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Trig Mar 03, 2020 at 09:50 PM
  #1
I make porn. sounds great . I'm open sexually and such until you realize i am an 18-year-old high school senior who lives with my parents who DEFINITELY wouldn't approve. I love doing it (porn, not sex or anything. I'm a virgin, ill get to that later) I love the attention and the adoring viewers and watching the views go up. it consumes my day. I am getting better each time I start again ( this is the 3rd time), getting better at balancing life and porn, better at hiding it from my mom who would seriously hurt me if she found out.

like I said. I've never had sex. my videos are me alone. I am ugly and obese so I couldn't get a guy IRL if I wanted to. I'm kind of worried about how I will act in an actual relationship. I struggle with physical contact yet I am a very sexual person so I feel like I would be leading them on only to back out at the last second out of fear since I am basically all talk and i am 10x more smooth online than I am irl.

it could get me into awkward situations. someone could find out and that terrifies me. so many bad possibilities yet I still long to continue.
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unlikemostothers
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Default Mar 06, 2020 at 08:54 PM
  #2
Just because you're overweight, doesn't mean that you are UGLY. If were truly UGLY no one would bother to view your videos. At your age there is nothing wrong with being open minded and sexual. You say you are uncomfortable with your body, but yet you want others to see you nude. It must give you some type of thrill … you keep going back to it.
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Default Mar 07, 2020 at 02:44 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by unlikemostothers View Post
Just because you're overweight, doesn't mean that you are UGLY. If were truly UGLY no one would bother to view your videos. At your age there is nothing wrong with being open minded and sexual. You say you are uncomfortable with your body, but yet you want others to see you nude. It must give you some type of thrill … you keep going back to it.
most of my viewers have a fat fetish I think, whether they realize it or not. I enjoy it because I am an exhibitionist and after the initial nervousness of showing myself, it stopped bothering me whatsoever. the problem isn't necessarily that I do it . its that I am obsessed with it. I completely disregard the risks while I'm horny but remember them and start to hate myself for it after. plus I am unable to orgasm so I only do it cus I'm horny and to please others. I get very little relief and its temporary. I get played and manipulated a lot yet I still do it
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Default Mar 07, 2020 at 05:04 AM
  #4
This doesn’t sound like something you are doing to feel good, rather it sounds like it is really hurting you. It’s not empowering, it’s degrading, since you say you get played and manipulated.

Why is orgasm impossible? I’d shut the camera and continue to explore my own desires and body. You are not a spectacle for others to gawk at.

Teen years are hard. You have so much learning about yourself.

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Default Mar 07, 2020 at 10:46 AM
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This doesn’t sound like something you are doing to feel good, rather it sounds like it is really hurting you. It’s not empowering, it’s degrading, since you say you get played and manipulated.

Why is orgasm impossible? I’d shut the camera and continue to explore my own desires and body. You are not a spectacle for others to gawk at.

Teen years are hard. You have so much learning about yourself.
I do enjoy it. it feels good and it's fun but obviously, with that kinda stuff, I meet a lot of A-holes. and I can't orgasm cus of multiple reasons. I have depression and anxiety which makes it harder as well as taking anti-depressants which also makes it more difficult, there is probably other reasons but those are the big ones. and I have taken pretty long breaks but I can never seem to get into it as much unless someone is watching or listening. porn doesn't work much for me plus im kinda picky.
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Default Mar 09, 2020 at 08:14 PM
  #6
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I do enjoy it. it feels good and it's fun but obviously, with that kinda stuff, I meet a lot of A-holes. and I can't orgasm cus of multiple reasons. I have depression and anxiety which makes it harder as well as taking anti-depressants which also makes it more difficult, there is probably other reasons but those are the big ones. and I have taken pretty long breaks but I can never seem to get into it as much unless someone is watching or listening. porn doesn't work much for me plus im kinda picky.
Yes, certain anti depressants make it hard to impossible. There are some brands that don’t inhibit orgasm. I can see how being watched is a good turn on for you without the anxiety of a real life intimate experience.

Do you think you can find a balance that serves you while cutting out the A holes? Is that part hurting you?

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Default Mar 09, 2020 at 08:28 PM
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Yes, certain anti depressants make it hard to impossible. There are some brands that don’t inhibit orgasm. I can see how being watched is a good turn on for you without the anxiety of a real life intimate experience.

Do you think you can find a balance that serves you while cutting out the A holes? Is that part hurting you?
I'm not going to change my meds, it can be hard to find a medicine that works and all I can think is to get into a real relationship but still, I don't think I am mentally able to have a relationship because any time I have tried, i ended up hurting them so ill settle for the occasional jerks in favor of hurting someone I care for. plus it leads to funny stories
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Default Mar 10, 2020 at 12:37 AM
  #8
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I'm not going to change my meds, it can be hard to find a medicine that works and all I can think is to get into a real relationship but still, I don't think I am mentally able to have a relationship because any time I have tried, i ended up hurting them so ill settle for the occasional jerks in favor of hurting someone I care for. plus it leads to funny stories
Lol, I’ll bet you do have funny stories. You could self publish a book and sell a million copies. Why not?

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Default Mar 10, 2020 at 07:56 AM
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Lol, I’ll bet you do have funny stories. You could self publish a book and sell a million copies. Why not?
I am a chronic procrastinator lol, i have tried to write these complex fiction stories and they barely saw the light of day, plus it would be a short book. my interesting stories only go back since like jr.high and my family would disown me if i publicly said anything bad about them and everyone i know would know i did porn. ill stick to anonymous internet posting lol.
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Default Mar 21, 2020 at 05:34 PM
  #10
Hey random, thanks for sharing your concerns with us here, I hope you're doing okay. I've been looking at your thread off and on for a bit, trying to formulate a helpful response, but... frankly, I got more questions than anything so I'll ask those. But first, while you might be obese, that doesn't make you ugly. Ugliness, imo, comes from within, and the people who are truly ugly could be (objectively) 10/10's but have the worst personalities and opinions on the planet. The people I describe are manipulative and cruel, and have no concern whatsoever for the people they hurt so long as it gets them what they want. You don't strike me as such a person, so give yourself a hug from me please.

So, questions! Do you live in a religious household and is that the source of your concern over being caught (and being hurt! be safe please!)? You mention your depression a fair bit and that you're on medication, is there anything else you're doing to work on this problem? Your obesity, you're clearly down on yourself over this, are you trying to exercise or change your eating habits to address this? (btw, don't beat yourself up if you're not, that won't help you, it will just feed your depression) Finally, are you taking measures to protect your anonymity while you are making porn?

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Default Mar 25, 2020 at 03:51 AM
  #11
Hey @random1human does this make you happy?
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Originally Posted by random1human View Post
I make porn. sounds great . I'm open sexually and such until you realize i am an 18-year-old high school senior who lives with my parents who DEFINITELY wouldn't approve. I love doing it (porn, not sex or anything. I'm a virgin, ill get to that later) I love the attention and the adoring viewers and watching the views go up. it consumes my day. I am getting better each time I start again ( this is the 3rd time), getting better at balancing life and porn, better at hiding it from my mom who would seriously hurt me if she found out.
Would your mom be upset like any mother would be? I would be upset if my teenage daughter or 20 year old daughter made porn simply because I wouldnt want them to be an object that someone can just google up to watch and do whatever they want an use my daughters for it. Or do you mean your mom is always abusive and this is another thing that would make her abusive? What do you mean by hurting you? Do you mean physically abusing you? I do not think you are ugly but you obviously think you are ugly. And when we think we are ugly we care less about what other people do to us or use us for because we think we are so ugly we dont deserve anything better. Is that how you feel? I know you are technically adult but they have proven over and over that the adolescent brain does not finish developing until your 20's. That means the decision making parts of your brain are not that of an adults. Is this something you want to pursue as a career or make money from?

like I said. I've never had sex. my videos are me alone. I am ugly and obese so I couldn't get a guy IRL if I wanted to. I'm kind of worried about how I will act in an actual relationship. I struggle with physical contact yet I am a very sexual person so I feel like I would be leading them on only to back out at the last second out of fear since I am basically all talk and i am 10x more smooth online than I am irl.

it could get me into awkward situations. someone could find out and that terrifies me. so many bad possibilities yet I still long to continue.[/QUOTE]

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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 02:30 AM
  #12
I'm coming from another perspective, a semi formal user of porn. I feel self conscious about my weight too. I've had sex with many guys, and never really orgasmed. I want to find a relationship, but I'm afraid of going back to the one night stands, not even that, I'd never stay the night (except once). I've regretted every choice.

I've had to tell lies to my family, my parents are against everything sexual that I do, including masturbation. And I live with them, and I'm 32.

Keeping secrets is hard, and doesn't help depression one bit! Don't you agree?

I'm not going to tell you to stop or to continue. I will say if you do start having sex, the current behavior could get worse! I'd be careful. Hiding more from your family is Not easy. And eventually the secret may come out in the open.

It did for me, and I felt bad, and did what I always have done submit to my parents. Even if I kinda liked the feeling of being powerful around men. Now I'm alone, and I'm not expecting to find someone to marry.

Be careful. I'm here if you want to talk.
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Default Apr 17, 2020 at 08:23 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by medievalbushman View Post
Hey random, thanks for sharing your concerns with us here, I hope you're doing okay. I've been looking at your thread off and on for a bit, trying to formulate a helpful response, but... frankly, I got more questions than anything so I'll ask those. But first, while you might be obese, that doesn't make you ugly. Ugliness, imo, comes from within, and the people who are truly ugly could be (objectively) 10/10's but have the worst personalities and opinions on the planet. The people I describe are manipulative and cruel, and have no concern whatsoever for the people they hurt so long as it gets them what they want. You don't strike me as such a person, so give yourself a hug from me please.

So, questions! Do you live in a religious household and is that the source of your concern over being caught (and being hurt! be safe please!)? You mention your depression a fair bit and that you're on medication, is there anything else you're doing to work on this problem? Your obesity, you're clearly down on yourself over this, are you trying to exercise or change your eating habits to address this? (btw, don't beat yourself up if you're not, that won't help you, it will just feed your depression) Finally, are you taking measures to protect your anonymity while you are making porn?
my whole household is athiest lol. it's not a religious thing. my mother is just angry and has caught my trading pictures and had hit me for that, I used to have a caseworker but she was awful and got fired and I have been trying to get better ever since but it's hard to learn to love yourself and stuff like that when I am always so busy or too stressed to think. I try to eat less but food was always an accepted method to deal with stress so that's how I grew up and I'm having to break very old habits. I struggle with exercise because i am always tired from insomnia and depression and i have bad joints
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Default Apr 17, 2020 at 08:30 AM
  #14
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Hey @random1human does this make you happy?
Would your mom be upset like any mother would be? I would be upset if my teenage daughter or 20 year old daughter made porn simply because I wouldnt want them to be an object that someone can just google up to watch and do whatever they want an use my daughters for it. Or do you mean your mom is always abusive and this is another thing that would make her abusive? What do you mean by hurting you? Do you mean physically abusing you? I do not think you are ugly but you obviously think you are ugly. And when we think we are ugly we care less about what other people do to us or use us for because we think we are so ugly we dont deserve anything better. Is that how you feel? I know you are technically adult but they have proven over and over that the adolescent brain does not finish developing until your 20's. That means the decision making parts of your brain are not that of an adults. Is this something you want to pursue as a career or make money from?

like I said. I've never had sex. my videos are me alone. I am ugly and obese so I couldn't get a guy IRL if I wanted to. I'm kind of worried about how I will act in an actual relationship. I struggle with physical contact yet I am a very sexual person so I feel like I would be leading them on only to back out at the last second out of fear since I am basically all talk and i am 10x more smooth online than I am irl.

it could get me into awkward situations. someone could find out and that terrifies me. so many bad possibilities yet I still long to continue.
[/QUOTE]
it's not a career idea. it's always been more of a hobby. I want to own a bakery. I always like the attention and I'm an exhibitionist. I have made people happy with my body so I post it. I try to do it in ways where it would be difficult to track back to me (never showing my face. fake name, not giving my location) and I just really enjoy it tho I know I shouldn't
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 11:16 PM
  #15
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it's not a career idea. it's always been more of a hobby. I want to own a bakery. I always like the attention and I'm an exhibitionist. I have made people happy with my body so I post it. I try to do it in ways where it would be difficult to track back to me (never showing my face. fake name, not giving my location) and I just really enjoy it tho I know I shouldn't[/
NOT a good idea in our cancel culture. Even if you don't post your face it could get out. If you keep doing it be careful not to send a link to your vids to anyone. If a kid gets it you could get into a lot of trouble. That's what got Anthony Weiner put on the sex offender registry - sexting with an underage girl.

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