Need help with my 19 year old

My 19 year old son announced to me today that he wants to change his gender. He does not show or has shown any gender confusion, no tell-tale sign of feminity traits. He has never had female intuitions or have been or played/acted out in a "female" role. He has had a girlfriend for 4 years and they have been overly sexually active (explorative), but he has never explored or had crushes on his guy friends. He has no intention of leaving his girlfriend, after he goes through hormone therapy, and doesn't want the full surgery. He has stated that he looked up transgender information and he thinks and feels like them. He tells me that he feels like a woman inside but can't describe in what situations or why he feels that way. I have known trans gender and gay people throughout my life and have impathy for their own private hells and have adored them for their honesty and courage. To gage my son against them, I don't see or feel it. Which I love my son no matter his preferences or his personality.
I know he suffers from depression, he isolates himself, he spends hours and hours on the computer, he is unkempt, 2 years behind in maturity level, and has no discipline to complete his intended goals.
I am the type of parent who is open and honest, but this is a bombshell landing in my lap out of the blue. I am wanting him to have therapy and to talk through his immediate issues then with clearing away these issues then make decisions about his gender.
My inuition is telling me that this is more of "shock and awe" teenage rebel yell. But I do not want to dismiss this if it a more serious mental illness or really his "personal knowing".

I don't understand how he could change gender without surgery. he will have to go thru counceling I believe even to do the hormone therapy but I don't know for sure. my thoughts are with you though.

Professional counseling seems to be needed; your son is young and he may not know what transgender truly entails. Has he ever met anyone who is transgender? It might be good if he did in order to determine if that is who he really is. I can't say I know much about transgender people. There is an organization called PFLAG that may be of help to you.

On the outside I maintain a persona of being very male. At home and in private I feel free to express myself as a cross dresser. I have thought of having a more feminine outward appearance, but I'm not there yet. Even considered female hormone treatments and other treatments so to appear more like I envision myself as someone that falls under the category of the 'T' in GLBT community.

I think more dialog with your son may help you understand his interest in change of gender appearance.

I have known males that remain heterosexual, keep their genitalia and have transformed into women with facial surgery and hormones as far as looks go, yet they still act like guys in many ways.

Whether your child has masculine traits or feminine traits, what ever their sexual orientation - those things have no bearing on their gender identity. Men, women, genderqueer individuals and others alternative gender identities can all be masculine or feminine, gay/straight/bi/pansexual.

Transgender issues aren't easy for most people to come to terms when they realize they have them - sometimes even in families in which those topics are openly accepted. It's very difficult to explain to someone who doesn't have the same feelings how you just *know* that what you're feeling is real. Very difficult and extremely frustrating. I didn't make this self-realization until I was in college and didn't come out until my mid-20s. The confusion and desperation that trans teenagers feel must be immense, especially with so many other life transitions happening at that time. How else could most of them cope - becoming withdrawn and depressed, trying to "fake" their way through "normal" expected behaviors or overcompensating and trying to be overly masculine or feminine in hopes of convincing themselves and others that there's nothing different about themselves.

When I came out, I told everyone I didn't want all of the surgeries available to me, just the ones that would help the general public identify me the way I wanted them to. I think that's pretty common. Over time I've been slowly changing my mind. I don't really know if I felt the other way at the beginning because I subconciously felt like it would make the process easier for the people around me, or because surgery of any type is pretty scary, or because I didn't think it would ever financially be possible for me so cultivating the attitude that I didn't need it was easier than dealing with the fact that I did need it but could never have it, or truly because at the time I didn't need it. Surgical status doesn't change identity though, so please don't use that to question your child's realization of his gender identity.

Definitely find a good counselor that can help sort through all the feelings. Also, my mother found good support at her local PFLAG group.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. BUT now I have received a 2ndary blow. I set stern boundries that HE HAS to be under Psychiatric care for 6 months before any permenant decision about who he is can be acted upon. I will not buy prescriptions off the internet so he can self medicate to look female. He tried telling me that he knows who and what he is and doesn't need therapy or a doctor to get the medications that he wants to change himself. We had a long talk about Hormone therapy, I am post menapausal and have taken the HRT medications. I know as a female taking these hormones what they had done to me, I could only imagine the emotional rollarcoaster that he will endure. He threw every excuse in my face about how and why he was not accepting my boundries on this situation. I stated to him that I love him, but if he wasn't going to work through this in a healthy manner than I can not support him and he would have to live somewhere else. I refuse to help him Kill himself. After some time later when he calmed down and came to discuss this with me in a civil manner. He announces that He isn't transgender and he is just having a hard time. Oh there was a lot more deliberation. And I am a gullible fool.
So, I am feeling very decieved and this is another ploy to get out of Growing up and being responsible. He thought THAT if I felt sorry for him, he wouldn't have to face the fact that
He isn't doing chores, he isn't looking for work, and he hasn't gotten his drivers license. The options if he took the summer off I gave him back in April of this year.
I was part of a major lay-off and have no more unemployment and have been getting temp-work as jobs are available. There is no money to "give him" so he can buy medications off the internet, we or "I" barely have money to keep us from being on the streets. He is not doing chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, Or anything but sit in his room on his computer, he stays up all night and sleeps all day.
When I come home I get excuses and he expects me to do the chores as well. The ultimatum is that he is either going to live at the dorms at school and get work with the school to pay for it (I have already sat down with admissions and discussed that this is possible) OR join the armed forces of his choice in order to have the availabilty to pay for college and take care of himself. My problems are that I can't do it all alone, and have some one sitting around taking advantage. I am writing a diary, seeking help, keeping a positive "this shall pass", and "I can-I am-do it" mantra in order to obtain a level of today is better than yesterday- pulling my (our) butts out of the ditch. In order to work through the kick in the teeth I have been handed in the past 2 years.

This sounds like we are getting into other issues here. I agree with you that he sounds more in need of therapy than a gender change. But your second post took on the sound of you two simply not having a very good relationship right now. Correct me if I'm wrong because I'm only reading into your posts.

Severe depression can do a numbers on a person's feelings of sexuality in general. Hopefully you can convince him to talk to a professional. Perhaps you both should do counseling together? Would he be more willing if it felt like you were taking on some sort of responsibility? Whether you are or not is irrelevant. He may just need to feel like he is not completely in the wrong for how he feels right now.

What does it mean to "feel like a woman" anyway? All of us are half male half female anyway. Everyone of us has fifty percent of our ancestry from men, fifty percent from females. I inherited my mother duckness from my Dad, and my aggressive streak from my mother. I don't believe that gender is all that important anyway, we need to know what we really feel like first as people, not as our sexual gender. It sounds to me like he's confused and depressed... not sure that sending him to the military would do a lot of good in the long run, though I can see why it's tempting. You know your son best though... and I think you're right, this isn't a transgender issue, it's a mental health issue of some sort. See if you can get him to start pulling his weight at the dorms, it might wake him up a bit. He sounds more like a kid than an adult at the moment. No wonder you're stressed.

This is an extreme over-simplification. We are not 50/50. Being half female and half male implies being a hermaphrodite. Our hormones are not 50/50, our thinking pattern is completely different, our biologies overall are not even close to being 50/50.

I hope you are getting some feelings clarified. I really think family counseling would be very beneficial to your relationship with your son.

Hi ((mother1)) - you've recieved some very good advice so far. I know this must be an extremely difficult time for you right now. I didn't know people can buy drugs like hormones to initiate the process of a sex change and I understand how terrifying this must be. I sensed in your 1st post that you're a very compassionate mom and its natural to be shocked and have mixed feelings. I even think if it was determined your son is a legitimate candidate for a sex reassignment, you would be supportive out of love for your son.

Usually when a person wants to do this, a doctor insists the person attend therapy to make sure this is 100% the right thing to do. This isn't a decision to be taken lightly or made when one is depressed or confused. You're right in wanting your son to get counseling. He's young and this can be a confusing time.

Your son needs to be in a healthy state and counseled about exactly what this entails before starting any hormone therapy. Trying to do this via the internet is the worst decision because this is supposed to be done by a doctor specializing in this. Usually doctors would only start treatment on people who are stable minded. He's playing with fire if he tries to do this on his own. You're a mom who's struggling and you have my empathy. I'm not against sexual reassignment at all, but it should be done the right way when a person has recieved complete counseling and guidance.

((((mother1))))

I was about your "son's" age when I began my own transition. I'm now living full-time and post-op as my preferred gender. I've also become active in educating others about transgender issues. Please keep in mind that I am only referring to your son in the masculine for simplicity and because it is unclear how he identifies. If it were clear that he was transgender, I'd be using female pronouns instead, out of respect for his identity. Also, keep in mind that while this is all brand new to you, your son has probably been "in the closet" about this for months, or even years, all the while researching the process of transition and exploring his gender in secret, or with the support of a select few friends that he has come out to, and possibly with contacts he has made within the transgender community. So right now, he is the expert on this. He knows all about what GID is, what steps are available to him for transition, and which ones he wants to go through.

Based on what you've written here, you sound to me like a caring mother who just wants what's best for your son, regardless of whether than means he transitions or not, and, in the case that he turns out to be genuinely transgender, that you would be supportive of his transition to female. That's pretty easy to portray when you're sitting down and taking the time to type and read through what you are posting. Not always as easy to do when you've just been stunned by the bit of news your son has just told you! Nevertheless, it sounds like you made your best effort to make that clear to your son, and for that I applaud you! I only wish I'd had a mother like you when I first came out!

Alas, my first thought in reading your story was that there was in all likelihood, something lost in translation here. What you said to your son to convey a note of caution, could have easily been misconstrued by your son. In other words, when you said "let's take our time with this," he heard "I'm scared of this, and I want to put up roadblocks to prevent you from transitioning." Also, when you say "you need to go through counselling before you transition to make sure this is what you really want", your son could be thinking to himself, "you're just another person who thinks I'm crazy, don't you???" It's common for trans people to go through a period where they are fully consumed by thoughts about their gender issues, and have little room left to think about others around them. This period often lasts from first researching how to transition, to when they are comfortable living full time in their preferred gender and feel more normalized. Unfortunately this has the effect of making the trans person perceived as self-centered and unthinking, which contributes to your negative image of him. Added to this is your frustration at his "laziness," which could very easily be due to depression caused by his dysphoric feelings about his gender. I had a similar experience when I came out to my dad, which is too bad because had I handled coming out better, a lot of pain could have been saved on both sides.

When coming out goes badly, it's not uncommon for people to try to retract their statements and go back in the closet. I think that might be what happened here. Because of how your son misinterpreted your response, he no longer feels safe about talking to you about his gender issues, and so he wants to go back to the way things were when he was still in the closet. If you want to get him to open up to you, address this misinterpretation. Get him to understand that you only want what's best for him, and if it turns out that he is indeed transgender, that you want to be there by HER side, all the way, to support her.

Now, a little bit of Trans 101 for you. Not all trans people are heterosexual in their identified gender. Trans women are not all a homogenous group of people who act the same way. Everyone's experience with gender is different. Thus, there are trans women who are lesbian (which may be the case with your son, particularly as it sounds like he has come out to his girlfriend and has her support) or bisexual, as well as trans people who are straight. Liking girls isn't necessarily a sign that your son is not trans. For example, while I am currently in a relationship with a great guy who I love dearly, I have had relationships in the past with other women, and could just as easily be in a relationship with a woman again, should we break up in the future. I never started dating men until after I started to present as a woman.

Trans people also don't always show classic "signs" they are trans either. While some children express adamantly that they are another gender at ages as early as 3 or 4, others don't realize or don't reveal their gender issues until later in life. Your son may have spent years in denial, trying to be as masculine as possible, or he may have been afraid to let others see this side of himself. I spent 8 years myself trying to be "the best man that I could be" - and failed miserably at it. Unfortunately my family didn't believe me when I came out precisely because I hid my femininity so well. Another possibility is that you are in denial, and overlooking some behaviours that may have been quite apparent to your son.

Going back to the idea that everyone experiences their gender differently, not all trans people get "the surgery" (SRS, or Sex Reassignment Surgery), or go through a standard set of steps in order to become a woman. In fact, the line between man and woman is far more blurry than we like to think. Even within a gender there is a LOT of variation. Some women are girly girls, some are tomboys and some are in between. I often tell people that I never transitioned to become a woman, but that I transitioned in order to become ME. I did it so that I could feel comfortable with my body and with who I am as a person. For me, it meant changing my hormonal makeup, my body's shape, how I present myself to others, and, my genital configuration. I was very uncomfortable with my former genitalia, but your son might be ok with having a penis, regardless of his gender identity, which is fine. It's especially common for trans men to not get "bottom surgery," in their case, often because f-m bottom surgery is much less functional and realistic than m-f bottom surgery. Also, not all trans people want to transition from one binary gender to the other. Many see themselves as between genders, a third gender, genderless, bigendered, or androgynous. Bottom line, there is no one right way to be transgendered and no one right way to transition.

Medically speaking, Gender Identity Disorder is listed in the DSM-IV as a mental illness. While more and more medical professionals are understanding that "GID" is not a mental illness at all, but a normal variation in a person's gender identity, many professionals still perceive it to be a mental illness that needs to be "cured" or controlled. Many therapists and psychiatrists act as "gatekeepers" whose goal it is to prevent people from transitioning, with allowing one to transition seen as a last resort only. Your son might be afraid you want to have him see one of these gatekeepers. However, in rare cases, someone with a genuine mental illness (such as bipolar disorder) can cause a person to think they are trans, and so the counselling process is a good idea to screen for this sort of situation. However, in practice, many trans people have concurrent mental illnesses that do not account for their gender identity. Having bipolar disorder myself, I would be one of those trans people. My gender identity has never changed or wavered as my moods fluctuate or treatments have changed. In practice, almost all people who claim to be trans, however, eventually transition, sometimes after years in denial, even to themselves.

Alright, well I hope I've given you enough insight into how your son might be feeling or thinking to help you talk to him. If you have any more questions, feel free to post them here, or send me questions via PM, and I will try your best to help you. You sound like a genuinely caring mom who just wants your son to be content with himself, which is exactly what your son needs right now, regardless of whether he is trans or not. You should give yourself a pat on the back for making that effort, especially because many of us don't get that support from our parents.

Best wishes to both you and your son!

Mother1, Both you and your son are so very lucky that you can talk to eachother. He felt comfortable enough to come to you about something that seems to be important to him, though it might very well be a phase. I am a 28 year old woman, and from the age of 14 to the age of about 17 I had NO CLUE who the hell I was. I was "goth". I did lots of drugs. I had threesomes. I skipped school to smoke pot and take acid. I used to cut myself, and I even shaved my head. I could not go to my parents because they wouldn't have understood back then. Just be supportive, and make sure he knows how much you love him. maybe the two of you could do some research together, and see how the procedure would work? And therapy couldn't hurt.

I had to double check to see if i had written this. This is EXACTLY our story with our son. Every detail. How is yours doing now? Ours just broke up with his girlfriend of four years and both are devastated.