[bamapsych]

Is it normal for a 29 yr old straight male to go to a gay bar to see a drag show? He said he enjoyed it. He experimented with 2 guys when he was 16 for about a month and decided he was straight. He seems to be homophobic and refuses to meet my gay stepbrother but went to this gay bar with some of his buddies for new years. Any input greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[Mike_J]

What is "normal"??

I don't really see it as an issue, but your post does make me wonder why he didn't spend New Year's with you?

[bamapsych]

Yeah, im a little bit disappointed. I was alone that night and cried myself to sleep. I had a family Christmas party. I was home around 10 and texted him to see where he was at. I was planning to meet up with him and hang out but he ignored my text messages.

[Nemo39122]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

Is it normal for a 29 yr old straight male to go to a gay bar to see a drag show? He said he enjoyed it. He experimented with 2 guys when he was 16 for about a month and decided he was straight. He seems to be homophobic and refuses to meet my gay stepbrother but went to this gay bar with some of his buddies for new years. Any input greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Sounds to me like he's struggling with his sexuality. Homophobia can often be used as a cover-up for people feeling insecure about possibly being gay/bisexual themselves. The fact that he experimented when he was younger shows that he was confused at some point, or at least curious. Maybe he realized he wasn't straight back then and is trying to shove it away. Being unwilling to meet your gay stepbrother may also be part of that...he may just want to avoid the whole subject at times. But the fact that he went to a gay bar makes me think he still feels the need to be himself, or try to be ok with who he may be.

That's just one theory to think about. It may not be the case but I've seen similar things happen with many people, so it is possible.
However it's also possible that he went to a drag show viewing it as some kind of joke...who knows.

I think you should just try to talk to him about it. It might not get you anywhere, especially if I was right about him maybe being gay, but he just might talk if he feels its safe to do so. Who knows.

[Koko2]

If by normal, you mean usual or ordinary, then no. It's not customary for straight men to go to gay bars.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

Is it normal for a 29 yr old straight male to go to a gay bar to see a drag show? He said he enjoyed it. He experimented with 2 guys when he was 16 for about a month and decided he was straight. He seems to be homophobic and refuses to meet my gay stepbrother but went to this gay bar with some of his buddies for new years. Any input greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I know many straight men and women that go to gay/lesbian bars for the shows. it doesnt mean the guys or gals are that way it just means they enjoy watching shows that contain guys dressing up as ladies and shows where ladies dress up as guys. theres even a few movies out that are based on guys or gals dressing up as the oposite gender....mrs doubtfire, tootsie...and many others..

some people just enjoy the comedic entertainment of such things.

my opinion is if this guy really is homophobic they would not go to gay bars.

when anyone is exposed to their phobia's (fear of spiders, fear of snakes, fear of going outside and yes fear of gays or lesbians) they can not stay with in contact of what they fear for any real length of time, with out feeling mental and physical panic reactions, such as anxiety, blood pressure increases, for some people they have trouble breathing and some people literally pass out with in a very short time of being near their phobia.

if this was me I wouldnt take it personally. I dont like baseball but my wife enjoys going to games where the guys are dressed up and playing baseball. my wife has not met one of my close relatives and refuses to met that person because she's heard this lady does not as the relative says "buy in to this lesbian thing" I dont take this personally either, and I dont force the issue. everyone is entitled to having their own opinions / and beliefs. I wouldnt serve up apple pie to someone who doesnt like apple pie and say here eat it because I like it and want you too. my wife and this relative not meeting is the same thing to me. my wife has no wish to meet this relative right now and its her choice who she likes or doesnt like, its her choice who she hangs out with and who she doesnt and its her choice who she wants to be around and who she doesnt.

when situations arise where this close relative and I are getting together I let my wife know and extend the offer to join us. then my wife can make her own decision of whether she wants to join us or make other plans while Im busy with the close relative.

Someday they may want to meet and get to know each other but for my wife and this close relative now is not the time. I accept that and go on with my life.

[Sam2]

Nemo gave you a really good answer. He may be unsure about how he feels.
More people than would admit it have done some "experimenting" with the same sex early on in life. Sex is a very complex issue.

I would agree that you shouldn't try to confront him about not wanting to meet your gay stepbrother. If your friend is having doubts about his sexuality, questioning him may make him defensive and extremely uncomfortable.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like woman accept other women or men that are gay than straight guys do. (Guys don't always mind gay woman, but very often feel uncomfortable with gay men). We seem to be less tolerable as a gender about that than women. If a straight guy thinks another guy is making a pass at him or looking at him, say in a locker room, it can even end in violence.

Give your friend some space when it comes to that part of his life. If he decides he is gay, its up to him whether to tell you or not. He may not be answering your texts because he suspects you know about his struggle and is afraid of what you may ask or how you may feel about him. Understand that he is probably in emotional turmoil, and realize that he is the same person he always was. If your brother in law is open about being gay, he might be able to give you some insights as to what your friend is going through.

Sam2