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Default Nov 13, 2012 at 11:15 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by lynn P. View Post
Since his partner lives in Asia I wasn't expecting you to ask her. TBH I would hope people wouldn't enable philandering behavior. Was trying to be delicate with my question. If all partners are consenting then it would be acceptable. Well aware what this kind of pain feels like, so I wouldn't want to hurt another woman like that.
In regards to "philandering" - I try to avoid "calling names" and just use neutral terms that accurately describe the situation, e.g. "multiple concurrent partners"
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Default Nov 13, 2012 at 07:29 PM
  #22
We already did a lot of unprotected french kissing. What do other people do with kissing?
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Default Nov 13, 2012 at 08:47 PM
  #23
It is worse than we supposed.

GP: I would ask him to get tested. We don't test males for HPV. Asymptomatic male carriers can't be determined through our current testing abilities. Genital warts are confirmed clinically. When you perform oral sex, a condom will protect you. If he performs oral sex, a dental dam will protect him. If he has a history of cold sores, he should avoid performing oral sex on you to avoid transmitting the oral herpes virus into a genital herpes outbreak.
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Default Nov 13, 2012 at 09:53 PM
  #24
Yikes. Don't take away my oral sex. That is not good news. I am married and have been for 18 years so we should be safe. Watch out for cold sores. Think good my H doesn't get those. You have to be a carrier of the herpies virus to have cold sores I believe.

How do you have protected french kissing. I don't picture kissing w/ condoms on our tongues. That just makes me smile. Silly. But really how do you do that asfely.
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Default Nov 13, 2012 at 10:01 PM
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Yikes. Don't take away my oral sex. That is not good news. I am married and have been for 18 years so we should be safe. Watch out for cold sores. Think good my H doesn't get those. You have to be a carrier of the herpies virus to have cold sores I believe.

How do you have protected french kissing. I don't picture kissing w/ condoms on our tongues. That just makes me smile. Silly. But really how do you do that asfely.
That is my question too...

I am left to hope that having been married to a medical professional in the past, the guy knows about health.
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Default Nov 13, 2012 at 10:23 PM
  #26
This is from a very reputable source, on kissing and HIV (basically safe):
http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/hiv-kissing

But what about other STD's?
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Default Nov 13, 2012 at 11:01 PM
  #27
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Since his partner lives in Asia I wasn't expecting you to ask her. TBH I would hope people wouldn't enable philandering behavior. Was trying to be delicate with my question. If all partners are consenting then it would be acceptable. Well aware what this kind of pain feels like, so I wouldn't want to hurt another woman like that.
You must be a very nice and caring person to prioritize the interests of complete strangers over and above your self-interest to such an extent.
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 12:24 AM
  #28
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You must be a very nice and caring person to prioritize the interests of complete strangers over and above your self-interest to such an extent.
I don't think it's so much putting strangers interests above hers. She is being respectful of others' relationships. Once a cheater, always a cheater, so if people are with someone who has cheated on their spouse, the cheater will probably cheat on them too.

Lynn, I applaud you for NOT being willing to enter into a relationship with a cheater. I would not be either.
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 12:33 AM
  #29
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I don't think it's so much putting strangers interests above hers. She is being respectful of others' relationships. Once a cheater, always a cheater, so if people are with someone who has cheated on their spouse, the cheater will probably cheat on them too.

Lynn, I applaud you for NOT being willing to enter into a relationship with a cheater. I would not be either.
No, he won't "cheat" on me (gosh I hate this word but since you are using it I will follow suit). In order for "cheating" to occur, there should be an expectation of exclusivity, and I do not have such an expectation. He will leave for Asia in less than a month and I will leave for Europe where I have a long-term love relationship and he knows about it. I will just spend my Christmas break in Europe whereas he visits Asia every month, so it is not the same, but the point remains that each of us respects the other person's choice to have multiple concurrent partners.
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 12:42 AM
  #30
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No, he won't "cheat" on me (gosh I hate this word but since you are using it I will follow suit). In order for "cheating" to occur, there should be an expectation of exclusivity, and I do not have such an expectation. He will leave for Asia in less than a month and I will leave for Europe where I have a long-term love relationship and he knows about it. I will just spend my Christmas break in Europe whereas he visits Asia every month, so it is not the same, but the point remains that each of us respects the other person's choice to have multiple concurrent partners.
Well, it certainly sounds as though he is cheating on his partner in Asia.
I have no issue with you choosing to have multiple partners. My issue comes when, in that relationship, there is a partner (the one in asia) that does NOT agree with multiple partners.

I have far too much respect for people to intentionally be the cause of someone else's hurt. I cannot make the choice to be the cause of someone else's pain. You apparently have no problem with that.

To each their own...
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 12:55 AM
  #31
Well, the older child in Asia is 9 and the guy was still married to the midwife when the woman in Asia (who knows the midwife very well) chose to conceive. The midwife and the guy divorced when the older child in Asia was about 2 years old (and the midwife then had a daughter with another man who in the past had a relationship with the woman in Asia). So the woman in Asia does not like his having many partners but she goes along. Usually, when people are so intent on being exclusive, they do not choose to conceive when the father is still married to someone else, right?

And amidst all that for me to all of a sudden care about what the woman in Asia feels seems utterly ridiculous.
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 02:16 AM
  #32
I don't think Lynn nor Nicole are trying to attack or criticize you Hamster. If you'll recall, I had the same reservation on one of your earlier topics (I can't recall which...I think it might've been "a really long and weird but true story"). You explained your position to me there. I still wasn't entirely sure what to make of it, but I went about my advice to you.

I don't think they're attacking you any more than I was. I think it's only a desire to understand your position and to confer the risks involved, as my reservations were. No need to go on the defense.

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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 10:03 AM
  #33
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You must be a very nice and caring person to prioritize the interests of complete strangers over and above your self-interest to such an extent.
I've shown restraint on this thread, which is hard to do considering my history/topic. I've held back, even though I'm known to be a formidable online opponent.....if I'm pushed. I tolerated you implying my posts are amusing or laughable. You've addressed me 5 times and I've posted twice. You quoted me twice on the same answer. Regarding your statement above - usually I don't brag, but yes I care very much about other women, therefore wouldn't get involved with a man who had a partner expecting monogamy. I respect other women and would forsake my own desires.

I have nothing against people who want to engage in Polygamy or Poly-Amorous relationships, as long as all parties are consenting and fine with multiple sex partners. If any partner (woman) feels cheated on, then its not fair. My point here was..... asking if this is a man who takes advantage of any partner and to say there's a risk (STD's) if he has multiple partners. Asking for an HIV test would be a good idea. Polygamy and Poly-Amorous relationships work only if, all are consenting and at peace with the multiple partner concept. When a person has sex - they're having sex with all the past partners and vice a versa.

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Last edited by lynn P.; Nov 14, 2012 at 10:37 AM..
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 10:43 AM
  #34
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I don't think Lynn nor Nicole are trying to attack or criticize you Hamster. If you'll recall, I had the same reservation on one of your earlier topics (I can't recall which...I think it might've been "a really long and weird but true story"). You explained your position to me there. I still wasn't entirely sure what to make of it, but I went about my advice to you.

I don't think they're attacking you any more than I was. I think it's only a desire to understand your position and to confer the risks involved, as my reservations were. No need to go on the defense.
Thank you - that was a wonderful post. But I do not regret my posts in that light, as they do clarify my position.
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 11:39 AM
  #35
I do not think the woman in Asia has expectations of monogamy, because, as I said, she conceived - I am not sure of the appropriate preposition here - with/by/from a married man. She might want monogamy, but she clearly does not have that expectation.

I will definitely ask him to get a full battery of tests.
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 02:01 PM
  #36
So I think I have a good idea here. I will get tested myself, give him a printout and ask to reciprocate. I am not looking forward to spending the money (I do not have health insurance) but I think that it is the most polite course of action. I will call Planned Parenthood and my GP and the midwife's clinic to compare their fees.

Sounds reasonable?
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 02:56 PM
  #37
Multiple sex partners... Different continents... Frequent traveling... Really?

I think you are far too assuming. Like someone else already said, when you have sex with someone, you have sex with everyone they have ever had sex with. You don't know all of these people entangled in this web personally but you trust that they are only going to have sex with other clean individuals? Even if you did know everyone, who's to say that one of them isn't going to add yet another person to the web and then transmit something to you via the chain before you find out.

Add to all of that the fact that Asian countries can be notorious in the sex trade and I come to the conclusion that you are playing Russian Roulette. In this complicated, multiple relationship, testing is not only costly. It's silly unless you're going to ask him to get retested prior to each time you have sex with him. Considering he and the woman in Asia could be doing ANYTHING with ANYONE between your trysts with this man testing this month is worthless after he travels and has contact somewhere else.

My recommendation to you would be to forget testing but use condoms and any other physical barrier necessary to stay safe. Like I tell my kids, if communicating about sex and prevention methods is too uncomfortable, then you aren't ready to be doing the things for which these methods are necessary.
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 03:06 PM
  #38
His partner in Asia is a system administrator retraining to become a psychologist, in her 40s. How is sex trade relevant?

I do see the point in not testing, though. So I will save money on that... and buy dental dams instead. They should be much cheaper. Is sex through dental dams pleasant?
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 03:08 PM
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Like I tell my kids, if communicating about sex and prevention methods is too uncomfortable, then you aren't ready to be doing the things for which these methods are necessary.
that's pretty much my position. that, and people are crazy.
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Default Nov 14, 2012 at 03:10 PM
  #40
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that's pretty much my position. that, and people are crazy.
What post are you referring to?
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