Is my problem with gender identity or sexuality?

Okay. This is a weird question (it's sort of two) and it has several parts. Please hear me out.
1. Gender issues:
To start off, I'm a girl, but I'm not so sure of how much I relate to it. I used to be a girly girl, but now feminine things make me uncomfortable. I like shopping for guy clothes, and with a few exceptions, fit in better friendshipwise with guys. When I say I want to look like celebrities, I give examples of male celebrities instead of female ones.The only thing really feminine about me is that I still like nail polish, some jewelry, makeup, and prefer to shave my legs, though I've never found that weird on guys either and also prefer them shaved so I don't know if that counts for anything.
When I masturbate (this is awkward, I'm sorry), I don't like to directly touch myself, nor do I like fingering or any kind of penetration. I kind of just rub my clit through a tissue or underwear. When I've tried direct touching, I get creeped out and turned off. I can't even wear tampons. I've tried inserting them twice and got so disgusted I couldn't bring myself to do it. I also dislike the idea of getting pregnant, I'd rather impregnate someone.
Finally, when I watch, read, or write pornography, I prefer guy on guy or girl on girl. When I watch porn with two guys, I feel envious of them/their bodies. When I watch two girls, I get turned on and find it hot, but I don't necessarily want to be like them or get envious of them.

These are all reasons that I question my gender identity, and then I have a problem with relationships.

2. My sexuality:
This is something that may be unconventional. I find myself attracted to any gender (pansexual), but there's a slight catch. I don't want to be anyone's "girlfriend." And by saying that, I don't mean that I want to wear the pants in the relationship but I want to be and be referred to as a "boyfriend," even if I'm dating a guy. Even if I married a guy, I'd want to be the husband and have him be the wife. This kind of thing happens in many situations, even slow dancing. I danced with a guy, and insisted that I put my arms on his waist, and he put his arms around my neck (is that weird? I mean he did it, but I don't know if that's okay)

This is where the two connect. I see how girls that are lesbians could be the type that liked a "butch" girl, and could possibly not mind referring to me as her boyfriend. But what if it was a guy? I feel like the kind of guy I would want, the more feminine type that would be a "girlfriend," would most likely be gay. (Are there any straight guys on here who would be okay dating someone like me? I don't think this is entirely normal, but maybe someone has the same issue.) I feel like the things I want in a relationship are not okay for a girl to want, which makes me further question if I even identify as a girl.

I know this is long and complicated and pathetic, but could anyone offer advice or a similar experience?

This sounds far more of a gender thing, how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, relationship dynamics with regards to your gender...

A woman who is butch doesn't necessarily see herself as not female, just that she doesn't associate with or present herself as stereotypically female. I would be concerned about how it might cause problems even to an openminded lesbian if you were to be called her boyfriend- that is to say, if she calls you a boyfriend it might be a little challenging to her perception of her own orientation (I only say that because I heard of a pre-op transguy having problems with his girlfriend like this) and she would be attracted towards you as a woman, which might cause a problem if you wanted to be seen as male or actually even transition in the end.

You say your best option for a feminine guy-girlfriend would be a gay guy, but you'd also run into the problem that he wouldn't be sexually attracted to a female body (although he might be willing to engage with it if you outwardly presented as male). I wonder if you might find it beneficial to go onto a gender website, where you might be able to work through how you feel about your own gender and perhaps even find some transwomen there who are pre- or non-op who would look male but be happy to be a girlfriend, if you see what I mean.

There's nothing pathetic about what you're going through. Gender and sexuality can get very confusing, even for straight/cisgender (non-trans) people. One good rule of thumb to consider is that sexuality and gender identity are two separate things, as are gender expression and physical sex. Here's a great poster which explains it pretty clearly:



I'm a trans woman. Previously I was with a guy who was quite feminine. I'm not exactly the most feminine trans woman out there, nor am I terribly masculine either. Personally, as far as my gender presentation goes, I'm somewhere between butch and femme, and I'm perfectly comfortable that way. It doesn't mean I'm any less of a woman, which is what I identify solely as.

As for my gender role in relationships, well, the more I think about it, the more complex I realize it's been with both my ex and my current partner. My ex was a guy, my current partner a girl, and in both relationships, I've had times where I was more in the "guy" role and more in the "girl" role. Ultimately none of it really matters. I do what's comfortable, whatever that may be.

When I started transition (almost a decade ago, wow!), I told myself one thing, and I've held onto it all throughout, and it's helped me understand other stuff too (like mental health stuff). I told myself, "I'm not transitioning to become a woman, I'm transitioning to become myself, whoever that may be." Basically, when it comes to gender and sexuality, there are no hard and fast rules (or at least, there shouldn't be). Just do what feels natural to you, and let others do the same. If you're attracted to more feminine guys, they're out there, too. There's a whole range of people who live outside of the binary, and there's someone for you too.

Check this poster out: http://www.thenewconsumer.com/wp-con...sion_front.jpg