[LadyShadow]

Just a question to my fellow PC members. How important is sex to you? Is it wrong if you are not having it?

Also, if you are in a relationship and you have a good time together does it require you to have sex?

I have issues with intimacy, I have been in relationships where I felt used for sex so it was never enjoyable. But now, being in my 30s, I cannot "make love". I feel sex is more enjoyable NOW when it is cheap and meaningless, therefore I can't be with my boyfriend because I truly love him. So, the two years we have been together, I have not have sex, I just take care of myself other ways on my own.

WHAT???!! I don't know what the heck happened there. It is a total contradiction I know.

I will plan on talking to my T about it on Monday.

Opinions?

My husband and I have been together for eleven years and the importance of sex has changed. I felt compelled to have sex whenever he wanted for about the first five years, partly due to age and mostly due to insecurity. As our relationship has grown, so has our sex life. I no longer feel obligated, but we have still never gone more than a week without sex of some kind come hell or high water. I feel connected to him and I feel more secure when we have sex regularly, but I do not feel I need to provide sex out of obligation so much anymore thank goodness. Good question Platinum heart.

[bebop]

I think if both people are healthy enough for sex then it should be a part of the relationship. It helps to keep the emotional intimacy in the relationship. Not just physical. I am the wife of a man that does not like to have sex so that is my perspective on it. I don't feel we have an emotional connection because of it.

[JLarissaDragon]

I find sex is very important for me. My husband and I have had a good sex life and I feel that it has been a powerful force that has brought us close together. Both of us have needs and desires and we have had an agreement that neither of us will deny the other unless there is a really compelling reason. There are times when I have not felt like having sex, but soon find that my desires change quickly when my passions are kindled.

Sex can be the most intimate communication between two human beings, especially when it is treated reverently and with a deep sense of love and commitment that God intended it to be

[Maven]

Sex is very important to me, but my boyfriend and I haven't had it in about 12 years. It started with him losing interest (he says because of how he feels about his body, even though I told him it doesn't bother me), but then my sex drive diminished, and even though I want sex mentally and emotionally, I physically don't desire sex too much. Sex is also painful to me, and I've had several gynecologists give me several different answers, but nothing's helped.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 18 years, and while there are parts of our relationship that I don't feel we're connected, we do connect in other ways and we have a strong bond. I don't know if this answers your questions, but it's what I can tell you.

i'm not in a relationship, and i've never had sex.

to me.. if i go through the remainder of my life without it- it's really no big loss to me

[Inedible]

A 20 second hug can increase oxytocin levels. This is a good thing. Touch goes a long way to sustaining a relationship. Sex has a lot of benefits that go beyond regular touch, but it is touch which is vital. If there is no touching at all, get a cat or dog or something. People tend to feel more free when touching animals and small children, and it is probably better not to have children around if there is no touch between the adults.

[flipchart]

I like it, but I don't need it. Sometimes I forget about it for weeks.
There are many ways to achieve an even temper, and sex with the right partner is one of them.
Often sex is used to express a wide range of feelings, and in many cases I think words would be more important and sustainable.

[Big Mama]

My H and I have been married 18 years. I used to try to bring myself to have sex w/ him once a week. Now I just don't care to do it. Weeks can go by and the thought never crosses my mind. I feel like I owe it to my H, So I will be there in body but that is all. Sex is part of why people get married. Just not part of why I got married. I have intimacy issues and touch issues. I prefer no touch from people. I can pet the cat, the horse, the dog all day and it drives my H nuts. He wants to know if I love the cat more then him. The answer the cat always loves me. He always waits to see me and shows me he loves me when he does finially see me. He never yells at me, he never makes me cry, he never gets mad at me, and he always forgives. I do love my cat. I love my H to but we don't get along so well.

Sex is not everything. I try to please my H once a month, twice a month every now and again. He takes care of his needs pretty well. I take care of mine. I take care of his need w/ out sex sex sometimes. Seldom do I allow him to take care of my needs sexually. He has gotten used to almost no sex.

[Eliza Jane]

I feel the same way about sex that I do about booze. I just don't get what the big deal is. Both sex and booze are fine, but if I can't have them, I don't think twice about it. I compare sex to other pleasant physical sensations like taking a hot shower and washing your hair. Nice, but nothing to rave about. I recognize that I have a naturally low sex drive, but sometimes it makes me feel so different from the rest of the world. Fortunately, hubby seems to have a pretty low drive as well.

EJ

[vader]

I wish i had that take it or leave it attitude, but my drive is through the roof!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Inedible

A 20 second hug can increase oxytocin levels. This is a good thing. Touch goes a long way to sustaining a relationship. Sex has a lot of benefits that go beyond regular touch, but it is touch which is vital. If there is no touching at all, get a cat or dog or something. People tend to feel more free when touching animals and small children, and it is probably better not to have children around if there is no touch between the adults.

I cannot agree more! I use my computer on my tummy and one or more of my three cats like to sit on my butt/back/legs while I do, providing me with lots of warm touch. They also sleep with me at night. It is Christmas time and I have not used the heater in my apartment because the heat coming from the cats at night is sufficient for me (I am also sturdy and physicially resilient and rarely get cold, so that helps). I feel that part of the reason I do so well mentally is the ample touch the cats provide (if I use the computer for many hours at a stretch, I get touch from cats for that long because I am warmer than the floor and cats would always, always prefer to stay on a warm surface).

Although I currently am not interested in sex for reasons that are still unknown (possibly from Topamax which I just discontinued and we will see what it will yield), I still enjoy the touch part of sex, as well as kissing, so I think that the basic benefit of sex - touch - as Inedible has said - can be enjoyed even if you do not have the drive and/or orgasms. Of course, in order to enjoy the touch part of sex you have to either not have gone through severe SA/rape, or have recovered from them fully. I only went through low grade sexual molestation when I was a teen and although I ended up wounded and confused, it was not to a dramatic degree so I can still enjoy sex.

[High Treason]

To me, sex is incredibly important. I am currently in a relationship that has been sexless for a long time, and it's positively terrible.

[hamster-bamster]

I am thinking that sex is unimportant for some people because you do not need that much sex to reproduce and perpetuate the species. With water and to a lesser extent, food, you either have it orr die.

[Mike_J]

It depends on the person and the relationship. To me a certain amount of sex is important in a relationship but it's not a "deal breaker" if it's not there.

What I think is VERY important in a relationship is being able to talk about sex with your partner, and be willing to make sure that both of your needs are being met at least on some level.

[hamster-bamster]

It also could be that the species survives in perpetuity with reproduction of some but not all humans, hence not everyone is endowed with a significant sex drive. Plus, nature has introduced a lot of excess, a lot of extra padding - one ejaculation contains far more sperm than necessary for reproduction, so maybe on the other end of it there are people with low or no drive, because on the total there are more than enough opportunities for reproduction.