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Lizabelle
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Confused Jul 17, 2012 at 12:01 AM
  #1
I'm 14, and a girl. That's about it.

The problem is, when I tried to "come out of the closet" to my mom, it didn't really work.

Her dad was gay, and since it was so long ago, he had all those problems about it not being accepted in society. So, when I told her, she said to be careful, because it can ruin your life. Was she trying to tell me that it's better to repress it??

Also, I tried to say it gently, so I said something along the lines of "I think I might be bisexual." And you know what she told me? That "Everyone has a part of them that's bisexual. You just have to choose to act on it or not."

WTF?! I thought it was something you knew about yourself... I mean, I've fantasized about kissing girls that I know. I've even asked one of my openly gay friends to introduce me to lesbian/bi girls that he knows.

It just feels like she doesn't believe me, or she thinks it's "a phase", or that I'm trying to get attention.

And now, it's making me doubt myself. Am I really making this up? Is it actually a phase people go through?

I mean, I know that I'm not lesbian. I do like guys "that way". But I feel the same way about girls.

Am I crazy for doubting myself? Or am I crazy for believing that I'm bisexual in the first place?

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I'm ok...isn't that what I'm supposed to say?
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Default Jul 17, 2012 at 08:48 AM
  #2
HI Liz

It can be normal for teenagers to be attracted to both sexes and then enter adulthood and find that they will settle for the opposite sex as an example. But some will continue to be bisexual into adulthood too, or gay for that matter. We live in a world today that is more accepting of homosexuality and bisexuality so it is not as a big deal as during your grandfather's era. Don't get too stressed about your sexuality right now, just live and and enjoy it for what is it. Explore it with other girls but dont' be too hung up on the labels. Just be you and explore your sexuality.
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Default Jul 17, 2012 at 11:32 AM
  #3
Sexuality is not black and white, and for most people, though it may be something you're born with, it may take years for that person to understand and accept themselves. I've been questioning my sexuality since middle school and by junior year was comfortable with being bisexual, now within this year I realize that I am not bisexual at all but pansexual, which is similar but different.

Your mother doubts you because you're only 14 and have not had the life experiences or have acted on any of those feelings. There's alot about sex and relationships and love you don't understand at your age, it's just life experience. I've gone through bi phases and straight phases and lesbian phases, I even briefly gone through a transgendered phase, all within four years of high school. It takes time, not everyone knows who they are straight from the womb.

And a side comment about society, many people believe that bisexuals are fakes who get drunk and make out for attention. Many people believe that bisexuals are only going through phases, and many people believe that you can't love both guys and girls at the same time. Alot of it is puberty. Everyone questions their sexuality during this time and yes, many people chose to act on it or not. There are straight men who will accept sex from gay men and straight women who will accept sex from gay women. The reasons vary, but alot of it depends on how comfortable a person is with their sexuality.

The most helpful resource for me when I was questioning were finding gay friends and getting involved with a Gay Straight Alliance at my school where they had many LGBT presenters speak and we watched educational videos and went to teen LGBT conventions. Of course, it also helps to explore who you are via dating. And above all else, I was comfortable with my body and my expectations before I would ever give myself to anybody else.

I'm not sure how helpful this is, but you can always PM me and I'll be happy to help.
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Default Jul 17, 2012 at 12:41 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lizabelle View Post
So, when I told her, she said to be careful, because it can ruin your life. Was she trying to tell me that it's better to repress it??
Possibly. While a lot of the things she said sound pretty ignorant, she may actually have a point here. You have to be careful who knows. I wouldn't say it can ruin your life, but it can definitely make things difficult.

Quote:
Also, I tried to say it gently, so I said something along the lines of "I think I might be bisexual." And you know what she told me? That "Everyone has a part of them that's bisexual. You just have to choose to act on it or not."
I'm not saying this is your fault in any way...but when coming out, especially as bisexual, try not to use the words "I think." You're going to have enough trouble getting people to take you seriously. Sounding unsure reinforces their stereotypes.

As far as her saying "Everyone has a part of them that's bisexual. You just have to choose to act on it or not." No, not necessarily. Many straight people like someone of the same sex at some point in their lives, or experiment a little when they're young. Does that make them bisexual? No, not really. Yeah, you have a choice whether or not to act on your sexuality. Everyone does, really. Telling you that you have a choice whether or not to act on your bisexuality is the same thing as telling straight people they have a choice too. It's possible to not act on it...but repressing your sexuality is not something you want to do. Believe me, I've tried several times and it has just made me more depressed and very self-destructive.

Quote:
WTF?! I thought it was something you knew about yourself...
It is. Don't let people's opinions change who you are. The main reason is because they can't, and it will just end up making you depressed and confused.

Quote:
It just feels like she doesn't believe me, or she thinks it's "a phase", or that I'm trying to get attention.
Congratulations, you have just been introduced to what are probably the three biggest stereotypes or misconceptions bisexuals deal with regularly. It seems like the majority of people (at least people I know) believe all those things. And it's hard to tell who will think that way and who won't.

For example, my martial arts instructor is VERY accepting of gay/lesbian people, and from what I've noticed seems to be pretty accepting of transgender people too. Open-minded person right? During a recent conversation within a few friends she said that she believes men can't be bisexual...and that she believes women can, because "I went through that phase too." I'm so glad I haven't come out to her.

So you just have to be careful, and be ready for this kind of reaction whenever you decide to tell someone. What can really help is being one of the people disproving these stereotypes.

Quote:
And now, it's making me doubt myself. Am I really making this up? Is it actually a phase people go through?

Am I crazy for doubting myself? Or am I crazy for believing that I'm bisexual in the first place?
Yes, it can be a phase. But that doesn't mean it should always be treated as one. People's hair color can change too...does that mean their hair color in the past wasn't real? No.

I think doubting and questioning yourself is something a lot of bisexual people deal with. I doubt myself every single day. I'm surrounded by people who don't think bisexuality exists, or is a phase, or is "just perverted"....of course I'm going to doubt myself. Sometimes I think maybe I'm really gay, maybe I'm really straight...I realized that wasn't questioning. That was hoping. But I am bisexual. I can't change that and neither can anyone else. Don't let others' opinions change what you know.
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Default Jul 23, 2012 at 11:42 PM
  #5
Thanks so much, to all of you guys. I really appreciate the advice. (:

One thing really struck a chord- don't sound unsure of yourself. I guess it was just because I didn't want her to be like my dad probably would be and say flat out "No you're not." He does that a lot... That's why I told my mom first. She's more accepting, usually.

Thanks again. Hugs to all of you!
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