confession #one

I used to sleep around a lot. Part of me somehow thought it was okay.
I never liked myself. Always felt as if I wasn't good enough for anyone.
I lived for the moments where happiness felt OK. These guys would make me feel as if I mattered, they told me was beautiful, and sexy, but they didn't mean it. I could tell myself they did though.
I often felt out of place. The guys made me feel like I had a place, like I actually mattered. I have so many people in my life, but I never feel like I'm wanted nor needed. I feel like am intruder in my own home with my family even now.
It made me feel powerful, to flirt with the men and the boys. To make them want me. To make them try. I was the forbidden fruit.
I was free and wild, and I never listened to anyone. Ever. I was stubborn.
I didn't care what people thought, as long as they didn't know how I really felt about myself.
I loved that all my friends envied me, they would tell me they wished they had my confidence, my fearlessness. They had no idea what I was really like. That I wasn't really happy.
I know that if your reading this you'd think me a dirty wh*re, and I'd think that too. But my life was, and sometimes still is, a living hell. I was so so lonely, barely living. I guess I just needed someone to make me feel wanted for once. Do you think badly of me?
I don't do that any more. I'm a good girl in a good relationship, which makes me feel trapped because he sees me as his whole future, I'm his happily ever after. I love him. Do you still think bad of me?
I still get my kick online on sites like fetlife. I love it when I log in to see messages saying I caught their eye and showering me with compliments. Most of these are old skeezes but I don't care, they make me feel better about myself for a moment. I feel like I'm living a secret double life where I can be myself. I've gotten to know some amazing guys, but I like that they can try so hard even though my profile says in a relationship. I guess my guy would not like me chatting and flirting with all these guys, talking dirty and talking kinky. But it gives me a rush, makes me feel free. I'd never take up any offers, although there is the one guy I've really gotten to know well off it. Its just innocent.
What's your opinion of me now?

I do not think you are a bad person at all !

I do think you need to work on yourself .. It does sound to me like you need to get some help about low self esteem/ self loathing etc .. In many ways I think your desperate to find "love" and not really being rational.

You are so very young .. its fun at that age or any age to be flirted with and people telling you how beautiful you are.

Please be safe.

I feel the exact same way... But since I got out of my last relationship in July, I've gone back to the same trends... It turns me on flirting with others, and making them want me.. Just to lead them on for awhile.. Once I get him, I am bored, so I go and look for my next "Victim" ..

Now, at 27, I feel like something isn't right because I hate myself for the things I do, the way I think, sometimes the way I feel.. I obsess about how I look, just because I want someone to come into the trap. Since my eyes are the best thing about me, I play them up. I look at them just right, and wheel them in.. Just to regret it in the morning.-- So I know right where you are coming from! Feels exactly how I feel, but with better wording!

No Submissive...I don't think you're bad. Not at all. I absolutely do not think you're a "*****," as you wrote...please don't think that about yourself. It is not true.

The underlying theme I get from your post is a desire for acceptance and for being wanted (as in belonging, not sexually)...would I be mistaken in that? That's just my observation. At any rate, that is a perfectly natural and normal desire, and I don't think ill of you for wanting that. I only wish that you hadn't gone through so much at such a young age in seeking that.

I do not at all think ill of you. I agree with you calling yourself a "good girl." I would agree with that before you wrote it. I don't think your past makes you "bad." We are all human, thus we all make mistakes, or get a little misguided at times. I don't think you're "bad." Not at all. I think you are human.

I do think you need to reevaluate some things with your boyfriend, perhaps. Not to mean break up with him or anything like that, but you shouldn't feel trapped by him or suffocated or anything like that. I also, having read a few of your other posts, have some concerns regarding your compatibility, and I do think that he probably wouldn't be overly pleased with the fetlife stuff. But you're not doing anything wrong by being in a relationship with a good guy! You DESERVE that! You only need to make sure it's the right good guy, is all. And it very well may be him...that is your call to make, not mine. I only encourage you to communicate with him, in every aspect of your relationship that you can. That's a vital pillar for success.

Please don't think poorly of yourself...you're a good person. I believe that, and, as of typing this, at least 3 other people on this site alone think that. Your boyfriend thinks that, and I'm sure, if I knew the people around you, I can name quite a few more. The only person that matters in believing that, however, is you. You ARE a good person...you just need to realize it.

Please take care and know you're in my prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

I agree with the others. You're not a *****, you're not a bad person. Especially being young, you're learning about yourself and experimenting with most aspects of life. Some will be mistakes, some will be wonderful. Changing isn't easy, but if there's something you don't like about yourself, work on changing it to what you want it to be. I like to be told I'm good-looking (but that happened a lot more when I was young) and get compliments from men, so I get that part of it. Flirting is fun, and just being young has so many perks! Most things are made for young people--makeup in fun colors, clothing that doesn't cover much, glitter, etc. (Note: That doesn't mean I won't still wear something, just because I'm a little older now...I still like glitter! ) Don't beat yourself up. That's one change I highly recommend. If you can break that habit, you're doing yourself major goodness!

You are not a *****. I have slept with many men, and fooled around with so many more (i couldn't even count or tell you all there names). These men made me feel beautiful and wanted. I did many things I am not proud of, but i do not regret them. I do not let it define who I am. Don't beat your self up over it.

You are so not a *****. You were on the wrong path for a little while. Now you have changed for the better. As for viewing fetlife there are a lot of folks who think such things and pron are bad but I feel like that is serving you with a place of grounding. Life like that is something you know all to well. It doesn't make it wrong. Sometime when we are not accepted as who we are and are trying so hard to do right it is difficult to lose that part of who we are. It is like losing you arm. You can't just c ut it off or pretend it is not there. I to watch things (porn) but do things reserved when my H is home. When he is not home I am a different person.

He likes me to dress feminine. Not nasty but pink nail polish, no make up, tasteful clothes. When he is out of town I wear black nail polish or dark purple and clothes that make me feel young. His least fav outfit is a pair og camo pants that looks like someone threw purple metalic paint on them . I wear them w/ goth boots, and a purple shirt that (80's type) that is short sleeved w/ a wide neck and your shoulder's show. It is who I am. I used to dress like a slut. I loved it. I like to turn heads. I do know what you mean. I dress reserved when my H is around and not so much when he is not.

My son told me one day (since he is home now due to home schooling) "Mom I love your outfit" You look so cool. Even my kids have no idea of what I'm really like. It is like you are leading two separate lives. I do not think there is anything wrong w/ living out your fantastic the way you are. You are right your H would not be pleased most likely. My H would not be pleased if he found out I talk to real people here at PC. He is controlling and very jealous. He doesn't like me using the computer at all when he is home and he had better not catch me using it in the middle of the night.

The idea of you flirting w/ others on fetlife does concern me. I understand why you do it though. I can seem harmless. Most likely it is. Just like me watching porn but it could easily lead you astray. So do be careful. I to have to be careful in my viewing habits.

Thanks everyone. I think I just really do miss my old ways, I know it sounds bad but I miss being owned, I was a pet to my master and he owned me completely. I liked to dress like a ***** I loved it. I loved all the kinky stuff and the fetishes, I just miss the fun. Sex with my guy, I'm not even joking its totally routine 98% of the time, almost as if I know exactly what he is going to do next! He doesn't want to be controlling, he doesn't want to make decisions for me even when I ask, I miss being controlled. I miss it when my master would show me off to the world. I was a wild one, he would spank me red raw, then I'd still be cheeky and earn another punishment. I obeyed his rules (mostly) and submitted to him, he owned me body and soul.
I just feel so out of place lately, its made me insecure because I just don't belong in this way. Its no fun being cheeky if it gets ignored, its no fun dressing like a shore if it makes him mardy. I feel out of place. Does that make sense

It does make since. It's no fun to try be be noticed then get no reward for it. In fact I get put down for it.

Can you start small w/ your H. You pleasure him completely. Then allow him to return the favor. Start vanilla and work up to a little less vanilla. If he see's what it does for you maybe he will like giving to you and how much you like it the mercy and power of his hands. I'm sure you will have to start small. I think sometimes men fear that we are fragile. My H had no idea until about 15 years into our marriage that gentleness is not always necessary. We can handle a little or a lot of roughness. Sometimes it enhances things. I wish he would have realized that sooner. I wish I would have told him sooner.

Hi Submissive.

To me, I have to wonder if there's some compatibility issues with you and your boyfriend...he sounds, by all accounts, like a wonderful guy based off everything you've said, but to me, it sounds a lot like there's some very significant differences in your day to day behavior and sexual preferences. He might be a great guy, and you absolutely deserve a great guy, but you can't sacrifice The Submissive in a bid for this guy, you know? A good, long lasting relationship still has you being you, with the wonderful guy still in the equation.

Big Mama offered really good advice though...why not try to gradually build him up to some more "exciting" things? And please do talk to him...I know you said he hasn't taken seriously talks like this in the past, but it's not fair to you (nor him) to have you unhappy because he can't meet your needs out of not knowing them.

I hope things turn out well for you Submissive. God bless.

Harley

So I spoke to him on our way home from shopping. He's trying. We ended up having sex in the car! Speaking to him seemed to bring out another side of him. Maybe there's hope. x

Ha! rofl Well grats! I suppose spontaneous car sex is a heck of a start!

If he's willing to try, that's wonderful...I was hoping he would. I wasn't optimistic about it, but I was hoping. Just give him some time, and be patient. He can't feasibly jump from "vanilla" to "sundae" too soon, to keep with the ice cream analogy. Gradually lead up to things, and teach him.

I wish you both the best, and good luck!

I think you need to do two things 1) be kinder to yourself 2) treat life as an experiment for now. Experiments can and do yield bad results from time to time, but we can learn from them.

I've had these same feeling submissive. I've struggled with esteem issues all my life. Its almost like a drug to have someone give you the attention and "love" that can't give yourself. To completely throw yourself at someone and have them give you all the attention. To lightly pull away and have them tighten the reigns. I don't know why this gives me pleasure but there is something there that attracts me. I'm in a mostly normal releationship now and a truely love my partner, but a part of me wants the other life.

I don't think you are a ***** either. I think you have different desires than most people and people tend to critize people that are different. I hope you learn to like yourself and find things that make you happy.

I understand you like fetishes and kink, which is fine, so I imagine that you may like role-play, which is certainly great, too, and if you like PLAYING the role of a ***** and DRESSING like a *****, as in a GAME, this is totally OK and wonderful, but you should never have words such as "*****, slut" in your SERIOUS vocabulary. It should belong to role-play only. If you do not use racial slurs when talking about other people and I assume that you don't, you should not refer to yourself using derogatory terms.