Sexual Aversion Disorder

Hello, I am a new member to this forum and I come desperately seeking help and advice. I guess I will jump right into it.

I am a 24 year old male and I am in a long term relationship. We have now moved in together and a problem that I know I have is coming to head and I don't know what to do and now I need help. For my entire life I have been simple said scared to have sex. If I am in a situation that is becoming sexual I get extremely uncomfortable and start to have anxiety just thinking about preforming the act. I legitimately get scared of sex, and it has been happening ever since I lost my virginity. I have never been able to have sex without getting this feeling fear while being sober. I have come up with a "workaround" of sorts which is alcohol this makes it either not come up or at least I can ignore it. Its very humiliating to constantly be turning my girlfriend down to have sex everynight, and only having sex when drunk once a week. It is insulting to her and upsetting to me. I have now explained what happens and why I do turn her down but it is not healthy to our relationship in anyway and I want this to be gone. I love the girl so much and am extremely happy in the relationship, but this is now becoming a very large problem because she is starting to question herself which I would never want her to do and no matter what I say she is starting to think it's her. And I've finally had to face the fact I need help with this and at my wits end. I have even tried just taking everything in me and forcing myself to do it while sober in an effort just to "work" it out of me but to no avail. I have tried writing in a journal and drawing and other outlets but it does not help.

When I actually force myself to have sex it's almost not enjoyable because I think about why it's so hard for me to do just do it. After it is done she is sexually satisfied and have orgasmed and I do orgasm myself and enjoy it, but I ask if it was good and still question myself and anxiety sets back in. This has happened every time I've had sex this feeling of inadequacy that is 100% unwarrented in her eyes. It has happened with every partner I've had. I lost my virginity when I was 18 not because of no opportunity but because of this fear. The only reason I had sex for the first time cause i felt so guilty and almost bullied into by her.

I was raised in a very christian home and I think this plays into this alot and I have since not been a christian since 16 but I cannot get myself to let go of this irrational fear and thought that it is bad. I don't believe pre-maritial sex is bad or a terrible thing. I have no reservations about it. This feeling comes from deep within me and I just cant shake it and its embarrassing and humiliating to me personally which just compounds this negativity.

I named this thread Sexual Aversion Disorder because from the description of it I feel as though that is the condition I may fall into. Obviously not officially diagnosed by any means. But I am desperate to get this dark shadow out of my relationship and stop it from possibly pushing us apart, and to generally help my quality of life for the rest of my life. I know the best thing would be to talk to a psychiatrist but I have no insurance and cannot afford it out of pocket. Any guidance or recommendations to help me work through this would make me eternally grateful.

Thanks for any support you can offer, I am open to any suggestions at this point...

Hi Newguy

I’m a guy and have had that problem in the past. It is also referred to as sexual anorexia where you hardly engage in sex. For me problems that occurred in my childhood have directly correlated to my sexual problems in adulthood. So the same may be for you. But first you need to see a medical doctor to make sure there is no physical problems that may cause impotency for example. If that is ok, then you will probably need therapy. For me my mother not giving love or affection as a child has greatly affected me in adulthood especially in a sexual sense. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Thanks for your reply I really appreciate it, it's nice to know I am not the only one that isn't the stereotypical guy that feels no emotion I guess.

When I first started to tackle this problem that was the first thing I wanted to go and check out because I was almost hopeful it was a physical problem because that seemed to be something easier to fix. After a blood test or two for my testosterone and just general health he said it was merely performance anxiety and I would get over it and gave me a prescription for Viagra which did its job but didn't help with my actual problem. So I guess I am going to start having to look into therapy and it's cost, but unfortunately i know its going to be out of my price range. Anyone in NY have a tips to get therapy with help from the state?

I'm not male, but I have a similar problem. I have a lot of anxiety built up around the idea of sex and was questioning for awhile whether or not I was asexual. I decided I wasn't because I would like a healthy sexual relationship (not that a nonsexual relationship isn't healthy, I mean I don't want an unhappy sexual relationship). Every time I think about being in a relationship, one of the first thoughts that comes into my mind is "I'll be expected to have sex, probably 2-5 times a week. That seems like a lot. That's way too much of a pregnancy risk and I just don't know if I could be happy having sex all the time." I don't want to think like that. The idea of "I don't know what I'm doing, my partner won't like it because I'm not good enough at it, so we'll fight over sex because I feel like I'm failing so I avoid it and we break up" further pushes me away from any relationships I might come across. It's a vicious cycle. Call it performance anxiety, call it closet asexuality, call it anything you want, if you feel it's a problem, it's a problem. I personally feel like it's a problem in my life. I'm not able to live my life the way I would like because of this. If you find any answers or good advice, or want to chat about it, let me know!

Just applying common sense, I think your hypothetical sex therapist (whom you cannot afford) would prescribe getting familiar with your gf's body without getting too sexual. I also think that you can agree to practice sex that leaves YOU out of the equation - so that YOU do not need to perform. Do not take Viagra and just focus on her orgasms and be done when she is done. After three months of this therapy, report back.

I would also recommend reading books about sex therapy to figure out what a therapist would have prescribed had you been able to afford one.