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Old 01-18-2013, 07:26 PM #11
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Default Re: Feel ruined

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Originally Posted by unhappyguy View Post
what kind of a church would want you to stop having an intimate relationship with someone who loves you? considering your background, why would you put a religion above the most important person in your life?
judging from the reply you gave this woman, i believe that your past was filled with religious people who acted hypocritically and often condemned you, right? I'm sorry you feel that way, but do i have a problem with such people?
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:16 PM #12
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Default Re: Feel ruined

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what kind of a church would want you to stop having an intimate relationship with someone who loves you? considering your background, why would you put a religion above the most important person in your life?
i thought he loved me, but as he physically attacked me and endangered my life in the car after we were no longer sleeping together, i question whether he did. In the Judeo-Christrian religion, followers are not to have intimate relations before marriage and God is before all else abd the most important relationship before romantic love.
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:27 PM #13
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Default Re: Feel ruined

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It does not sound like a good fit - this religion and you. Your problems have exacerbated since you joined, not diminished. What is the point? Nobody is pressuring you to adopt this line of faith -- you are making a choice for yourself. Choose something that is nice and helpful.
Actually, a lot of things are extremely better. I just got the job i've wanted for 2 years and i LOVE every single church activity, meeting, person etc. i don't know how to explain it but i feel absolute peace at church. The members have also paid my bills when i lost my other job and repaired my house. I met a group of people that think like i do. Also i never felt right about sleeping with my bfriend, but i just didn't want to hurt him.
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Old 01-18-2013, 11:55 PM #14
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Default Re: Feel ruined

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I hadn' considerd that. How do you mean the church would like for you to find a husband? I had taken it to mean that they would simply like, at your pace, for you to find a good guy. I hadn't considered Hamster's implication.
Ji
Hamster does bring up a valid point that I had avoided, to an extent. I do think it is a little...well, it's none of their business what you do. A church is to advise and guide (imo)...not to pry. And I do agree with Hamster's assertion that it was, perhaps, a heck of a litmus test...but he failed that with flying colors. He should've understood your perspective (not necessary for him to agree, just try to understand), and he should've tried to communicate with you about it. His response was a massive failure on his part. (though not at all disagreeing with you HB...lol rather trying to mesh your point and mine ).

My offer to contact my inbox stands at any time.
thank you both. No, i poorly worded that part about find me a husband. Even as far as breaking up with bfriend the persons that supported me at church said they could not tell me
what to do. It's just that it's a big church and it's organized so if you want to meet somebody the activities are there. I do have a therapist. Yeah, i am vulnerable. I know this.

yeah it was an unusual situation with the stopping sex, but i don't feel very sympathetic to bfriend as he knew i was retraumatized having to see and report one abuser after 20 years when i found out she was working with deaf children and after she may have been
responsible for my brother's death. That's a long story. Also, it wasn't unusual for bfriend. and i to go through long periods without sex whenever i was working through something, but it got worse when i asked him to do some sexual healing exercizes with me and he wouldn't. I was trying to be more intimate but he was unwilling to do the work with me. I gave him a book on how to support me and i'm pretty sure he never read it.
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Old 01-19-2013, 11:19 AM #15
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Default Re: Feel ruined

If you slept with the bf for the sole purpose of not hurting him, then it all seems for the better. The church organizing activities that encourage mingling among singles or better to say enable mingling is benign. The attitude towards children still seems extremist. Even the most child loving Orthodox Jews, you know, in black clother and with countless kiddies, still would give you an exception, immediately, due to the medications you are on. Mother or potential mothers health is always a higher priority.
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:40 PM #16
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Also, having two divorces on your relationship resume is not a cause for concern, in and of itslef. It does not rise to the level of pattern. If you had ten divorces, then one could conclude thaat marriages are somehow just not your thing but two is common. If a woman occasionally gets yeast infections, her doctor does not sound an alarm because yeast infections are common. A series of frequent yeast infections not preceded by antibiotics creates a pattern and warrants HIV screening. The usual statistic given for the rate of divorce is fifty percent. So being once divorced is quite likely and twice divorced, less but still likely. Plus, nowadays people vary in their criteria of what calls for a marriage ceremony. The divorce rate we know of is compiled by using the figures supplied by bureaus of vital statistics. What about the rate of breakups in cohabitation relationships? May be you married easily and other people would have cohabitated in your circumatances?

To sum up, while divorce unlike death and taxes is not a certainty it is very commonplace and your having been twice divorced does not mean anything bad about your self worth.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:33 PM #17
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Default Re: Feel ruined

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Originally Posted by likewater View Post
i thought he loved me, but as he physically attacked me and endangered my life in the car after we were no longer sleeping together, i question whether he did. In the Judeo-Christrian religion, followers are not to have intimate relations before marriage and God is before all else abd the most important relationship before romantic love.
As an obvious fact, the majority of followers of the Judeo-Christian tradition in America engage in premarital sex. You got yourself into something extremist and fundamentalist, it seems. At the same time, helpful. So, a mixed bag. Good stuff and bad stuff. You can calmly identify what is good to isolate and analyze it. For example, it seems clear from your description that you enjoy and appreciate social support. That is very understandable and you definitely deserve support and nurturance. But many concgretaions engender social cohesion among their members, creating an environment that would be good for you, while at the same time interpreting religious texts in a more compassionate and modern manner, acting more as spiritual advisers, as Harley suggested, and less as prescribers and interventionists. I do not see much compassion to your inability to go off medications while on necessary medications in what you have described. Lastly, while it is excellent that you stopped giving yourself intimately to your bf
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:42 PM #18
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Default Re: Feel ruined

Sorry, the phone. So you do not give yourslef to him against your will which is an excellent development but the reason for it had nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with the church's ideology. So the good outcome is purely coincidental. Someone - some church, T, someone needs to focus on YOU and become outraged that for five years you went through an unnecessary self-sacrifice of having intimate relations against your will. Sure women are sometimes tired and may occasionally engage in quick sex just for the sake of the guy while they'd rather be sleeping. You did something else, on a grand scale.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:48 PM #19
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Sorry, no compassion in regards to your inability to get pregnant while on psych meds.

LITHIUM has been used since roughly 1950. Antidepressants, a little less but still for many decades. Essentially, for a long time, more than enough to demand that spiritual leaders adapt to this new reality and adjust their message accordingly, taking into accounts that some of these drugs are teratogenic.
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Old 01-19-2013, 05:18 PM #20
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I am not real familar w/ judo- christian. I am of baptist faith. It is strongly encouraged that you do not have premarital sex. But the word we live doesn't make that easy. It is not a desired trait to partake in and pregnancy can be really hard having been taught better in the church. But the lord does forgive. And as christians we should love the sinner and not the sin. Unbelivably we are quite accepting of these kids of accidents.

I was raised in church and still gave into temptation and had premarital sex. The bible teaches all kinds of things that are difficult to do. for example Divorce is not looked down on as a good thing either.

As for the ability to have children, Sara from the bible was close to 90 I believe. She had a baby. Now a days we can't have babies at 90 but we can at 45. So you may well have a good opportunity later on in life to have children. Not all psy meds are forever. If having children once you are married is still a priority going off them for 9 mo sounds tough. But there is a widly misunderstood way that a womans body works. Often while she is pregnent her body no longer requires the meds until after the baby is born and as long as the baby is solely nursing. Immidiately after these things have stopped the need for the meds return and life goes on as it did before w/ the medication.

My sister in law was in a car accident and she suffered brain damage. She took prozac and I'm not real sure what else. She quit taking them as soon as she found out, the baby was fine. She nursed her little one for 4 months and went back on her meds. W/ out them while not pregnant she is very controlling, loud, abusive, angry and compulsive. With them you would never know she had to take them. Because of this accident she will never be able to go off of them except in the case of pregnancy. She has gone on to have another child.

No children is not the most horrible aspect of religion. A woman w/ no children of her own can teach sunday school, she can mentor other kids, she can be youth leader. Sure we are supposed to procreate, and some religions go a little far in procreation. Saying to only have sex w/ having children in mind. There are so many different beliefs.

It is also not uncommon for men to behave erratically when sex is w/held. Some men have a huge sex drive and get testy w/ out sex. But that is no excuse for abuse. If there is abuse involved then it is time to walk away. Giving into sex even though religion says not to, meaning if you have sex w/ this guy then you will be showing him that the church and religion do not mean that much to you. So you will have to choose. God does forgive, God does know we are human w/ human desires. We do slip, we do fail, and God allows mistakes, but he doesn't like habitual sin. And that is wrong to knowing do wrong and continue to do wrong. It is a hard call to make. Sin or sin not.
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