Pornography/Erotic Literature Addiction

Hei all, just wanted to share my story so far and get a sense of where I can go from here. I'm addicted to pornography and erotic literature (and more broadly, just surfing the internet). I define it as addiction for myself because it's a habit that interferes with my daily activities and chores, and that threatens my relationships. And I've been fighting this addiction for easily ten to twelve years. I've done things to satiate my addiction that make me profoundly ashamed, but I'm now finally facing up to it and trying to turn it around. This post is lengthy, for which I apologize.

It's been a winding journey. I feel some background is appropriate because I think it provides some insight into how I've ended up this way, how some factors compounded my problems. I grew up in what many would call a religious household. Church every Sunday, prayer daily, frequent discussion of religious and spiritual topics. Sex was sacred ground reserved for those who'd committed to the holy ritual of marriage. Anything sexual outside of that was verboten (though sex within the confines of marriage was to be encouraged). Discussion of anything sexual, largely discouraged (though sex was never described as disgusting or bad, just not talked about).


I hit puberty, and suddenly I now have this sex drive that I don't feel like I can discuss with anyone. But, I was at the time a voracious reader, and low and behold, what did my mom have stashed in the crawlspace? Smutty romance books. Those were my nightly inspiration for some time. Then I found more books, and slowly amassed a small collection of faves. Conflicting with this was my shame born of the religion I'd been raised with. I went through a cycle of burning and re-amassing collections until I got tired of it and just kept them because I knew I'd just get more, so why bother? I started seeking out other inspirations (because I can only skip through so many romances before they all blur together, lol... frazzled woman serendipitously meets rich handsome man, they're stuck together through some mad-cap circumstance of her life, they end up boning a couple times, then they get married and have some kids, rinse, repeat... harlequin's finest).


I was best friends with the kid down the road, thick as mud we were growing up. His family had tv, whereas mine didn't. They also didn't share my family's religious mores. I often ended up spending the night at his place, hanging out watching movies or tv shows till we passed out. One night, he fell asleep while I didn't, and I started cruising the channels. This is when I discovered the sex channel (If I remember correctly, it was straightup named SEX, but my memory is suspect). Oh, the joy of discovering soft-core porn! Already, though, I'd learned I should keep my budding sexuality hidden, so I turned down the volume before clicking in to the channel. I've still got a soft spot for Emmanuel to this day (terrible as it was). Oh, and does anyone else remember the... "blue slipper" or "blue ribbon" specials or some such? I can't remember the exact name.


Anyway, this too became a habit, a habit that escalated. My friend and I discovered his dad's porn stash. I started looking for any excuse to spend the night at my friend's place. And I tried to keep the extent of my activities as hidden as possible from him, because even I knew my behavior was damned weird. I had let myself get so dependent on this fleeting source of fodder, that I had actually made a mental note of when my friend and his family would be gone to visit their extended family for a visit... and I would have a rare opportunity to their home tv unfettered. So when that time came, I snuck out of my home, walked down the road to theirs, and let myself in. For whatever reason, I kept the volume down, perhaps out of habit, and started watching. About 15 minutes later, I heard noise upstairs. I panicked, clicked the tv and channel box off, and as quietly as possible bolted out the door through the gargage and then pressed myelf against the garage wall, waiting and listening. I heard voices discussing, saw lights clicking on, and then off, heard them retreat back upstairs after they finished looking for the disturbance. Around this time, my guilt set in, the deepest shame I'd ever felt. A rock in my throat, and ice in my veins, I went back and knocked on the door to face my friend's parents.

The shock, disappointment, sadness in their faces is still fresh in my mind. They were incredibly understanding, though also still angry with me for the trust I had violated. They called my parents and sent me home for one of the hardest and most searing soul grilling discussions I'd ever had with my parents up to that point. My parents made me promise to never look at pornography again, and that I would never ever violate our neighbors trust like that again.

I failed on both counts.


My relationship with my best friend and his family was irrevocably damaged after that night. However, slowly I was allowed back into their lives. I don't think my friend knew at the time what had happened (he actually had been gone), but one can still sense this kind of disturbance. I was eventually allowed to stay over again. And for a long time I was "clean", not so much as even clicking on their tv. But, eventually, I let temptation get the best of me, and I found myself turning on the tv late one night and turning down the volume to scroll to that channel... to find it was locked. "Oh. Ok, well that's that." Yeah, they didn't trust me that much, and all too rightly. Roughly another year later, and they needed a house sitter. I got the job. And what did I do? I went looking for that porn stash. It was gone, and I looked in places I knew damn well I should never have looked. I don't know if they knew I had went looking, but it doesn't matter whether I was caught or not. Just the fact that I succumbed yet again and stuck my nose in the private spaces of people who trusted me remains one of my greatest shames in the dark recesses of my memory.

These are not the only similar experiences in my story, but I feel it does an adequate job of depicting the lengths I went to in order to satiate my growing NEED for all materials sexual. For a long time, I blamed the environment I grew up in, and I still think it played a part, but it can't shoulder the burden of my own failures. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway because "I need to get off!" I came to think I was hypersexual, and perhaps I am, but I've never been officially diagnosed as such. I do know I've a more aggressive sex drive than most, just through my own observations. Not an excuse, but again, I feel it plays a factor.

My early adulthood was a repeating cycle of gathering sexual materials, be it books or dvds or magazines, usually by purchasing them (even when I shouldn't have because of tight funds), then experiencing self loathing, getting rid of most or all... and then starting over again. I would stay up way later than I should have on work nights, trying to satiate my need, or wrestling with myself mentally to not go get more materials. Show up to work extremely tired and making mistakes or just being slow. I tried to shift it into video games, which had similar problems but at least I didn't have the same associated guilt, didn't hate myself as badly. I was frequently called in to see management over either being late, or being too tired to perform at my usual level (which was normally a high bar for me, despite all). This all cycled into the depression that was increasingly manifesting itself.


My addiction, coupled with my depression, had so frequently made my life such self-loathing hell, Eventually, I came to grips with my sexuality, accepted it while shedding my religion. I went through a period of exploration, joining sex-oriented communities and even being part of a polyamorous group for a while. It felt good to no longer hate my sexual side, to let it out and recognize it as a good part of me. To have it accepted by others was even better. I was now holding my job down, and could now afford internet, which I explored porn on freely. But all of this was just a mask. I was still addicted, but now I was living a life where I was free to orient myself around my addiction. This worked for a time... but of course, it was doomed to crack, and fail.

During this time, I met a girl, and though I didn't recognize it then, it was love at first sight. We started seeing each other, and it quickly became serious. It wasn't long before we moved in together... and that's when the cracks started to show. After the intial shower of sparks from our love igniting had faded and died, and it was time for the slow burning embers to take hold, my dependence on porn very quickly began to interfere. I wanted to grow my life with this woman who I now, miraculously it seemed, had a serious relationship with, but I... was stunted. Short of time. Unable to share of myself fully with her. I was failing to provide that which she needed to feel loved and cared for.

Again, I was spending too much time on porn, on satiating myself. Hours spent, gazing at a screen full of lewd material. Meanwhile, she was right behind me, waiting for me to turn my attentions to her, the woman I professed to love. I was messaging other women in the community I had been using to orient myself before, instead of addressing our own mounting problems. I was burying my head instead of facing our growing needs, and even now failing to address our already existing ones. My crutch was showing it's cracks.

How she stayed with me through that, I don't know. I've railed against her, cursed her, mentally hurt her in so many ways. Yet she's still here. One of the strongest women I've ever met. She helped me see how I was failing her, and failing myself, and though I stumbled frequently, she helped me pull myself out. I shut down my sex-only accounts on the web, and severely curtailed my porn viewing. I started my tumblr up again once, but after she found out... god, that still eats me inside. My betrayal. I've stayed true on that front since... but I'm still failing elsewhere.

And here's where I'm at now: I'm still struggling hard with my porn addiction. I've taken to sneaking it behind my girl's back, lying about it. And about ten months back, she caught me in an emotional affair with a mutual acquaintance. I almost lost her then, entirely. I initially blamed it on her "not understanding" and "needing someone I could talk to", but that's such ********. That is the most hurt I've ever seen her, and I never want to put her through that again, but I'm seeing the signs, the cycle spinning up again. She's caught me in my lies about the porn, visual and literary, and I've been failing in my personal responsibilities at home, which so far hasn't impacted my work, but it will. I feel like all my progress (of which I have had some, I have to keep reminding myself) will be for naught if I don't find a way to break this cycle. But I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, like it's inevitable. I've been through this cycle so many times in so many ways, and this past year, the suicidal thoughts have started to come back. Not severely, they're fleeting, but they're there when I hadn't had them for a long time. I can't go back to where I was, that hell, and I can't put my loved ones through more of this. I've tried telling her to get herself out now, multiple times, but she refuses.

I've got one way out, and that's addressing this life long struggle of mine in a much more effective manner. I just have not a clue what that is. So here I am. Searching.

Sorry for this long *** life-story post, but I couldn't figure out a better way to put it, and believe me, I tried my best to cut it down. I skimmed a lot of detail, but this stuff at the very least I needed to put down in words.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult struggle. My mental health concerns are different from yours. (I'll spare you the details.) But in my own way I actually understand a lot of what you're dealing with. It is all incredibly difficult as well as confusing. Here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Digital-Age/Conditioned Porn Addiction: A New Version of an Old Problem

Treating Different Categories of Sex/Porn Addicts

Does Watching Porn Affect Intimate Relationships? (Part One: Men)

Six Reasons People Quit Using Porn

What It's Like to Be a Porn Addict? An Interview with Noah Church (Part 1)

What It's Like for an Addict to Quit Using Porn? An Interview with Noah Church (Part 2)

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-a...addictive-sex/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-a...dium=popular17



P.S. Here is one more link. It is to an article that talks about how to survive suicidal thoughts:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...idal-thoughts/

Thank you, Skeezyks, it will take me some time to go through the articles you shared, and process them, but I WILL do it. Part of my struggle so far with learning about porn addiction is how much misinformation or poorly/not at all researched articles there is out there. For a long time, I've used the excuse that "there is no such thing as porn addiction" because much of the "research" that had been done was performed by groups with an agenda, religious or political, and was highly suspect. So I brushed it off and blamed my problems on other things. Like my depression. Or "the world" (for lack of a better descriptor).

Also, thank you to bluekoi, for the minor edits to add the trigger icon and code. I'm still learning the ins and outs, dos and don'ts, of this forum, so things like that I do appreciate.

[WARNING: SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT]

This is already helping, btw. Being here on this forum, I mean. I had the compulsion just an hour ago, while I was alone in the kitchen/living area doing some cooking, to click onto a porn website. It was triggered by some risque music video on youtube (which I use to listen to music while I'm doing chores/cooking), which led to another, and another, and I had the strong desire to masturbate. In fact, I started to while watching the videos. But I stopped, thinking of my fiance in the bedroom (waiting for the rice pudding I was making, lol), and so I clicked onto here. Somehow, just reading through the subforum has helped quell the urge. I think in no small part because re-reading my mini-novel of an OP was a solid reminder of why I need to stop. Which brings up a thought I had: I suspect I'm not alone in this, but I have found I bury my past failures way deep in my mind, will actively push them back. Part of it, I feel, is as a way to cope, get through the day. But another part of me, the more cynical part, believes it's so I don't feel guilt when I continue the actions that are the build up in the cycle. I mean, when I feel that guilt, I mean really FEEL it rather than just acknowledge it, it kills my desire and compulsions. Dead. But, I have in the past lingered too long on my failures, which has led to resurgences in my depression, sometimes very serious ones. So I'm not sure how to balance this. I need to remember the bad actions I've committed as a result of indulging in my addiction, remember why I'm trying to quit, but I also need to... I'm struggling to find the right words. Carry on?

Also, I personally don't feel masturbation is a bad thing in and of itself. However, I've come to believe it's an action I should no longer engage in because of the problems it generates for me. Because I could easily lay in bed and masturbate for hours. Multiple times during the day. Which would be okay if I didn't have much more productive and important things to be getting done with the time I spend masturbating (which I do in conjunction with wasting time on the internet, so it's a double whammy habit).

Another problem for ME masturbating is that while I have little difficulty making myself come, when I'm having sex with another person is another matter entirely. This is something I found out during my exploratory period. This might sound like bragging, or a good problem to have (and for a while I thought it was great!)... until you've experienced it and the frustrations it generates, not just in yourself but your partners. When I have sex, I find it extremely difficult to achieve orgasm. No problems maintaining erection (unless I've been going for hours and I'm just plain exhausted), but ejaculation during sex is a major achievement, not a foregone conclusion. Which brings me back round to the problem with me masturbating. I can masturbate and achieve orgasm 3-4 times in as many hours. But if I masturbate and orgasm within two days of sex, achieving orgasm during sex is near impossible. I know this problem is mostly psychological, but I've learned that my physical state plays a lesser part. Additionally, I suspect a great deal of this problem is due to desensitization by my over-exposure to porn, but I haven't confirmed this.
"Again, why is this a problem?" some might ask. I'm going to dip into my religious background a little here and bring up a story from the old testament. In this story, there is a man who is married to a woman he doesn't much like. Back in that period, a woman's self and societal worth was heavily tied up in her ability to bear children. So to spite his wife, this man would have sex with her, use her, only to then finish himself all over the floor and deny her that supremely important act. When you really think about it and understand the dynamics at play here... that's pretty effin sadistic. Now, I'm not trying to wholly equate my actions with his. His and my motivations are vastly different, but the result is somewhat similar (barring the reproductive aspect). I think most people derive a great deal of gratification from sexually satisfying their partners, it's one of my favorite things about sex. Now imagine how frustrating it would be if nothing you did could produce that visceral evidence of their satisfaction (regardless of how much they might be enjoying your ministrations). Now imagine how much your frustration would be amplified if their own prior actions made it all but impossible for you to achieve this, and you're only finding out after 1/2+ of trying... You might feel cheated, or devalued. I know this causes my girl a great deal of distress, as she has expressed this to me. It angers her that I won't save myself for our time together, that I will expend my energy on some person acting on the internet instead of giving it to her, the woman who loves me. Who can blame her? Is she, my fiance and the love of my life, not more important than some rando exposing all on the internet?

This in turn has a major negative impact on our love life, as one might imagine. While I, a heterosexual male, am easily visually stimulated to arousal (I mean, I get aroused watching her walk down the hall), she requires more than looking at me to get her libido riled. And if she feels my attentions are elsewhere, that severely dampens her sexual desire for me (no way?! Who'da thunk, right?). Combine that with our already disparate libidos (she's content with no more than once a week, maybe twice, while I desire sex almost daily), and the difficulty I have achieving orgasm during sex, and it's a right cluster. On one hand, she needs me to save myself for her, but on the other even when I have had a miraculously successful month of restraining myself (extremely rare, but I have managed it before), that doesn't increase her natural libido, leaving me in an unfulfilled state for longer than is usually manageable for me. And I'm not trying to shuffle off the blame onto her libido, that would not be fair or accurate, but it is a factor in our relationship that I have to account for. And I'm not sure how to manage all of these different factors together. I was using this as one of my self justifications for masturbation, but that's not an option for me anymore. I'm not willing to suppress my sexuality again either, as I feel the religious suppression I experienced in my youth was a factor in some of my worst failures, failures who's severity I've not come close to repeating since I embraced my sexuality. I'm in a bit of pickle as a result. I feel like I'm trying to walk a balancing beam, but the whole while the beam is burning under my feet and I'm going to fall one way or another. This in turn has generated nihilistic sentiments in my mind, which distresses me.

Anyway, it felt good to explore my thoughts and feelings in a bit more depth, to get it out in writing. I think I'll keep doing this.

I've been reading the articles Skeezy shared with me as I've gotten time, and one lead me down a rabbit hole that ended up at this article. Does Porn Addiction Cause Male Sexual Dysfunction? - Sex and Relationship Healing It's scary how accurate it is, and provides very plausible reasoning.

Hmmm, I can actually empathize with much of what you are going through. My SO has mood swings that last a while. I'm going to take a stab at saying it's consistent with bipolar disorder and it does run in his family. So, we can have a dry spell for a while where he has no libido, while I have always had a strong one. When he comes back around I find that I have some difficulty getting back in the swing with a partner. I realized that, when I'm by myself, I know how I like to be touched and there's no mystery or fumbling so I get it right quickly and every time. My SO is also Catholic and he does have great difficulty discussing anything intimate.

Anyhow, I'm glad that things are already helping. I noticed that you're into history and medieval combat. I was an SCA hanger on and I also fence, do kendo and iaido so I enjoy a lot of combat sports and sword related things. Perhaps there's some Freudian meaning in there.

Small world, @ARaven0137, small world! I'm actually an active SCA member at the moment, and enjoying it thoroughly! I've been contemplating getting into the cut-and-thrust side of things to give me some variety outside of heavy, but it will have to wait until I can afford to do more.

And %100 agree, self love is much easier and is a nice immediate satisfaction. I have rarely had a masturbation session I did not thoroughly enjoy (in the moment at least). But, I do find it much more satisfying and... ugh, struggling with words, "deep" feeling? More connected? when I achieve orgasm with my love. I also find it a lot easier to maintain that good roll when there's less downtime between lovemaking sessions. Less time in between for me to get myself in trouble. And more easily achieved orgasms when I'm with her next. So it's rather unfortunate that she and I don't share similar libidos, and also why I struggle to keep my hands off myself while waiting for our next time together. Combine that with my developed addictions, and well... it's a small miracle when I can make it a week without indulging.

I hope you and your SO can find a way to openly discuss your intimacies, I know how difficult it can be to resolve these kinds of issues otherwise. Some of the toughest fights my girl and I have had partly stemmed from how difficult I found it to confide some things with her, and she with me.

I also did a lot of theater in college, much of it Shakespeare so there were a lot of theatrical duels. My maitre d'armes d'escrime also taught theatrical fencing so I got to use the rapier a lot as well as a blunted replica broadsword in Macbeth (in the final battle at Dunsinane Castle, after I bit it as Lady Macbeth). I've also seen a fair amount of HEMA and enjoyed observing.

I have to agree with you there. I love the intimacy of having a partner, the sense of closeness and just having fun. Unfortunately, when my SO goes through his depressive cycle, he's just not physically or emotionally available. This could be a couple weeks or more. It's frustrating for me in that, for the first couple of years, it was several times a day. Then, a couple times a week. Then, hardly at all with occasional spurts. Like you said, I could still go several times a day and be happy.

Communication is a sore spot for us. It's like we're on different frequencies a lot of the time. I get to the point where I just wait until he comes out of the funk and not address it at all. I've given up asking during dry spells. I can tell I have some dysfunctional behaviors that are growing out of this. I always have been an incurable flirt and it gets worse when there's a long dry spell. I can also tell that my emotional bond with him fizzles out too during those times and we're more like roommates with two cats. And then, my patience is very thin with him too and he gets a lot of eye rolling from me. I've also lost all guilt pleasuring myself during dry spells and while I'm traveling for work.

@ARaven0137 I can relate to the roommate feeling at times (and the multiple cats, we've got three! lol). What we have found is proving an effective method of counter-acting the "roomie" problem is making an active effort to get out on dates at LEAST once a month, better if twice. They don't have to be big dates, it can be as simple as going to a movie or getting dinner or even just setting time to go driving around listening to music. I used to not set much stock in this kind of stuff, because "we spend most of our time together anyway, whats a couple hours going to do?" but my mind has been changed on this. Setting aside time dedicated to just enjoying each other rather than merely living together is vital, at least for us.

I can't speak too much to the possibility of bipolar you mentioned earlier, but I CAN speak to depressive cycles and how they affect intimacy (emotional and physical). When I'm in the midst of a depressive cycle, I struggle to connect with my girl. It's like... for me it's like I'm so disconnected from myself that connecting with her becomes nigh impossible. It's not that I don't WANT to be connected, but I feel weirdly PHYSICALLY incapable. I have no idea why it feels like a physical thing, but it does. It's a real feeling of there being a... like a coating on my connectors. Like, if you were trying to plug in a power cord to a machine, but there's no electricity flowing because the connection prongs were covered in a non-conductive grease or something. And inside the machine, there's a similar problem where the proper flow of electricity is inhibited, so the machine is performing poorly and sputters. When everything is right, the electricity moves freely, there's not film or grease getting in the way, and the machine performs beautifully. Another way it can feel is like wandering through a fog trying to find a way out, but being unable to. Dunno if this helps at all, but there it is.

The being on "different frequencies" you described is also quite relatable. Some weeks, it feels like we flip-flop each other's frequencies multiple times, but it sounds like you're describing much broader frequencies, more long-term. I can say that during my depressive cycles, yes, I have much greater difficulty tuning into my girl's frequency, which makes communication difficult. Again, that fog feeling. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to figure that ish out, so I haven't much advice. My best advice would be try not to be too harsh or judgemental in your frustration. I know his demeanor makes things difficult, believe me, I know! I've seen the frustration in my own SO's eyes. But if he's anything like me, he'll clam up worse if he feels like you're being overly critical of him or that he's become a tiresome burden. Forgive me if that's not accurate to your own interactions, just trying to go off my own experiences. What I have found gets through to me is when my girl takes the time to GET physical eye contact from me, like by gently cupping my face and turning my attention to her before asking of me what she needs (like paying her more emotional attention, or getting stuff done around the house). Again, this has got to be gentle, at least for me. But that physical attempt at emotional connection, especially through the eyes, I find to be very helpful in piercing the fog. I guess my question would be is he aware of and working on his mental issues? Because there has to be give and take on both sides for this to be worked through.


On another note, my SO and I were also MUCH more physically involved when we first got together, and it has gradually leveled out over time, which seems to be common in longer-term couples, but I don't think this is the same as your situation. It sounds like your dry spells are quite dry. Usually for me, it's as a result of my SO's frustration with my behavior or emotional disconnect. Our longest dry spell thus far has been about a month I think, and that was during one of my depression cycles. For you, it sounds more dire, like it's gotten worse with time. Has his mental state also deteriorated over that period? As for your lack of guilt over self-pleasuring, I'm not sure you should be? I feel guilt because it directly impacts my physical intimacy with my love, and because I usually partake in conjunction with some form of porn. Achieving orgasm with her is a lot easier if I've abstained for at least four days, because by that point I'm JONESING for an orgasm, so my physical needs will overcome my mental blocks. It doesn't sound like you have that problem, but I could certainly be wrong about the reasoning. That you mentioned it at all indicates concern to me.

Oooh, before I forget, wanted to relate a success I had today! This morning, my SO left for work earlier than me as I was scheduled later, so I had a good three hours of time alone. This kind of situation has frequently proven my downfall, as time alone at home means a)I've no pressing concerns to occupy me, like work or an immediate chore b)she's not home to catch or stop me, and won't be for some time, which means I can relax and take my time rather than have a furtive anxious experience.

I resisted! Everytime I felt the urge (which was frequently through that three hour period), I actively brought up thoughts of her and what I was trying to achieve, why I wanted to stop, and what could happen if I gave in. So, a small success for me, but one I needed nonetheless.

That's a great way to put it. I've heard similar things from my guy. It's like that for me to with my lack of emotion. I often joke that I'm Vulcan or a robot in that I just don't feel emotion very deeply. I'm fond of people, I love being affectionate, I laugh a lot, but the depth and intensity of emotion is lacking. I also say that I'm a cat in human form. I go about my business, I come by when I need to, but then I'm off hunting again.

On that note, I'm very much the one who is, hey, do what you want and I'm good with it, while he tends to be the critical one. It's something of a traditional role reversal - he's very neat and persnickity, I'm less neat and less caring about chores and organization. He's very emotional while I'm more stoic. He complains about me working too much while I complain about his nagging.

@ARaven0137 "I also say that I'm a cat in human form. I go about my business, I come by when I need to, but then I'm off hunting again." That feels quite familiar, I'm typically quite similar in modus operandi. I clearly misunderstood your situation, btw, sorry for that. With that cleared up, then I must admit my experiences leave me at a loss for suggestions or advice. My next question is how well does he receive affection? Does he seem to crave things like hugs or massages or petting? Or does this make him uncomfortable? And what about yourself, if I may ask?

When it comes to my SO and I, while I enjoy affectionate attention, I don't go out of my way to seek it... while she CRAVES it, lol. Her general mood is often noticeably improved when I try to remember to do something as simple as massaging her scalp or petting her back.

I seem to be turning this into an update/accountability post. So today wasn't so great for me. Same deal today, my SO had work earlier than I, leaving me to my own devices until my own scheduled shift. And I caved. I masturbated today while watching "spicy" music videos on Youtube. But! I did stop myself short of finishing. So there is that. However, I also had a chore today that I really shouldn't have ignored in favor of this as our heating relies on it, and that was getting some firewood prepared for the woodstove. Also could have plowed snow, our driveway really needed it. I think something I need to study up on is procrastination, as it feels like I use masturbation as a procrastination tool as well as being addicted. It's easier to resist when I have little going on but when I should be doing other things... LOOK OUT!

I think this forum is a great way to keep tabs on ourselves and our progress...or backslides. I use to journal and I got out of it, but I find putting my thoughts to "paper" makes me feel better. I was finding myself irritated at my SO. He's been on his high phase for a few days now and it's like living with a tornado. He can't stop moving, can't stop talking, can't stop tinkering with things. He tells me to do something and then takes the tools out of my hands. So, he went to bed and I found myself rather pent up. I suppose it's different for women. It's a slower burn, but I have more wood on the fire.

I had a very bad weekend. My SO and I had two of the worst fights we've ever had in our four year relationship on Saturday and Sunday evening. They were fomented by me confessing that I had continued to watch porn after the big fight we had last spring, and had been lying to her about it. I confessed because I needed to get it off my chest and start a clean slate.


She took it pretty hard (understandably), and when she gets hurt she will hold onto it and hound it relentlessly, which I in turn do not handle well. She expressed how hurt she was, how my actions made her feel ugly. She said that if she were more attractive, I would be much more capable of resisting pornography and be faithful. I tried to tell her that's not how this addiction works, that it has nothing to do with my attraction to her and everything to do with how I've hijacked my dopamine pathways, all that. Wouldn't accept that. We went back and forth, I don't remember all the details because Sunday REALLY overshadowed Saturday. We managed to calm down and get some sleep.

Sunday went mostly fine, with me doing some chores and cooking. Nothing happened until we went to bed. And then she brought it back up. Re-expressed how it made her feel. Demanded I swear I would never look at porn again. I initially refused to make this promise, for a couple reasons: a) I've been down this road so many times and have lost all faith in myself and my ability to maintain a porn-free life. It's not that I don't want to quit, it's that I've tried countless times and have always failed. I had given up on trying, hence why I tried to continue and hide it in the first place. b) Because I've failed her enough times now that she doesn't believe me when I make a promise, so what's the point? I know from previous experience that right after I swear, she'll just say she doesn't believe me. I despise wasted words.

But, she wouldn't accept my refusal, nor my reasoning, and throughout this she was getting increasingly irate and louder, almost yelling. My continued refusal set her off. I tried to maintain my calm, but everytime I would try to respond, she would yell over me, and I wound up yelling back in order to have any kind of say. More back and forth, going nowhere. I finally got fed up, and tried to leave the bedroom so I could get some space and calm down, asked her to leave me alone for a moment. I went to the other end of the trailer we live in. But she followed me there, continuing to scream at me, and now tossing in insults along with her feelings and accusations. She expressed she felt she couldn't trust me because of this (and the emotional affair I'd had last spring), and that now she believed that when I stayed late at work to get some more hours (and much needed income), I was actually using that time to cheat on her with women at work. I vehemently denied this, but she was having none of it, and proceeded to call me disgusting, faithless, and all manner of other insults interspersed with stating that I made her entire life miserable. She accused me of doing nothing but masturbating to porn during a 3-week period of unemployment I experienced this fall, and that's why it took so long to get a job, why nothing was done at home, though I pointed out the contrary. Then she said I could have had a lot more done at home, which I could not deny. It was my fault we're poor, live in a trailer that needs a lot of TLC, that our home is a mess,

At this point, I'm yelling back at her again, telling her she should get out, that if I'm so disgusting to her, that if she really can't trust me anymore, she should cut her losses and get out now, leave me if she hates me so much. She says she has nowhere to go, to which I started to respond she has her mother or her father to go to until she got back on her feet, but she interjected,


I was at a loss as to what I could do or say at this point. I wanted to leave the trailer, get some space and clear my head, but the last time I tried to leave during a fight, So I was backed into a corner, having already admitted my guilt and my failings, having tried to cool down but allowed no reprieve, having asked her to leave me alone, having tried to acquiesce to her demand for my promise at some point, having tried everything I could think of to defuse the situation. But still, no reprieve, and in my mind, no escape.


What does any cornered animal eventually do? So I went on the verbal offensive, stating that I was not solely to blame for her misery, I attacked her own mental and physical health issues, pointed out I wasn't the only one living there, and generally made a bigger mess of things. But she didn't back down. She kept pressing, kept the pressure on me.

I finally snapped. I had enough presence of mind to still have boundaries. There were things even then that I was very conscious that I refused to allow myself to do. But everything else... everything else was free game. I smashed two acoustic guitars. A guitar stand. A computer tower. Two monitors. A defunct laptop. A keyboard. A round shield. Put multiple dents in the 12 gauge metal boss on the shield. Destroyed the thick plastic basket of my rattan "sword". All belonged to me. With the exception of a speaker that I mistook as mine. Every time I laid hands on something, it was with the goal of expressing my anger and frustration, and demonstrating to her that I would keep going until she stopped. Every time she opened her mouth to continue the fight, I smashed something. At a couple points she goaded me on, even suggested the computer tower I had put together on my own, because I'd used it to watch porn, which I gleefully acted on. I fractured my left hand hammer fisting one of the monitors. She finally got me to stop by threatening to smash one of the windows if I didn't put my electric guitar down. But when she started in on me again, that's when I grabbed my shield and sword, and went outside to wreck those too. She was ready to listen after I came back in.

I regret it all now, but at the time, it felt... frankly, good. To let my frustration out in a wave of pure destruction... I can now understand why vandals exist. I should probably be scared of myself now, scared of doing worse next time. I don't fear that, though. Even at the height of my destruction, it was controlled. Under the blistering violence I was expressing, there was still a voice of reason. I always knew where she was, always aware of the range of my violence, making sure she stayed outside of it. Even when she at one point tried to step closer, perhaps to intervene, I ordered her back out, would brook no argument or disobedience on this count. I could have smashed my shield and sword basket inside our, but I knew that for the level of violence and energy I would need to exert to do so, it would be too much in such tight quarters to risk her safety. So I took those outside

But I know how dangerous this is, how my thoughts around this could make me complacent. It should never EVER have gotten to that point... but it did.

I'm seeking a therapist this week. I should have long ago, but always felt it was unaffordable. I don't know how I'm going to make it work now, but I have to. Because I CANNOT let this kind of fight happen again. And I don't know how to stop it.

My SO and I seem to be okay for now. After we had exhausted ourselves yelling, and me destroying my belongings, she gave me some space to calm down, and we talked enough to go to bed and get some sleep. We're quite amiable again these past two days, but... all that hurt is of course still there. She expressed to me on Monday that my actions had scared her. I'm still processing that, but the feelings raised by knowing she now has a physical fear of me... they're unpleasant, to say the least. Sickening if I dwell on it. I've mostly felt bone tired these past two days, drained. That's partly why I've taken so long to recount this event. The other part of that is that my time online is restricted, and I feel like I can't write about this if she's looking over my shoulder. I only have access to the internet (and this forum as a consequence) on her laptop as I have no devices of my own anymore. I was using the xbox to view porn, so now all devices with internet access now have a password lock to help dissuade me from acting on my impulses. It's definitely helped, imo, but I was resisting on my own before. But, it really demonstrates how little she trusts me now. I don't blame her.


Anyway, that's about all I can write down at this time, I need to wrap this up. Suffice to say, this has been a tough week, and it's only Tuesday. While I have not succumbed to viewing porn of any sort, visual or literature wise, I did masturbate once, on monday. I caved, realizing she'd have absolutely no desire for me any time soon, and I sorely craved something that felt good. So I masturbated in the shower, to completion. I made it a mere 9 days. Here's to ten days, hopefully more, on this next run.

I am so sorry that you went through that. I'm glad that you were still able to make good decisions like going outside and not wanting to hurt her. I don't get like that very often, but I still know my boundaries and limits. That must have been emotionally exhausting.

I had a pretty rough week with my SO too. He wanted more of a home maker and trophy wife and I'm just not that. The never ending battle is over my lack of home making sense and how I don't obsess about housework like he does. We play this game I call the push me pull you in which he stews about something that he wants, but doesn't tell me. Then, when I figure it out, he tells me not to do it and then gets angry because I'm not doing what he wants. I bit back and it's been chilly for a few days.

@ARaven0137 Thanks for sticking around here, it feels good knowing I've got someone rooting for me in here. I would like to do the same for you, so I apologize for not responding sooner. I'm struggling with what I now recognize as withdrawal symptoms, and it is making it difficult for me to maintain a good frame of mind with which I can properly engage in discussion with you. Mood swings and fatigue have been the big ones, with a little irritability mixed in. Anyway, it sounds a lot like most of your struggles stem from an inability or unwillingness to communicate. Particularly on his part, but I know from experience it usually goes both ways. Also, when you say "home maker" and "trophy wife", could you please describe what you mean so that I know I'm on the same page? I hope the chilliness has or soon will turn around for you, masturbation is great but as reliable and enjoyable as it is, I've found that some good hard sex is hard to compete with! lol My porn addiction only has a chance because it's got an unfair unnatural advantage.

Speaking of, I've been doing some reading and looking around for information. Found a couple great resources. First, I finally finished another article I found through the ones @Skeezyks sent me, and man! This one was enlightening! The Ultimate Guide to Overcoming Internet Porn Addiction Seriously, Skeezy, I can't thank you enough for the start you gave me. Next, this second bit is the only time I've been thankful for the all-seeing-eye of our benevolent overlord Google, but this popped up in my YouTube recommendations. YouTube Going to be implementing the strategies provide in this video, see how it goes.

So, I finally have some semblance of a plan of action outside just "not watching porn". I need to start practicing meditation. I've already been doing something Skeezy recommended (somewhere), practicing mindfulness when I've felt urges, and that has helped a ton. Also, I'm going to start practicing the Metascript Method developed by the fellow on the YouTube channel I've shared. Once I've gotten in the habit of doing these things, I'll worry about where to go from there, this will at least be a very good start.

Despite the struggles I've been facing, I'm now at two weeks of successfully resisting porn! I'm experiencing the withdrawal symptoms, but I'm managing so far. This is the best I've done in a long long time. So yay for that!

I'm happy to be of support to someone with such great interests! No problem when life takes priority. I'm glad to see things are smoothing out for you. I'm proud of your progress. I totally agree with meditation. I love it, but don't do it nearly enough.

Communication was never our strong suit. From my perspective, he can be a "my way or the highway" kind of guy. I spend a lot of time with one foot on the highway. I also spend a lot of time apologizing for everything.

He is big on a clean and orderly house. When we first got together, that was a flash point for us. I'm relaxed while he had to have everything in its place. He's told counselors that he wanted a housewife and someone to care for the home. And his behavior towards me has always been one of disdain for my career and pressure to take care of the house. If I resigned and just stayed home and sat on the couch, awaiting his next task order he would as happy as could be.

For trophy wife, I'm quite attractive and he's always wanted that to show that he "made it." Ideally, I would just look good and take care of the house. My work has always been a point of conflict because I spend less time doing housework.

That guy with BPD I mentioned in other posts wanted that too. He's a year plus long friend who wanted more. He told me he wants a beautiful girlfriend to show off to his family and friends to make them jealous or show them that he's worth something.

While I'm very glad for my looks it's a double edged sword. I get a lot of attention and I've learned how to work it, but I get a lot of attention and sometimes I have to work it.

I do know what you mean by just having great sex with another. I miss the closeness and the feel and the smells and just giggling and having fun.

But keep up the great work! I'm totally in your corner.

Bit of a good news update.

Been getting lots done lately, despite not being into work (due to this Covid kerfuffle shutting my work down), lots of stuff that I've been putting off at home. Had some struggles with resisting masturbation and finding a way to circumvent our current measures to prevent me watching porn, but I did resist, so yay! And good thing tlo, because the cravings... oh lord, the cravings were intense at some times. Especially because due to my efforts, my SO has had renewed interest in sex. So, for several days there was lots of teasing and tempting, but due to a variety of circumstances, there was a lack of fulfillment despite desires on both our parts.

That finally changed yesterday.

And DAAAAYUM! I had forgotten how good it could be! This was a good reminder. Now, granted, I had been quite pent up for a while, so that was definitely a factor, but I'll take this win! Admittedly, it is a LOT easier to orgasm when you've been holding back for weeks, and this is a strategy we've used before, but I've often failed this strategy simply because I failed to resist, or I'd been on a porn binge and was sensitized to that instead of the real deal (usually a combination). Not this time. In fact, this time it was almost too easy. I'm used to half-hour plus marathons but this was done in five minutes! And easily more satisfying for BOTH of us than many of the marathons have been (though I will be trying for longer periods in the future because honestly, I wanted this one to last a little longer, it was so enjoyable). I say both, because in the past she has expressed to me that when I don't achieve orgasm, it doesn't matter how long we go or how many times I've made her climax, it's soured for her because in her mind it's "what's the point if he doesn't join me? Does he not enjoy being with me that much?" no matter how much I reassured her that 3/4's of the fun for me was seeing how much pleasure I could make her endure (which is one of my favorite things about sex, btw. Pleasuring my partner makes me feel accomplished, and I take great pride in it).

Before I admitted my addiction, one of my excuses for my DOS (delayed orgasm syndrome, dunno if that's technically correct, but I'm rollin with that) was blaming it on my circumcision. I had read in some studies that many circumcised men struggled with similar symptoms due to problems associated with the loss of all those nerves in the foreskin. For some men, they just couldn't achieve enough stimulation, for others it would reach a point where it would be almost there and then it was like their nerves became raw. I thought that maybe that's why I struggled to orgasm. Every time my DOS flared up, it felt like I reached the tipping point, but then just stopped or became OVER stimulated so that rather than sending me over the edge, I experienced too much sensation and it became almost painful. What I started doing to overcome this was to create scenes in my head, like directing my own porn, often substituting scenes or images I had viewed in and altering them till I found what mentally stimulated me best and fit with what I was doing. For a while, this would work often enough. But eventually it stopped working too. I also reasoned my ability to orgasm while watching porn away as "Well, I just know what I like, and my hand can manipulate me just right, and it still takes me a while anyway! Maybe normal sex is just too much for my physical senses and I'm better able to control the sensation with my hand?" That was some of my reasoning, flawed I now believe.


Perhaps my circumcision is indeed a contributing factor, but I now think it much more likely that porn is the problem for me, as much of the blockage is mental. Time will tell, I guess.


Hopefully, we'll get to a point where we can have sex multiple times in a week with no DOS for me. If her libido will allow. I'm beginning to suspect it's like waves for her, but they're unpredictable and highly susceptible to disruption by outside influences, especially stress. Who knew? Regardless, I'm going to need to come up with a strategy to help me maintain control during those ebbs in her tide, because I know from prior experience that some of my most vulnerable times are during those periods, when it feels like I'm just holding on and on, waiting for her libido to come back, and then I'll get an itchy trigger finger, empty my magazine... right before her libido surges up again. And I'm effed, a soldier facing a charge with an empty gun. Had that happen WAY too many times. What I'm doing now seems to be working, but I fear it might not be enough for those longer periods.

@ARaven0137 Do you and your SO have assigned house chores for each other? My fiance and I have been working out what niches we each fit and what we share, and so far I'm the cook and outside chores guy, and she's the laundry gal, with us sharing dishes and general house cleaning. Part of the conflict between she and I has been my failures to fulfill my end of things (due to wasting time on my addictions), and my counter to that is that I do a lot she wouldn't have the first clue about doing (ie. firewood, hauling water, fixing anything that breaks, vehicle maintenance, household maintenance). There are times I feel like I do the bulk of the work around the house, and it's only a problem when I fail to do so because I'm the only one doing it.

I don't think that's a fair light to cast it in as there are things she does at home, and on a fairly consistent basis, but that's how I sometimes feel and I have a hard time seeing it from her side until we have a fight. Then, I feel shut down and silenced because all my failures get thrown in my face and I've nothing to defend myself with. No one is quite as capable as she is at making me feel inadequate and I find it a difficult feeling to move on from. It often makes me resentful.

ANYWAY! May I ask what kind of work he does? And what do you feel is your strong suit together?