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Ladyzero
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Default Nov 27, 2012 at 03:19 AM
  #1
Do we as humans have a basic need for sex ?
I know we crave love and affection and if we are starved of both either as children or adults, it can effect us greatly.
But as adults do we NEED sex ?
Do men NEED sex more than women ? And indeed it is said that to be healthy a man should ejaculate frequently.
I ask this, as a bf I had (not quite an x) been seeing before I became ill with depression, ( and hence have not left my house, or more truthfully my bed ) told me something today that quite upset me.
He admitted that at the weekend he booked the services of an escort, but as the appointment time approached he cancelled it. He told me he couldn't go ahead inspite of being very sexually frustrated. It wasn't what he wanted.

I was devastated by his confession and wondered how he could consider having sex with an escort. He stated that 'he is a man, and I have needs, and that a w*nk in the shower is not enough'
He has not had sex, or seen anyone else in the time I've withdrawn, and not seen him. That has been a year now, and every week he does ask to see me, and I can never motivate myself to see him. My self esteem is very low and I feel I've put on weight, so I hide away.

We had a good sexual relationship as we both have high sex drives. I know he masturbates every day, sometimes twice.
I always hoped he'd be patient and wait for me to feel better, well enough to see him, and he's never stopped asking to see me.
He tells me often he's sexually frustrated and that he needs me sexually, and I always told him when I do see him, reunion sex is not on the menu !

His confession made me wonder, if it would have been so wrong had he had his hour of release.
What if When we do see each other if we have hungry, reunion sex ?
What about FWB ? Are they just fulfilling a need ? Or is it wrong ?
I too miss sex, but also the closeness of being with someone I care about ( love?)
I know masturbation 'scratchs the itch' as it were, but you can't beat good sex / lovemaking in its many forms.
I am so glad he changed his mind about the escort , even though he never said, it was because of me, and my feelings. He said It just was not what he wanted afterall.

Please tell me what you think.

Sorry for the long post.
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Default Nov 27, 2012 at 03:29 AM
  #2
I think it depends on the person. For me yes it is a basic need. My husband and I went from 4-10 times a day to well right now it's been 2 weeks and nada. I truly resent him and if we get divorced this will be why. I got married because he could keep up. First few years fine and now

It is affecting my mood, my appetite, my self image and pretty much my life as a whole. He thinks telling me he loves me and wants to snuggle and hold hands should make up for it. What's the point in snuggling and putting up with being touched if you aren't going to get the good stuff?

I know his psych meds have changed and I should be patient as should your BF but there's only so much frustration a person can deal with before they snap and do something stupid. At least he told you and tried to open communication about what was happening instead of sitting on his feelings and letting resentment grow for you. Good luck to you guys.
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Default Nov 27, 2012 at 03:40 AM
  #3
Thank you for your reply. I hope things get back to 'normal' for you two. 4-10 times a day , WOW !
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Default Nov 27, 2012 at 03:44 AM
  #4
I feel sex is a need for men and women, even if it won't kill you to not get it. I think it promotes good health overall (as long as you don't contract any STDs or infections). However, my sex drive has gone way down as I've gotten older. I was very interested in sex as a teen and young adult, and now I want to want it, but my body doesn't crave it like before. I am depressed over it, because I want those wonderful feelings back.

Having said all that, Ladyzero, your bf is a jackass. I don't care how horny he gets, if he's supposed to be in a relationship with you, then he shouldn't be getting sex from other people. (I feel masturbation is ok, though.) Men don't die from not having sex, and when they feel they need sex, they can do something about it without cheating on you. If you do not feel like having sex, you shouldn't have it. He can take it or leave it. If he wants to be in a relationship with you, then he has to accept your desires and limits, too. If he won't, then he needs to go find someone else.

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Default Nov 27, 2012 at 03:48 AM
  #5
Thank you. It sucks because it makes me depressed then my libido goes into overdrive because I want to have sex so I can feel better. My hubby gets depressed and he shuts down on every level.

Do you think you two can make it through this rough patch? Fingers crossed for you.
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Default Nov 27, 2012 at 04:54 AM
  #6
I hope we can. He's just rang and we talked briefly. He says if I don't see him how can there be a relationship ? That I see, but he doesn't know jusj how bad I am, with the D. He doesn't know I live in bed, rarely showering, never dressing.

I so wanted him to say it was because of me that he changed his mind, but he didn't. Previously our relationship of 10 years just never went anywhere i.e. He wouldn't commit. I wanted and still do, marriage.

How long do I wait ? That's a whole different question !

However, when I finally do see him, do I withold sex ? For how long ? I don't want to be his f*ckbuddy, but what about this need for sex ? Should our sexual needs be met, and should I realise whilst I can live without sex, I'd rather have and enjoy a sex life.
If I don't fulfill his sexual needs then surely he will look elsewhere.

Thank you for your post
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Default Nov 27, 2012 at 01:13 PM
  #7
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
Is sex a basic need ?

I would say yes, sex is a basic need, but obviously not the most important need. There are other things to consider before sex such as safety and security which includes health, family, and social stability. For you, those needs aren't met and you're not ready for sex. For him, his health is stable, but his social needs aren't met because he is juggling his want for sex with his faithfulness with you. Depression is a trying illness not just for the one depressed but for the support lines such as friends and family. I have firsthand experience myself being bipolar, I get so depressed and angry it interferes with family and work. My family will always be there for me, but I can't rely on my friends and coworkers to pull me through--that's not what they're capable or willing to do. I don't know your relationship with your boyfriend, but he may not be capable to handle your depression and unwillingness to provide sex, though it seems he's willing to try and stay faithful. He wants to be the good guy, but yes, his sex drive is pushing him away from that.

The problem is that he's ready for sex and you're not, and people only have so much patience in spite of love and faithfulness. I can't give relationship advice because I don't know your relationship, but love and sex are two separate things and don't always go hand in hand. If his need for sex is so bad he has to call an escort, then he has some problems of his own that you can't control and you may not want that in a relationship.
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 12:27 AM
  #8
Is the diagram upside down. I am the polar opposite of that diagra. Food, shelter, Water, clothes,
Then : family, health, property,
Then : intimacy and connections
so on and so on.

Maybe that is why my life is screwed up. I had the diagram upside down like an ice cream cone all along.

I do agree if he had to call an escort service that is a problem. Have you considered seeing a p doc for you depression.
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 12:43 AM
  #9
the diagram goes from the bottom up, so food shelter is first. it's the base

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Is sex a basic need ?

Is sex a basic need ?
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 12:45 AM
  #10
Oh ok thanks. That does make since then.
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 03:13 AM
  #11
There is a big difference between sex and making love. Sex is merely a physical thing. People seek it out for a variety of reasons. physical release, comfort during times of stress, and because they find someone physically attractive.

Making love is a give and take and is based on a deeper connection. It doesn't rely on ego, ie, am I large enough, are my breasts big enough or shapely. It comes from a deeper place.

I can't and won't judge those who just enjoy sex whether partners know eachother well or not. That is an individual thing.

I don't know that sex is a basic need, but close connection with another human being is. How people get that closeness is a very individual decision.

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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 04:04 AM
  #12
Ladyzero,

If stranded on a deserted island, and could only have one thing...I'd choose sex.


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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 01:22 PM
  #13
I know I should get help but I haven't even the strength to do that. I sleep all day and wake up frightened and alone, eat, then maybe browse the net a while, then sleep again. Not living, existing.
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 01:33 PM
  #14
You should seek out help. Life is so worth living. Depression is not living it's existing. I've been there and I know. Now that I take meds I hate the time I let depression have just because I procrastinated. I honestly thought I could do it alone. I took and still take meds. I would not change that for the world. It gave me my life back and most importantly it gave me myself back. The meds did put a hamper on my sex drive. But I would take no sex drive anyday over the depression and the hindsight of what it took from me.
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 04:57 PM
  #15
I definitely see it as a basic need! But then again my dad always told me I had my priorities all wrong!! Fingers crossed that you can work it out. M xx
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 10:06 PM
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladyzero View Post
He has not had sex, or seen anyone else in the time I've withdrawn, and not seen him. That has been a year now, and every week he does ask to see me, and I can never motivate myself to see him. My self esteem is very low and I feel I've put on weight, so I hide away.

I always hoped he'd be patient and wait for me to feel better, well enough to see him, and he's never stopped asking to see me.
He tells me often he's sexually frustrated and that he needs me sexually, and I always told him when I do see him, reunion sex is not on the menu !
I do not think you are that ill to abstain from sex. If you do not have a uterine prolapse, you can have vaginal sex without a problem. No desire - buy a cheap lube at a drugstore. Lots of people are depressed but fulfill their partners' sexual needs nonetheless. To let a man go without you for a year - but he is a hero! It is wonderful that he did not hire an escort - go tell him that by having sex with him. Appreciate his faithfulness! If you feel fat, do not take your clothes off but give him oral sex while clothed - can you at least do that?

I will tell you a story. I have a friend who is married to a woman he loves. He used to have a great sex life with her. Then came a little baby. My friend became a stay home father. His wife works full time outside the home. My friend works from home part-time. He is a spotless husband in terms of picking up the house and childcare. But she was still tired from work and she denied him sex. For... two years. Young people, not having sex for so long. I was always clueless - why? Why could not she give him a blow job - it does not take THAT long and it is not THAT tiring, after all? I just could not get it why she would not do something nice that "did not cost her almost anything" so to speak. I had a similar question to him - why would not they engage in a quickie? He kept saying that she had very high requirements for sex, she was very particular, everything had to be just so. And that it was OK with him, he respected that. I kept hearing these stories and started believing that maybe I am this simple creature who does not mind quickies whereas she is a superior human being and I simply cannot comprehend her values in sex. And I was happy to live feeling inferior.

And then, the other day, he tells me... He no longer enjoys sex with the wife. He still loves her dearly and does not believe that he can pull off being unfaithful to her because of the strength of his loving feeling, but he is BORED having sex with her. I asked, in disbelief "Are you bored even when she comes, when you make her come?!?!" He responded with "Oh, that disgusts me".

He masturbates several times a day. 50% of the time he thinks about a former gf, a Polish woman who was perfect for him sexually but not as a r/s partner. As a r/s partner, he prefers his wife. He loves the wife. He is glad the Polish woman went back to Poland. But he talks with her and knows that she wants him very much as well. The other 50% of his masturbation fantasy is about everything else in the world, and NOTHING at all about the wife.

I asked whether this happened because in the past she denied him sex for so long. He says it was not connected, but I cannot believe it. I think she frustrated him way too much, way too much, and I encourage you not to follow suit.

Plus, if you have put on weight, you should not hide - you should exercise as this helps both weight loss AND depression, and does not give side effects if you are careful enough not to injure yourself in the process. I have been in your shoes and I have tried walking, swimming, and biking, and can tell you that biking is by far the most effective tool. If you hide and do not leave your bed, you would only put on more weight which would frustrate and sadden you more and send you down a downward spiral - do you need that?

Good luck with sex and getting your figure back. Do not know how to answer your question - I think it is too theoretical and cerebral and all I wanted was to give you practical information.
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 11:23 PM
  #17
Gee hamster, so basically tell her to suck it up, suck him off, or she'll live a fat lonely life. Not everyone's life is revolved around sex and sex is not always the answer.

Mental health should be a number one priority. Again, we're not here to play doctor or drill sergeant sex counselor.
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Default Nov 28, 2012 at 11:53 PM
  #18
So I thought more about your situation and basically you have been making irrational decisions for a year. Sex does not revolve around orgasm. I understand that you are depressed and have no desire and cannot orgasm, but sex means a myriad other things above and beyond orgasm. It has multiple benefits, from the trivial - you are burning some calories which never hurts - to the non-trivial - you are connecting with another human being who is important to you.

Plus, when you have sex, you allow yourself to experience feeling wanted, and that is a natural AD that is cost-free and without side effects. If I offered you a free, effective AD without side effects and you said "no"... irrational, right?

Plus, you are a mammal... however much you busy yourself with intellectualizing and cerebral questions such as "is sex a basic need?", you are still a mammal, and mammals thrive on touch. That is what distinguishes mammals from snakes. So OK, you do not have the desire, but you can still cuddle and benefit from the sense of touch and that would work as an AD as well.

Sex means no sensory deprivation. Sensory deprivation is bad. So, another benefit.

Your r/s seems to be an exclusive one, so I assume that sex would be unprotected, which means that you can swallow sperm. I think that the act of swallowing sperm gives a woman a supreme sense of accomplishment, surpassed only by the act of giving birth to a baby (that one is the winner overall for sure). Since you are depressed, you probably do not have a lot of accomplishments, right? So why forego the few that you can have? The sense of accomplishment is another AD. So it is as if someone were giving you gold and you were pushing it away with "sex is not on the menu"!

I am sure if I thought more about it, I would come up with another half a dozen benefits of non-orgasmic sex, but I do not have time for that. Do this exercise by yourself - recall the good times you had with your bf and list every good thing besides the orgasm. You will be surprised with the long list you will come up with if you do this exercise carefully enough.
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Default Nov 29, 2012 at 01:54 AM
  #19
I can't speak for all, but for me, yes it is very much a basic need. It is a part of my overall well-being.
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Default Nov 29, 2012 at 03:21 AM
  #20
I think men and women (or the same sex if you're gay or bi) should have sex together as long as BOTH want it. If a woman has no desire for sex but continues to give it to her husband, eventually, she'll become resentful. It really makes me sick, hamster, that you are putting all the of problems on Ladyzero, and let the man get away with not being understanding. They BOTH need to communicate and couples therapy would be a good thing for them to try. Both partners need to try to do things for each other; it's not just a woman's "job" to sexually satisfy and serve her husband, any more than it's a man's job to work and bring home the money. Both are equally responsible for everything.

Also, there are more reasons than just a uterine prolapse for a woman to not be able to have sex. I have pain with intercourse, but no doctor I've ever seen has been able to tell me why. Gynecological visits are torture. If a woman was raped, she may not be able to have sex, at least psychologically.

Women and men need to work together and complement each other. One does not get to be a taker while the other is a giver.

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