Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do? - Forums at Psych Central


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Old 06-18-2011, 01:08 PM #1
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Crazy Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

I realize that this is a little like asking a bunch of kleptomaniacs how I can stop stealing, but I need to just get this off my chest after years of keeping it to myself...

I have a fetish that I am ashamed to admit and have never told anyone about. Basically, it's urophilia and urophagia (golden showers, etc.) and I can't really reach orgasm without thinking about it. This is extra disconcerting for me because I am a female and I am a lesbian. It seems like most people with fetishes are usually men and if I was straight, it wouldn't be so difficult to find a man who is also into it.

I have found sex unsatisfying because I can't reach orgasm (which I don't blame entirely on my fetish -- it's also the pressures and discomfort that can come with intimacy). When I masturbate, it's 90% of what I think about. Once in a while I'll try not to think about it, but I always give in. I can enjoy stimulation without the thought, but it becomes so much better when I think about it. As for sex, I really try to avoid being stimulated and do everything to my partner to avoid the awkwardness of being unable to come from simple oral, for instance.

What do I do about this? Is there a way to lessen the need for this fetish to get off? Do I need to find a partner who shares my interests? Or should I keep it to myself and learn to think about it during sex (which I find difficult to do). I want to be able to enjoy intimacy and one day orgasm from sex. I feel like this fetish is weird/gross of me and degrading to women, but I can't help it. I can try to think back to where I think this originated, but it frankly doesn't matter. It worries me when I think about finding my true love and either a) she thinks I'm a freak or b) I hide it and have an unsatisfying sex life forever. Some advice would be nice. Thank you.
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:01 AM #2
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with fetishism, as long as it doesn't interfear with your ability to hold down a job, have a healthy relationship etc. Have you talked to your current partner about this? Part of what may be causing your feelings of shame is that you have to hide it. A healthy relationship means you should be able to discuss these things without fear of judgement. Your not gross or a freak at all, you just have a different sexual preference or an act you enjoy and that is okay. Don't be so hard on yourself, maybe talking to a therapist would help. Sending gentle hugs and peaceful thoughts your way and feel free to pm me anytime you need to talk, Typo
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Old 06-21-2011, 12:52 PM #3
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

im a woman i no there is women into that... i never done the golden shower thing, not my thing, but you cld maybe try to join a online site for that fetish?? i admt i joined a German bdsm site a whle ago lol, at least there, you cld find other women into it, share support and whatnot, so you no your not alone, maybe not to actualy find your true love on a site but to just share your concerns, worrys, fetishes, etc. its not degrading to women, i personally have some strange fetishes that many women wld feel is degrading to them, like the ones that involve force sex, pain, humiliation etc... if thats not considered degrading, then a golden shower is definately not. you will find her...

i wish you luck,
allwill be fine.

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Old 06-21-2011, 11:54 PM #4
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

I think Typo said it best.
Often times we are most ashamed of what we feel like we have to hide or keep secret. And especially the things society regards as 'gross', 'disgusting', so on.
When it comes to these types of interests, I find it is /very/ important to first accept yourself and your interest. Personally, I find nothing wrong with urophilia as it doesn't really harm anything/one involved... The trick after becoming comfortable with yourself is then finding someone to share the interest with. Honestly, plenty of women have the same fetish, I promise. Like Ein said - trying to find a community with common interest is a great start. It also helps you feel less alone and 'nasty'. Its what I do with some of my what society would consider 'sicker' sexual desires.

Either way, you certainly shouldn't feel bad. And I don't see any real reason you should change... Its a pretty easy-going fetish in my honest opinion and hell, I think it could be much worse.
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Old 06-23-2011, 09:08 AM #5
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

How are you doing tulip?
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Old 06-27-2011, 10:37 PM #6
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

Thanks for the feedback. I felt really embarrassed about starting this thread, especially when it was up for a while and no one responded, so I didn't check back. Anyway, I'm not sure what the solution is. I think maybe I should not worry so much about it -- yes, I think this is weird and gross of me. But it's not like I'm interesting in anything that is harmful or illegal. And it's not one of those super weird fetishes most people have never heard of or imagined -- I guess mine is relatively common. Still, I would not want to impose this on anyone. Sometimes I wish I'd meet someone and luck out that they are into the same thing, but I'm absolutely fine with never acting out these fantasies for real -- I'm just concerned about my sex life. I want to have a good one where I can make a real connection. Past sexual activity hasn't been great for me. But, I don't have a girlfriend right now, so I guess I can just worry about it later.

I did find a forum for people with my, ahem, interest. Honestly, it only made me feel worse. I do think this is a little depraved that this turns me on so much, but I also see it as a very tiny, insignificant part of who I am or what I want. Seeing people (mostly men, mind you) talking about how to convince their significant others to do it and how much they love it was weird to me. I don't want to let this fetish consume me. I don't want to be thinking about it outside of sex (or, you know, alone time).

And I think I was feeling super guilty being I had looked at some porn. And well, there's only one type of porn that really has the desired effect for me. I've been on a little shame spiral of lacking self control -- eating bad, sleeping too much, looking at porn. It's all bad news. I just need to take control of my life and I'll be fine. Sigh.
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Old 11-19-2011, 10:24 PM #7
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

I'd just like to add a thougt here.

Keep in mind that sometimes the fantasy is better than reality.
You'll never know till you try, of course.
Fantasy is always hot.
reality is, uncomfortable, pinchy, pully, never gets hair in it's mouth, never gets chafed, or rug burned, or smell awful, or hurt like you never imagined - I'm sure you get the idea byt now.
But maybe one more- in Fantasy you never have to come face to face with someone who knows something so intimate about you. especialy something potentialy humiliating.

I mean when you gotta, you gotta. But be sure of the person you're with. be sure they are solid people, not fickle or flighty, if you understand what i mean. and as much of a cold wet blanket as it is, keep safety in mind.
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Old 11-20-2011, 08:49 AM #8
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

Tulip, i don't know why you are ashamed. I believe sex is to be shared between lovers who care deeply for one another. Then you have safety and freedom to ask for what you desire.if someone loves you, they will adapt sexually with you and you will both feel safe and explore/enjoy together.
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:38 PM #9
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

tulip,

Fantasy is a major part of the human being. If fantasy makes you feel good and does no harm, then feel free to explore it. You don't necessarily have to have a partner for this. Self exploration with your own permission to not feel guilty will be good for you.

Please love you.
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Old 01-16-2013, 01:03 AM #10
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Default Re: Shameful sexual fetish leaves me unable to enjoy sex. What to do?

I think your interest is more common than you think. It's harming no one and if it excites you, enjoy it. I see golden showers as completely letting go, without inhibition. I don't see anything gross or reason to feel guilt. When you find that right person, you will share fetishes and enjoy them, freely. Nothing wrong with that.
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