Absolutely no desire for physical intimacy

I'm a 23 year old male and my interest in physical intimacy is non-existant. I'm not asexual, since I am attracted to women and I do experience arousal, but I do not, nor have I ever, had any desire whatsoever to touch or be touched. In fact, the entire concept of physical intimacy is a mystery to me. The only reason that I even know that people kiss, feel each other up, etc. is because of TV and movies. I find these actions nothing short of baffling. All I can think to myself is "Why would anyone want to do that? What's the point?" I assume it causes pleasurable sensations, but what motivates people to do these things in the first place? I just don't get it. Obviously, I'm a member of a very small minority; I'm odd, not everyone else. I have never been sexually abused and I have never been in a romantic relationship, so this attitude(?) of mine is not the result of some negative experience. Why do I have no interest in physical intimacy? Why is it so utterly nebulous to me? Especially considering that I do experience arousal when exposed to visual stimulus (i.e. I'm not asexual).

I can't help you as I very much long for physical intimacy. But I'm curious since you say you are attracted to women and feel arousal. What exactly do you want to do to/with them? Do you masturbate; what do you think about? Also, have you ever been in love? I have been in love and the urge to want to kiss, hug, hold hands and be close to that person is nothing short of overwhelming! I wonder if maybe things would change if you fell in love.

Hell, I could've writen that; I'm almost exactly the same way.

I've always been a very solitary person, and I think that after so many years the desire for solitude has become an unconscience defense mechanism against the unknown and gave me a sense of security being alone. That's all changing for me though, as it has brought me a feeling of a lack of control.

Hahaha of course, my dysthymia doesn't help things in the slightest; I have a bit of a problem getting physically aroused which has given me a sense of shame and feeling like even if I did find that someone I wouldn't be able to do anything and gives me an aversion to physical contact.

When I'm attracted to a woman and get aroused I don't want to do anything with her. Not a single thing. It's not even an issue of fear of embarrassment, I really don't want to do anything. Also, yes, I do masturbate by looking at pictures. I don't think about anything, though. I don't have any desire to do anything with anyone. At all. I have recently had a mutual romantic interest which didn't exactly play out as well as I'd hoped (the details aren't important) and that's essentially the reason I'm trying to address this problem. Despite the fact that she was extremely attractive, I didn't want to do anything with her, not a single thing. I've been doing a little bit of research on the topic of "male low libido", which isn't exactly what I have, but apparently when a man has a very low sex drive the woman interprets it in horribly negative ways (she's not good enough, etc.). This means that I can never be with anyone. If I never meet anyone again, I don't really care, but if I do meet someone, I wouldn't want to lose her over something like this.

Hi

I just joined. I understand well where your coming from, I have a similar problem, I'm in my 30s and find it hard to be physically intimate with women. It relates to our childhood traumas. Although I was never sexuall abused but everything else happened. I can only suggest that you get therapy to work on your traumas from childhood.

I'm sure that childhood trauma is the cause of many issues like this, but not mine. My childhood was not perfect by anyone's standards, but I was never abused or traumatized. I was never touched by anyone and I was never brainwashed into thinking sex is bad.

While mammals are predisposed to nurturing behaviours: cuddling, hugging, kissing, touching, all of those need to be learned. You sounds as if you hatched from an egg and made your way to adulthood all by yourself.

If you know of your childhood that you were properly nurtured (and I mean physically, mentally, AND emotionally, not just fed and clothed) by your parents, perhaps there is something else, some other sort of betrayal that made you block yourself off from nurturing.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I hated my mother for as long as I can remember. I didn't want her to touch me, and remember pushing her away when she tried to hold me or kiss me. My father's touch on the other hand, felt...off, and though I loved him, I avoided physical contact.

That resulted to some degree in my not being touchy when I matured physically. I hated holding hands, found hugs bizzare, clumsy and pointless, kisses revolting, and while all that touching and groping produced a feeling of arousal, it felt unnatural and I always pressed on to be done with it as fast as possible. I really didn't even know why I was seeking out opposite gender, sex wasn't pleasan't, foreplay was something to be endured, so what was it I wanted?

Over the years I have changed, and discovered the feelings that go with stroking lover's head, embracing and kissing, I learned to open my heart and feel the blending of heartbeats and souls in a hug. However, my case was not quite as deep as yours.

I believe you are missing a great big part of human experience, and I also believe it's not to late for you to open it up for yourself. You may want to pursue a therapy, or you may create a therapy in your life.

And don't give up on women. You seem to think we are all about expectations of performance. Find someone who will be your friend first, object of sexual fulfillment later. Someone patient who maybe will teach you how it it to be loved through touch - you need to first learn to receive, before you can hope to know how and what to give. And if you doubt that it is possible for you to ever find such a friend, after all you are a bit different than average Joe, try to open up to someone starting from a relative anonymity. Online for example. I know a lot of people with various level of social handicap who formed caring relationship online and whose relationship carried into a real life.

Best luck to you

I relate so much to your statement, "I was never touched by anyone."

I was raised by a mother who taught me that hugs were unnecessary. Also, my mother was cold and was not interested in helping me develop as a person, e.g., she did not help me with problems and does not see my lack of dating as a problem. As an adult, I do not enjoy / understand dating and avoid it at all costs. I do have a need for sex but intimacy feels uncomfortable and I'm not good at it.

Based on my experience, enjoying intimacy is taught. If your parents never touched you, that can be classified as neglect. Personally, I have not found a cure. It seems like a part of me that should be there is missing; others have suggested that I am underdeveloped in that area. All I can say is that my life alone is very unhappy and lonely.

You are a lot younger than I am. Here's my suggestion: Try getting a few massages. And, try taking massage lessons and giving massages to others. Hopefully, they will create an interest in human touch as you begin to relax and enjoy the experiences. Speak to others about your feelings. The combination of massage and feeling talk is an introduction to intimacy.

I am so sorry to hear of another person who was not taught intimacy. Trust the advice in this thread - intimacy is an important part of life that makes life enjoyable. Don't wait. Push yourself to learn about intimacy now. There is a lot to learn. I wish you the best.

Possibly your situation would change if you were to develop feelings for another person? What do you think?

Oh my, I haven't been receiving emails when posts were added to this thread, I assumed it died, sorry everyone!

First off, thank you for the replies and advice. I'll address a few of the comments/questions that came up:

With regard to not being properly nurtured as a child, I'm not sure how to address that. My father was an alcoholic and was extremely negligent and emotionally abusive (but never physically abusive) and he died when I was 9. The only impact my father had on me was my teetotalism. My mother used to hug/kiss me goodbye when I left for school every morning, but one day I realized "I hate this and it isn't necessary" so I just stopped doing it. In fact, I find the expression of affection and emotion to be profoundly disturbing; I haven't told my mother I love her in almost 10 years. So, I suppose my mother tried to nurture me in this way, but I didn't want this sort of affection, I disliked it quite a lot (there was nothing inappropriate about what she was doing, I just don't like being touched, period).

In response to the question of whether or not I think my attitude would change if I were to meet someone, my answer is a definitive "no". There was a girl with whom I experienced a mutual romantic attraction, but I had absolutely no desire to be physical with her. In all honesty, the thought of physical intimacy with another person isn't something that ever crosses my mind.

I also have a very important piece of information to add, I have no idea why I left this out before, since I'm sure it's a huge part of this issue (not the cause, but definitely a major symptom). I HATE being touched -- it doesn't matter what kind of touch it is. Whether it's an honest accident like brushing shoulders with someone in a hallway, or a friend putting his hand on my shoulder or patting me on the back to congratulate me -- the emotion I experience in these situations is invariably rage. I don't blow up, even though I'm absolutely livid, since I'm able to acknowledge that there's nothing wrong with what they're doing and that my reaction is irrational and abnormal, but the anger I feel is quite intense in these situations. Also, I am absolutely disgusted at the thought/sight of physical intimacy; I find it sickening and infuriating. I understand that this is NOT normal and that without sex I wouldn't even be here but, for whatever reason, this is how I feel about it. When I'm watching TV and the characters start kissing or touching or when imminent coitus is strongly implied, I immediately change the channel or turn off the TV (or cover my eyes if that's not an option).

I'm just very confused about my attitude toward sex and physical intimacy since there doesn't seem to be any reason for it. I've never never had a negative experience of any sort (abuse, rejection, failure, etc.) and I was never taught any of this by anyone. This topic was never discussed in my family (immediate or extended), positively or negatively. I was not sheltered, I knew all about "the birds and the bees" before I was even done elementary school. I don't suffer from depression or Asperger's or any other sort of mental/social disability... I'm a 20-something male! Am I not supposed to have a preoccupation with "getting laid"? (This isn't my goal, but the way I am seems to be the polar opposite of what is considered typical)

Would you be willing to talk to someone about it - maybe a therapist? Perhaps there were unspoken things you were picking up on regarding touch when you grew up as a child.

Or a licensed sex therapist - I think they still exist - they were a big thing in the 80's?

You said you feel rage when you are touched.

I will not share why, but I relate to this.

I am not going to say that it's always about abuse or something.

But I do relate to feeling that rage.

I even relate to this "why is is necessary?" thing.

I understand that s*x and touch is about a primal need for connection and for procreation, but I still wish we were more "evolved" lol.

Billi

For me, there are two problems with seeing a therapist:
#1 It's very expensive
#2 I don't have any experiences to discuss

I know that a therapist is going to ask me questions about past relationships and my current relationship, but the problem with that is that I've never been in a relationship at any point in my life. There really isn't a single relevant experience in my whole life. In fact, I remember being as young as 4 or 5 and being disgusted by those Calvin Klein perfume commercials (early-mid '90s). Not that they were pornographic or anything, but I do recall something about the actors expressing some desire to be with one another. Even at that age, I knew what this commercial was insinuating ("this fragrance will make you more desirable to the opposite sex"). So it seems like this aversion to physical intimacy is hard-wired into me; there's no "cause" per se.

So basically, there isn't anything for me to discuss with a therapist. No physical abuse, no witnessing physical abuse, no brainwashing, no like-minded people in my family/social circle, no bad dating experiences, etc.. And when the therapist asks me "how does your current partner feel about this" or something to that effect, the only thing I'll be able to tell them is "I don't have one".

Hi. I do not think you would be posting this issue here if this was not a serious problem. Please don't try to predict what a therapist would ask you because it's not possible to predict what will happen. Be sure, though, to select a therapist who specializes in your issues. Your lack of experience and desire for intimacy are what you need to discuss. You need to examine your thought processes and reasons why you feel this way. Hopefully, a therapist will enable you to have experiences that are positive that will counteract your inner belief system that is holding you back and preventing you from going out and experiencing life and finding love.

Regarding the cost involved - you are worth it. It's not possible to put a price tag on getting yourself a life. Having a good life is priceless. Now is the time to determine what the problem is and to work through it. Please give it a try! All the best to you.

Wow, amazing reply. Thank you. That was powerful