, 12:38 PM #3
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Smile Re: Help understanding husband's issues.

I don't know as there would be a lot I could offer with regard to your concerns. However here's a link to a blog, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject "Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery". Perhaps some of the information & insights in these articles can be of some help:

Childhood Sexual Abuse Recovery | A blog by Bobbi Parish

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Old 02-07-2019, 01:49 PM #4
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Default Re: Help understanding husband's issues.

I'm so sorry for you and your husband, ejo84 I think it's great that he's working through his issues and that you're supporting him. I understand it must be pretty hard to deal with all of this. But from what you wrote, it sounds like you're handling all of this pretty well. Just try to listen to what he has to say, be there to support him and remember him that you're there for him. Remember that he's the one that has to go through this. You can only do so much to help. Remember to take care of yourself as well! That's really important. How do you think you would react if you found out that he did actually cheat on you? Unfortunately this kind of thing can happen. I hope things will get better soon for the both fo you. You're both in my thoughts and prayers. Remember that we're here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 02-12-2019, 04:19 AM #5
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Default Re: Help understanding husband's issues.

I think its pretty amazing you are still so supportive considering he said he would be on the way to meet people and then turn around. Personally I would look at something like that as almost cheating and it would be hard for me.
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Old 03-19-2019, 04:48 PM #6
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Default Re: Help understanding husband's issues.

Hi poster, firstly I would want you to have a mental posture towards forgiveness so that you are ready to readily forgive and love him unconditionally when some truths unfold. And yeah, for someone who has gone through abuse as a child would really have trust issues. All you need right now is patience with him and help him build trust in you. Feel free to PM to walk the walk with you.
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