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Smile Apr 17, 2020 at 04:19 PM
  #41
Bit of an update. Been taking a break from posting while I process some things I've been thinking through, and reading, and more recent events.

First off, the day after my last post, K and I had a very satisfying lovemaking session. And what a relief that was. I dunno how apparent it was, but I was losing my mind! I never really understood why some people struggle to focus or think while they're being deprived of sexual relief... I now think I can relate. Before, I was always free to relieve myself when I had the need, I'd do it regularly, sometimes two or three times in a day. But when I was abstaining for that long week... sex was pretty much ALL I could think about for the last couple days, especially being cooped up with K with no real distractions (like work, and I think I would have even struggled at work). Now, after we'd made love, it's like a fog has been lifted. My thinking has so much more clarity, I can focus better... it would be unbelievable for me if I wasn't experiencing it.

Now I'm starting to see a cycle in my sexual patterns. After sex, I can go all day without thinking much about it, and the thought doesn't occupy much of my thinking power or time spent pondering it. It starts like this, and then slowly ramps up for the next few days. Day three (yesterday) after sex, it's on my mind, but manageable. I can still focus effectively on tasks and problem solving, but it's very much there in the background. I suspect if this continues, by day five of abstaining I will be having very frequent thoughts about... anything sexual. And the urge to masturbate will be almost constant. Right now, I'm hit by the desire to masturbate every few hours, especially upon waking in the morning. It will be interesting to observe how things go from here (if a bit maddening). Also, for some reason, discussing sex and sexual things, like on here, helps me manage my urges. It's like getting it out in the air instead of cooped up inside me keeps it from brewing and bubbling over into relapses.

During the last day before I got relief, and in subsequent days as I've had access to the computer, I also went on a bit of a dive into the Sexual and Gender Issues forum, looking for any clues or answers as to how I can manage our disparate libidos, and in turn maintain my abstinence from porn and similar content. I've identified at least one problem I need to work on, and that's my communication.

My communication is abysmal, and even borders on abusive (though unintentionally). I have some bad habits I've developed and I need to start working on correcting them. For example, when K and I get into an argument (and I do this in other relationships), I tend strongly to shut down and not say anything, the silent treatment. This will persist until K finally says something out of frustration that gets me to break my silence, usually in counter-productive manner. I'm probably going to start a couple new posts, one in Relationships and Communication, and another in Sexual and Gender Issues, to help keep this one focused on helping me manage my addictions, and to get better focused input on those more specific issues.


As for how I'm doing on the addiction front... still going strong, though I've had a couple close moments admittedly. During the last day before relief, I was going batty with need! I'm still not sure how I even abstained from masturbating, but I did, and I'm glad I did. Though I want to find a way to limit how often it gets that bad, because that bordered on unmanageable. And last night, I almost had a relapse while playing a video game and K was sleeping next to me. I wanted to click into a browser and look up a fave erotic story of mine that I used to use for imagination inspiration (think roughly 16th-17th century BDSM/Non-con with privateers and public punishment/exhibitionism. Hits so many of my likes/fetishes). I resisted, but barely, and that was by reminding myself of how disappointed K would have been if she woke up and caught me, how hurt. So last night was when I recognized the signs that my need is ramped up again. If I don't get relief over the next couple days, it's going to get much worse. And by day 6 and 7, I'll be thinking about nothing but sex, sex, sex. I hope I can find a way to communicate my needs to K and that we can come up with a suitable solution. Fingers crossed.

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Last edited by medievalbushman; Apr 17, 2020 at 07:04 PM.. Reason: fixed timeline
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Default Apr 18, 2020 at 04:25 AM
  #42
It truly is a one step at a time matter and I'm proud that you are holding strong. Communication is such an important thing in any relationship. I have a very difficult time with people who are "my way or the highway" types or the kind who just gloss over your needs. I think that is great that you had that insight. Only with good introspection can we hope to see why something is not going right and fix it. It sounds silly and simple, but I found that switching to the "I" statements when discussing needs and issues really helped. I can really empathize with what you say about putting up a wall. I learned that from my dad and I do the same thing. When I feel my husband's Crescendo of Doom beginning, I start to dig trenches and harden bunkers for the coming onslaught. He has gotten better, but most times he's a steamroller, unable to process disparate information and unable to listen. He has an agenda and that is to win the fight. I go underground and start the guerrilla war, striking at the flanks and rear since a discussion or a head to head confrontation will not work.

I hear you on how the mind steadily moves towards sex. It's a human need and some need it more than others. Sexual pleasure is a foundation of my emotional well being and I think about it a lot. I draw a lot of inspiration from video games. I hate to admit that my Skyrim game turns into a Harlequin Romance, bodice ripping adventure in my head.

Give this some good thought on how to communicate what you need. It's important. When I was introduced to BDSM it was trust and good communication that convinced me to give it a try.
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Default Apr 18, 2020 at 10:37 PM
  #43
@ARaven0137 hahaha, yeah, I'll admit I do the same with many of the RPG's I've played. Mass Effect and Witcher in particular. Speaking of Harlequin's, those are a guilty pleasure for me. Likely because of nostalgia, they were what got me into reading anything romance and eventually erotic related. I mean, looking back on them with a critical eye, most of them are pretty poorly written and cooky cutter, but there's still... something about them that if I had time alone with some, I'd likely still end up reading them.

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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 03:35 AM
  #44
Quote:
Originally Posted by medievalbushman View Post
@ARaven0137 hahaha, yeah, I'll admit I do the same with many of the RPG's I've played. Mass Effect and Witcher in particular. Speaking of Harlequin's, those are a guilty pleasure for me. Likely because of nostalgia, they were what got me into reading anything romance and eventually erotic related. I mean, looking back on them with a critical eye, most of them are pretty poorly written and cooky cutter, but there's still... something about them that if I had time alone with some, I'd likely still end up reading them.
Mass Effect?!?! Nooo, I think I'm in love! That is truly one of my favorite games of all time. I just finished ME3 again and am starting Andromeda once more.
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 06:30 PM
  #45
Man, them Turians though... K and I both have a thing for the Turians. We tried roleplaying our Turian OC's together once, but our roleplaying styles and objectives are too different. We didn't get far with that. I'm very action oriented and in roleplaying I'm very much about the smut. She's more into the emotional aspect and the relationship between the characters. She's also a much better RP'er than I am. I only used to RP as a means of letting my sexual imagination loose. So while I like building the scenarios and the "world", and can do a pretty good job of that, it's so I have a well fleshed out world in which to... mess around in. Rather than enjoying the process and the character interplay it facilitates, which is what K is more into. It's interesting how much RP'ing can reveal about certain aspects of oneself, though.

Andromeda is bittersweet for me. On one hand, it's the best gameplay the series has ever had. The jump packs added a sorely needed element of verticality to the gameplay, and the way they revamped the powers system was excellent! On the other hand, the story was super lackluster for me, which is a shame, because it could have been the BEST story in that universe yet, all the potential was there. They had some good characters, the setting and context offered so much, and the seeds of an epic and moving story were sown... they just weren't given the time and resources to germinate into something fruitful. So it wasn't bad... but it wasn't great or what they had promised either. OH... and I was super disappointed with the culmination of romancing Vetra. She's one of my fave companion characters, and the actual romancing was full of sweetness and genuine romance building... but they chickened out on the SAUCE! Peebee and other characters got SAUCE, but not the Turian?! Smh, Bioware can be utter wusses sometimes, lol. That's okay, K and I (back when Andromeda first came out) found some really good Turian... ahem, spicy artists that helped fill in this gap. It's too bad I can't go back and look at them now, but that's just the way it be.

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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 04:11 AM
  #46
I once did a cosplay as Miranda Lawson. Yeah, it was kinky, so I get the smutty aspect! I do love the relationship in the game too so both parts appeal to me. I even did a lot of fanfiction for ME and some other genres and yeah, they were somewhat romancey.

Yes, I really liked the gameplay. I did miss having nearly all of your powers at your disposal rather than just three. Yes! The premise was incredible and so was the beginning. I suspect that, like ME, they anticipated a sequel and DLC to where they could have build upon the universe. Oh, agreed! The Garrus romance was...ok in it's ending where you just put your heads together. C'mon, really? I thought the Jaal romance from femRyder was the best. I haven't done manRyder yet, but I hear Cora is pretty good.

Call me an ME fangirl, but I had backstories for all of my multiplayer characters. I got pretty good and one of my friends was top 20 in the US.
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Default Apr 22, 2020 at 08:46 PM
  #47
Been struggling the last few days with some issues. My depression is back, which has in turn caused my sleep schedule to be all over the place as I can't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning and then I just want to sleep all day. K doesn't let me, which makes me grumpy, but she's right not to let me sleep the day away. But, this has caused feelings of resentment in me, which have been compounded by my sexual frustration. Add on top of this one of my wisdom teeth coming in and causing me unending pain for the last few days, and well... I'm not feeling so great. That problem even makes it difficult for me to eat right now. We just had four feet of snow melt in less than a week, so the yard is nothing but slop. Can't even get the car down the driveway (because it's only a claytop driveway right now until we can get some gravel in). So trying to get any yard work and cleaning done feels like it only makes things worse at times. And I feel like I haven't gotten done any of the tasks I'd set for myself this month. So overall, feeling crappy as heck these past few days, and this has made porn look mighty appealing.

I even had a small relapse last night. I clicked onto the erotic literature site I'm so fond of, opened up a story. I got a couple paragraphs in before I was spooked by K rolling over in her sleep, which made me panic and click out of it. Felt like crap afterwards. I knew I'd have a relapse, but that doesn't make it suck any less. And even so, right at this moment that site is calling to me. I don't feel like I can talk with K about it, just the mere mention of it makes her angry. So here I am trying to hang on, distracting myself with this post.

I did, however, finally work up the courage and some words to say to K to try and communicate how I'm feeling, what with my sexual frustration and all. It was difficult, but I'm glad I tried. Difficult because I was forced to confront my own failings (yet again) and how they contribute to K's low libido being even lower. But, some good did come of it. We came to the agreement that it is okay for me to masturbate to help manage my needs. I didn't manage to convey all I felt I needed to convey, as our discussion became sidetracked and bogged down in other stuff, as it so often does, but we did manage that, and we didn't have a blow up, so I'm calling it a win in my book. I'll see how things go, and how well I do working on my problems that K brought up, and I'll try again to continue the communication. I feel like I didn't convey the level of my needs, that even when I've brought it up in the past, she didn't quite "get" what my needs are. She might not again, but at least I'll be trying. And I feel I need to work on better understanding her needs so that we've a more harmonious sexual relationship. She brought up good points that I need to discuss with her more.


In the meantime, going to be doubling down on my mindfulness exercises, and trying to get over my depression funk by FINALLY getting some stuff done around here, try to get back into some semblance of a sleep schedule. I feel that now I have permission to masturbate freely, I'll be able to manage that need better, and hopefully have an easier time getting to sleep.

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Default Apr 23, 2020 at 02:41 AM
  #48
Oh hang in there! I'm glad there was some movement towards a happier medium and it sounds like communication is getting better.

I think I've hit a new low in my marriage becoming an awkward roommate arrangement and I think my BPD stalker is hitting terminal velocity in his rush towards becoming a supernova. We've moved past the sobbing, screaming phase into the self harm, cutting himself, throwing himself on the floor and pounding it phase. Like seriously, pounding on the floor, screaming how terrible I am. I never thought I would see something like that in an adult, but it's right there on video. I feel the temptation to tell him to stop, but I know it's his manipulation. On the note of masturbation, I'm still horrified and amazed that he can be bawling like an infant and sexually aroused at the same time. When you thought you'd seen it all....

Hang in there and I feel you know the way forward.
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Default Jun 05, 2020 at 08:15 PM
  #49
Figured an update is well overdue. I've been hanging in there. Still managing to resist porn, have had some tough moments, again induced by not being careful enough on youtube, but I've largely managed to get out quickly enough once I've realized I'm in a trigger zone. I've had some improvement with weathering my depression, managed to push through and get done some projects I've been needing to get done. Got my chicken coop built, just waiting on trim and osb sheeting for the interior to finish it up, and I've already got my chicks in there, cheep cheeping away. So that was a big weight off my shoulders. We got our garden in as well, with some success already so far. Still waiting on other seeds to sprout up, but we've got beans, onions, and radishes all growing. Waiting on potatoes, peas, and carrots to show themselves (fingers crossed). Also recently got a bunch of cleaning up down around the property, getting my dad's junkyard more organized and less noticeable. All of this has helped me distract myself from my addiction, which is a yay from me.

Next big projects I need to get underway are getting my wood shop built (still just a floor atm), building a root cellar ASAP, and getting firewood stocked up for the coming winter. So I've plenty more to distract myself with.

Finally, while I have been very successful on the porn front... I'm still struggling with erotic literature. During the course of getting projects done and stuff cleaned up, I happened upon a stash of erotic books I had tucked away in storage... and I have failed to stay away twice now. I really ought to get rid of them, but I'm loathe to burn them (I hate burning books), and I still feel like it would be for nought anyway (due to my prior attempts that I've described). I've been able to stay away for about three weeks now, but the struggle is real. And this in turn has led to massive cravings to go on the-erotic-literature-site-that-I-shall-not-name. Almost as difficult to endure as when I first quit porn. So yeah, not all sunshine and dandelions, but, still trucking along.

I should also update how things are on my relationship front. Mostly good, tbh. Our relationship has improved quite a bit, there's a lot less tension between us now, laughter and mutual enjoyment of each other's company comes a lot easier, which is great. However, on the sex end of things, mostly the same. We're still only having sex about once every couple weeks, and when we do have sex, my ejaculation dysfunction is still very present. For both of the last two times, I had to finish myself by hand, and it was a fight up a mountain to get there. Other than that, both times were splendid, but my dysfunction still really put a damper on the mood at the end. I think this is definitely a factor in the frequency of our sex.

That's about it. No miracles, no disasters, just taking it a step at a time. K and I have been discussing doing yoga together, we just haven't had the time to get a proper space cleared up for it. I'm interested in it after learning about the benefits it has for cardio as well as flexibility. I feel like it could provide a massive improvement for me as a fighter, and of course the mental benefits as well. We'll see.

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