Humiliation fantasies

Great psychology website. Thanks for permitting people to pose questions.

I’m a straight, white male doctoral candidate. Since childhood, I have fantasized about scenarios in which I find myself surrounded by women, while I'm wearing nothing but white Fruit-of-the-Loom briefs (so-called "tighty whities"). In these fantasies, I find myself in that predicament, accidentally, through no fault of my own or overt action on my part. These fantasies are a confluence of vastly divergent emotions: It's anticipatory dread juxtaposed with prurient exhilaration. Half of me almost shudders at the mere thought of such an unpleasant and embarrassing experience, and yet the other half of me desires it with an unfathomable intensity that very nearly causes my heart to pound out of my chest. "I hate it, yet I love it," so-to-speak.


I'm not an exhibitionist. The fantasies do not involve nudity of any type. I've never acted out these fantasies and never will. They will remain just that: Fantasies. However, for nearly twenty years I have run these fantasies (I have 5-6 favorite scenarios) through my mind with scrupulous attention devoted to every minuscule detail. The level of sexual arousal produced by these fantasies is incredible and instantaneous; almost beyond description.

The fantasy evokes several distinct emotions: Humiliation; a very strong sense of vulnerability and a tinge of "despair," because I know this moment of extreme embarrassment can never be "undone." The reactions of the women always fall into one of two categories: They find my very unfortunate public circumstances to be a source of amusement, which is often accompanied by pointing and stifled giggling. Or, they are mature, almost stoic, as they earnestly try to help me recover my dignity – and my pants - which, of course, are nowhere to be found. They may offer me a robe or towel. It is the second group of women (the "helpful" group) that causes the most humiliation for me. Another vital component in these fantasies is the issue of "seeing" these women "afterward." It would be embarrassing to have to look these women in the eye afterward.

As stated earlier, in these fantasies, I inexplicably, accidentally, somehow find myself trouser-less. It's not "intentional." The women are varied and can include any race. The number of women in these fantasies can range from one to dozens. The women can be any age between 21 and about 55. However, the more attractive they are, the more humiliating it is. The more feminine they are (curvaceous; hair coiffed; dresses/evening gowns, as opposed to jeans, etc.), the more humiliating it is.

Sometimes, the women in these fantasies are strangers (nurses; sorority sisters; a club full of women on "Ladies Drink Free" Night). Sometimes they're known to me (neighbors; academic colleagues; my brothers' girlfriends; the "50-something" cashiers at the 99-cents store; the two buxom hygienists at my dentist's office, etc.).

As I grew older, I strongly suspected these fantasies would end. They haven't.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks - Dean

I have humiliation fantasies.

Fantasies make sex better and don't hurt anyone: they are good things to have and part of a healthy sex life.

Apart from the fantasies themselves, I get my wife to spank me.

In response to your comment: Yes, I strongly concur that fantasies are catalysts when it comes to sexual activity. And I can personally attest to the stimulating power of the "public humiliation" variety. However, most "humiliation" fantasies seem to follow a rather rigid (no pun intended) theme. They almost always contain some variation of nudity; forced stripping; physical abuse/pain and/or collars, whips, chains or similar items.

My fantasy, as delineated above, contains none of this, whatsoever. The research I've conducted, albeit limited, seems to suggest that, although "humiliation" is a common fantasy, mine, in particular, is not.

I think your getting a little to hung up on the fact your fantasy life isn't normal, not the same humiliation fantasies that Mr Smith next door has. There are men that get aroused by being ordered to clean the house in nothing but their underpants and others to cook meals in nothing but their shirt. Everyone is different and as long as nobody is being hurt and your not breaking the law, there really isn't anything to worry about

Do you reject these fantasies or do you not like them?

Sounds like something that might come with other situations that happen in life. Were you attracted to any of these women or not?

Arousal can come from any number of things that stimulate a person (males sometimes more so than women), even humiliation can do the trick, so don't worry too much about them. It's not as unusual as you think (having heard quite a few stories from some guy friends of mine who spoke of fantasies akin to yours).

I just want to emphasize the point that these sorts of fantasies are really, really common. I have them too (and I'm female) so please don't feel like you are alone or "weird". that's how I felt most of my life until my T informed me of this. It was so liberating!

I agree with the others. Let yourself enjoy the fantasies if that's what gets you off. Why repress it? And if you want to actually act them out that's okay too. Just be sure you go slow and be sure you find the right person to do it for you. You don't want to find someone who really is an asshole, just someone who can convincingly ACT like one.

For me, it can be really cathartic to do this. I have no idea why my brain works like this but ultimately it doesn't matter. I just like it and I'm lucky enough to have someone I feel safe and comfortable enough with to act it out. I have a relationship with a guy (sort of a friends with benefits guy) who I know is a really really good person and a great friend to me when I need it, but the nature of our relationship is such that we play a kind of D/s game where he treats me really meanly. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he was a complete jerk but it gets me off, it gets him off and afterwards we come back to reality and he hugs me and I know he's a good guy again.

Here are the most important points:
1.) You're not the only one who likes that stuff and
2.) As long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, do what you like. Sex should be fun!

Enjoy!

Great responses you are getting; LostinDC has a nice situation and good advice. I am a woman, bi, with a PhD. I love being humiliated in fantasy, and my H fantasies usually are centered around being shown I am just an animal. In my fantasies, I may be treated like an animal, or even taken by an animal. I also have a bit of RL experience here--not with animals--but with my first husband offering his brother a "turn"--I still cherish this memory as the humiliation was thoroughly carried out--kind of assembly-line with my husband giving his brother advice about what I liked and how to know when I was about to come. Is this shocking? Anyone knowing my RL reputation would think so!

Shipping: Thanks for your comment. Question: Regarding the episode with your brother-in-law: Just curious -- was that, in part, a "cuckold" desire on the part of your husband?

LOSTINDC: In response: One of my principal concerns is that simply dwelling on this particular fantasy is so sexually arousing, it has supplanted almost all physical interaction in my own life. Just thinking about it provides so much emotional gratification, it has rendered almost any/all other hunan interaction null and void.

I think the more you think about it without letting yourself actually do it, the more you'll be obsessed with it. Have you talked with your T about it? Ask them! I swear it really was the best thing I ever did in my life. I was so ashamed about my sexuality and when I finally found the right T to broach the subject with I thought I'd die of embarrassment but his response was, so what? It's normal! Find someone you can play these fantasies out with. Just do it safely and use common sense. He actually told me this was known as BDSM! Not all of BDSM is the classic whips and chains and dominatrixes portrayed in popular culture (sure, lots of it is but there's a whole spectrum out there).

Anyway there are public munches and happy hours in a town near you. Go to one. It should be in a public place and there shouldn't be any actual "play" going on. Everyone will be fully clothed in a restaurant or a bar and they're there just to socialize. You may hear about upcoming events there. You may meet someone you like. This is a great place to get introduced to the community. The number one safety rule about this stuff is to find the local community and meet in public. Never, ever answer some skeezy ad on craigslist or back page and go meet someone you don't know to play in private.

What've you got to lose? Worst case scenario is you actually play it out and find out you don't like it. You can move on. But I think definitely definitely talking to your T about it is the way to go. They can help you. Don't worry! You'll be fine. You might even have fun!

LOSTINDC: Regarding your comment: I have never been to a therapist, regarding this issue. In fact, my "humiliation" fantasies have always been kept to myself - entirely.

Well, if it's bothering you, why not go to one? Here's a resource: https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kin...-homepage.html

I found my old T through something similar and he really helped me understand and think through it and most importantly NOT FREAK OUT about it (not saying you are, but I kinda did).

Right now that part of my life is fine and happy and that's not my main concern (now i have depression and other things) but it's still important to me know to that my therapist is at least aware of that part of my life so with my new therapist, I told him about it and he said he didn't know much about it but he was open-minded which was good enough for me. As long as my T doesn't pathologize it or anything, it's good with me and generally they get used to it after hearing about it a couple times.

To history: I do not know if my ex-husband had a cuckold desire. He was bisexual and kind of wanted his brother; I think it had more to do with that. To Lostin: one of my best friends is/was in the BDSM community around our isolated area. She is also a witch and she eventually got out of the community because she said it was interfering with her spiritual energy. She was also a professional dominatrix--got out of that, too.

I agree with Lostin; you ought to talk about this more with someone who will be supportive. You are not at all alone in this kind of fantasy. It is considered part of the BDSM scene, and you might check out that angle, too. You should feel free to express yourself sexually. First you need to ask yourself if you really want that kind of experience or if you like it fine just as a fantasy. This is something you might discuss with a therapist before jumping right into the community and trying it. The therapist suggestion is NOT because your fantasy is crazy, but just to work through your fantasy and discuss whether fulfilling it would fit into your lifestyle.

I would consider myself lucky if my sexual fantasies provided that much "emotional gratification"; if you are worried that you will become a hermit with a fantasy then take Lostin's advice and get into a community of people who mingle and meet for these purposes. If that doesn't appeal to you, then your other choices are mainly 1-hire a professional dominatrix or 2-hire a therapist. There is one other possible choice--have you ever considered writing an academic paper about this fantasy? Since you are a doctoral candidate, it would be a good idea to get the publication section of your vita started. Most of my own academic work involves sex or a Freudian reading of a piece of literature, etc. It felt really good to me to get my sexual issues worked out intellectually. Plus I got to share them with my adviser to whom I was incredibly attracted! Make academia work for you!!

SHIPPING: Your comments regarding academia are most insightful.

So why not try this? I mean writing papers or presentations that involve your sexual questions.