OK for husband to stay friends with woman he had an affair with?

My husband had an affair with the girl he was in love with as a child. He said she was his best friend growing up. Now he wants his wife and the affair is over. She lives three hours away (and I just found out he went and visited her the other day but didn't tell me for fear I would freak out, which I did.) I gave him an ultimatum and said her or me. Am I out of line? He thinks this is unfair.

I don't think it's fair, considering he had an affair with her!

Out of sheer RESPECT for you, he should cut off all contact with her WITHOUT you even having to ask/tell him to!

It seems that your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. To expect you to happily wave him off to spend time with the woman he had an affair with is just cruel. He is lucky that you have decided to move past his indiscretion. He still wants to continue his friendship with this woman, which for myself would set alarm bells ringing. You are allowed to ask that he breaks off communication, so don't let him make you feel bad or guilty about it. We here to support you big hugs

um...I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated.

I would never give a guy an ultimatium. I would tell him that he needs to decide what he wants and ask him to please leave, or you leave, whichever works better for you for him to have time to think about it.

I wouldnt treat a man like a child because you will always be wondering. I would feel better if HE made the choice about what he wants. I dont want to make that "choice" for him.

I'm always ready to "lose" that person.

And no, youre not unfair. He is absolutely out of line to want this, and it tells me he's really not that committed to you.

This, absolutely.

You're not the one being unfair: the fact the he cheated on you is unfair.

The fact the he broke your trust and yet expects to be treated with trust and without consequence is unfair.

I think that you should tell him that he may continue his friendship with this girl only after giving you enough proof that it won't happen again. This means years of fidelity. I think he needs to know that you don't want to deal with a man who doesn't treat you fairly.

Only poll I have ever seen with 100%, I think.

But no, it is not unfair of you. You're a better person than I am. I wouldn't have given the chance.

Sorry but I'm cursed with this unusually good memory and I remember your other posts. You were separated from this guy. This guy cheated on you...has raped and abused you... and tried to kill you. I don't mean to sound unsupportive but why are you still with this guy? I don't understand that.

He doesn't deserve you! Why on earth is he is still visiting her? You deserve better

wow get outta there if these post r correct!!!!! And no you are not outta line HE is!!

If George is correct in recalling past posts about this guy, I too have to ask why you stay in the relationship ? I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love, but sometimes you have to love and protect yourself more. Gr8 big hugs and also a reminder that we're here for you.

Oh my...yes, I remember this. I am sorry I did not recognize your username sooner. I remember your previous posts.

I would second BDP's advice. I am sorry you are going through this.

Who was the one yes vote?!?!

strawberryfields: what you suggested IS an ultimatum.

Hell...NO

I agree, I would let him go.

Im sorry but once someone has abused your trust once things are never quite the same again. If you think he's generally sorry for what he's done and that there might be some hope left for the relationship then by all means work on it - but i think this would only apply if he'd cut all contact with her. The fact that he is still seeing this person AFTER the affair with her says that something isn't quite right. It doesn't sound like he has a lot of respect for you...

If he's still wanting to be in contact with this "other woman" then he clearly isn't ready to remove her from his life. If he is serious about wanting to be with you and wanting the marriage to work he should be on his hands and knees begging you to forgive him. He should be doing everything in his power trying to make it up to you and trying to regain your trust. But beyond all that, if he has abused you in the past... And then proceeded to have an affair... And is still not respecting your request to cut off contact with this woman... You can do SO SO SO much better. You don't need this. He isn't going to change.. You have a life to live that doesn't involve putting up with a man who doesn't know what he wants and is capable of abusing you... Relationships should make you a better person, they should be with a person who wants to make life better for you, wants to make you happy and help you grow and evolve. I have a lot to say about this subject, hits pretty close to home. I'm curious as to why you want to stay - something I've been trying to answer for myself lately.. I worry about being alone, worry about finances, stability, worry about making the wrong decision. At the end of the day, what is it that you want from life? What will bring you true happiness? Hold on to that and take advantage of all the support resources you can. We're all here for you! ***hugs***