Phoboxyl's Sexual Anxiety Work

Okay, so this is where my sexual anxiety work is going. I am dividing my disturbed thoughts and behavioral problems into the following categories:

G. - General Sexual Anxiety.
M. - Masturbation compulsion and porn hoarding.
S. - Sexual Shame.
F. - Fetish fantasy and related compulsion and addiction.

I went to the dry cleaner's today and I saw these two very hot Asian girls. One of them in particular really caught my attention because she was wearing these slutty pantyhose with a band around the thigh and very high short-shorts. I don't really like pantyhose but I love stockings and they looked like them in the outfit. So I was really turned on and it ended up I was walking behind them for a little bit while going to my destination, and so I was staring at this girl's legs the entire time. And I was embarrassed to be looking and ashamed of myself. I knew that she knew I was checking her out and wanted to have sex with her badly. I tried catching her eye a few times too so that made it even more obvious. Just so it's clear, I wasn't creeping on them when they could see me I didn't make a point of starting. But while I was out of view I kept looking over and over again for long moments.

Here is what I was thinking:

1. I should be embarrassed and ashamed of myself for looking at her thighs and being turned on by them.

2. She knows I like her legs and want to have sex with her. I should be ashamed of myself and embarrassed to be caught.

3. I am a disgusting perverted creep because I like her legs and want to have sex with her and her friend.

4. It's really stupid and weird to be turned on by her legs so much. I shouldn't have this reaction.

5. I am degrading her by looking at her body sexually and getting excited. I am turning her into a piece of meat and a social inferior. It's not okay and I should stop immediately.

6. If they were ever to say anything about how I clearly want to have sex with them the shame and anxiety would be too much to take.

7. They are probably laughing about me and how pathetic I am for wanting to have sex with them and not hiding it like a normal person would.

8. This girl would think all the sexual stuff that I want to do to her is stupid, creepy, weird, pathetic, and disgusting. But she wouldn't think that about a guy she actually liked.

9. I don't deserve to want sex with her because she doesn't want it with me. I don't deserve her either.

I take it you know that all these thoughts are irrational?

I'm not saying there's anything to be ashamed of.
She has nice legs and you enjoyed looking at them.
Some might disapprove, but it sounds perfectly natural to me.

Yes. I know they are irrational to some degree but I still halfway believe them and that makes me very anxious, ashamed, and embarrassed.

I take my irrational thoughts to my therapist and talk them through.

I just started doing this again finally after so many years, and it's going great! I killed one of the bastards already.

Good luck!

Take it from me, your thoughts of wanting to have sex with this attractive girl are not irrational. Every guy has them and usually keeps them to himself or jokes about them to friends. It’s normal. In fact joking about seeing this hot chick with friends and wanting to jump in her pants will help you see that every guy has these notions.

What’s irrational is thinking all the negative crap. This girl probably didn’t give you more than a fleeting thought, even if she did notice you.

Lulz. Thanks for the support nick. I'm doing much much better with the "looking at girls" anxiety since I started this CBT work. I'd have to say it's about half gone from where it was, and around 80% gone from where it was at the height around age 15.