Experimentation and Confusion

Hi im 26yo male, i consider myself straight as ive been with plenty of women and enjoy it. However since puberty ive had these fantasies about men, specifically being a bottom for an older guy. These urges seemed to decline a little as i got older but when i was 19yo i met a guy online and acted on my fantasy.
It was uncomfortable and i asked him to stop and he did, i went home releived because i knew now i wasnt gay, or bi, or whatever you call it..BUT i still have the urges! They have been really strong lately and a part of my says maybe i was just nervous my cuz it was my first time, and i was only 19, and i didnt know the guy at all, plus it was in backseat of a car which was uncomfortable..But another part of me says i am a MAN and a FATHER and this is wrong and deep down i know i could only be in a relationship with a woman.
Also after my first time i felt so degraded and less of a man it ruined my self esteem, toke years to recover from it..What do i do? Do i explore my sexuality some more but risk ruining my self esteem again? Or do i repress these urges and hope they go away as im still young? Im totally lost and confused.
It also doesnt help that i have major depression, anxiety, and a chemical imbalance which is what i blame these urges on, its like a switch, one min i crave women, and next i crave men. someone please help!

i aplogize if this post popped up twice im having problems posting a new thread

Not that I am a man, but I know that many men, even some gay men, who take huge pride in their manliness and are very fixed on what a man is supposed to be. Men kill the spiders, men are the fixer-uppers, men bbq, etc. Experimenting with other men doesn't normally come up on the manly to-do list.

But there is nothing set and stone when it comes to sexuality. There is more to sexuality than just sex. Maybe it's not men you are attracted to. Maybe it's just the penis itself. There are male submissives who are 100% straight but will enjoy being dominated by a woman wearing a strap on. On the other hand, there are 100% straight men who are completely comfortable with letting a man jerk them off. There are straight men who are compltely comfortable with wearing women's underwear. There are some men who take so much pride in their manliness that they won't have anything to do with letting women be in control. It's just finding out what you are comfortable with doing. You might not be comfortable with hookups, you might need someone you are close to who will let you indulge in these fantasies. If you want to stick with women, maybe try having the women use a strap on (obviously, take consideration into with who and how you bring that up in conversation.)

You can always email me if you want, another user introduced me to a website that I think would be helpful for you.

Thank you Dr. Skipper. What is the website? Also i dont think i could let a women use a strap on on me, if im with a woman i have to be in control. Its only in these fantasies that id like to have a man be in control. And it seems once i get the urges, and i massturbate, afterwards i feel glad i didnt act on the urges and i go back to being " myself " again. i know its strange, and confusing

Well some fantasies are just fantasies that happen when you get turned on. I for instance, have rape fantasies during masturbation. Of course I would never actually want to be raped, because the reality of it is awful. It's kind of like playing video games where you kill people. You have fun playing the game, but you'd never kill anyone in real life for obvious reasons. You have to ask yourself if you'd enjoy sex with a man in reality (when you're not horny) Think of it as realistically as possible. If the answer is yes, than feel free to continue experimentation. If not than it's simply a fantasy that helps you get off. Good Luck!

I'm wondering if it's more about the control than the males...have you ever tried once letting a woman be in control? If yes, did it do anything for you (so to speak)?

First off, it's a totally normal fantasy to have and I'm sure everyone at some point in time has questioned their sexuality. With your experience though, it may have been wrong for you because you went about it the wrong way. You said that it was your first time with a guy, and you were in an uncomfortable position, and you had just met him. All 3 of those could be factors saying that you could still be bi (I'm sure you're not 100% gay since you enjoy sex with women) and that just wasn't the right experience.
You should really try something like this with someone you know more than a stranger or trust, and in a comfortable setting. I'm not saying rose petals and a hotel bed, but not necessarily in the back of a car.
Also, think about the experience more closely. What about it worried you and what part about it did you like? Did you, for example, like kissing the guy, or did that gross you out? Picking out what was wrong and right to you could help you decide if you don't like guys or you just don't like that one.
Another thing you brought up is that this a fantasy and you've masturbated over it. Like siempre nada said, there are people that are turned on by things like rape fantasies but don't actually want to be raped. However, couples have roleplayed rape scenes and things like that that are consensual but let the person act out their fantasy, which is totally okay, so don't rule it out.
I think when you're ready, you should try it with a guy again, but be more wary. Find someone that you are attracted to and turned on by, and then the sex may be more comfortable. If you have follow up questions I'd love to help ^^