Black and white views on virginity

I have some apprehension towards my first time. My boyfriend is very reassuring and comforting when he says he will take things one step at a time and not rush things. I'm nervous just to be naked with him and touch him. There are no plans to have sex for a while--my boyfriend told me it's completely in my ball park of when I feel ready--but when I am with him I want to go farther and when I'm alone I think about sex with him.

I know I'm not ready for sex right now, but I'm stuck with this black and white view of my virginity that I HAVE to have intercourse first or else it will ruin my virginity and I will be regretting it for the rest of my life. I realize that's an unhealthy way to view it, and I'm trying very hard that there's more than one option to lose my virginity. I've never been able to orgasm vaginally using my toys, and when I've been fingered I've been super sore after and it feels very uncomfortable, so now I'm rethinking how I want to lose my virginity. I've brought it up with my bf that I would like to try an*l first instead of intercourse and he was receptive and reminded me to take things slow.

There's a lot I need to think about and I'd need to have more talks with my boyfriend before doing this, but I'm very happy how respectful and comforting he's been.

Hey Doc.

I'm glad your boyfriend is so considerate and understanding. I think you two have made a wise decision in talking about it but not rushing into things, and I think you're wise for considering the event if it happens to be a ways off. Him reminding you to take it slow puts him rather in my good graces. In all, you seem very happy, and I'm happy for the two of you.

Virginity and what it is varies wildly from person to person. Some would say you're a virgin up until vaginal intercourse, some would consider you already are not one on the basis of fingering. I can't, in practicality, advise you on what does/doesn't. It'd be like trying to advise you why the blue crayon in the box is definitively the best (it is, by the way ). I would tell you though that there's no way to ruin your first time provided you are absolutely, certainly ready for it and that it's with someone you truly, honestly love and want to share that with. I don't think, in honesty, that the what or how matters at all compared to the who.

That being said, it is a very enticing and exciting prospect, but don't rush into things unless you are positive. As excited as you seem about it and the reverence I've known you to hold the event, I wouldn't want it to become a regret. Be sure, is all.

That aside, I hope a female poster can better serve you than I on the technicals...my only input there is that the tenderness after fingering might be the result of A) too much stimulation B) too direct stimulation or C) normal after orgasm tenderness. But that's quite outside my realm of expertise. I'm sorry I can't offer you more there.

But best of luck to the both of you, and if I don't talk to you before then, a merry Christmas to you both.

Hugs,
Harley

Thanks Harley, Merry Christmas to you too
I just have to remind myself to take things one step at a time and not worry too much on the future.

Exactly. Doc is ready when she is ready. Just try not to worry, and when the time comes, make sure you know that you know.

I like how you call him your bf already. I think you will do well no matter what course of action you take. He is considerate, he wants to take things slowly - what more can you wish more? It is possible that you were sore from fingering in the past because you were not really wet/excited. That means that this time around you might well be ready for fingering, since you do want to have sex with the guy. Your past experience is not necessarily a good predictor of future experiences, in my view.

That is true, I was not aroused in the past, and though I did want fingering this time and he used a lot of lube I still wasn't very aroused.

That'd probably be a reason then. Arousal is pretty important to the whole pleasure aspect.

You might be having some issues with nervousness or your state of mind preventing arousal, my first guess being anxiety. Try to relax Doc.

I think way too much about how I feel and how I should be feeling, whether or not it's the right time, what it means consensually/relationship-wise...but yes, I need to learn to relax. I've never been able to relax with a guy.

Hammie: I know it's really soon to be in a relationship, but it was my choice and a barrier I wanted to pass. We don't even say "I love you" yet.

It may sound dumb but dehydration is the main trigger of my migraines so it is not surprising that suspect that dehydration is the number one cause of all things bad. So natural lubrication isa fluid hence you must be properly hydrated.

There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. And you aren't ready to have sex until you no longer carry any apprehensions towards it or the person with whom you're going to have it.

I don't think I would try **** first. That would be SO embarrassing. I have yet to try **** and have no intention to though.

I understand there was soreness w/ fingering, do you have soreness w/ toys as well? If not it sounds like a controll issue to me. You are not in control of fingering, someone else is. Was is simple insertion or more than that. Sometimes it can indeed be to much or the angle is wrong. There is more to it then "insert" and "enjoy".

It is good that your man is willing to be slow. That is so important. Just because you think about it doesn't mean you are ready for sexual experiences. But I think you know that. Good luck