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Old 01-18-2013, 12:33 AM #1
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Default Feel ruined

I joined a church i love and i stopped sleeping with bfriend. He always said he loved me for my soul and companionship and he would love me whether we had sex or not. He never wanted to get married. Well i stopped sleeping with him for religious reasons and i was abused as a child and recently retraumatized BADLY.
well he became abusive and then admitted it was because we were no longer intimate. We were together over 5 years. Now i'm so confused. The church would like to find me a husband, but with my experiences, i'm thinking, why would i want a guy? They just use me and leave me devastated. Also, why would a guy want me? I feel used, humiliated, ashamed, dirty. I'm twice divorced. My story of abuse is sickening. Because of my meds, i don't think i can have children safely and i can't go off my meds. Also i don't want to mention my denomination, but kids are a big deal in my faith which is one reason i love my faith. Kids are just wonderful.aaargh. Why am i on this planet? Everything is too complicated, scary and confusing.
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Old 01-18-2013, 08:32 AM #2
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Default Re: Feel ruined

what kind of a church would want you to stop having an intimate relationship with someone who loves you? considering your background, why would you put a religion above the most important person in your life?
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Old 01-18-2013, 02:34 PM #3
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Default Re: Feel ruined

I support your decision to join a church and to follow it's teachings about premarital sex, it's your choice and I respect you for it. Sounds like your boyfriend didn't like the change in the relationship, that is disappointing but not unexpected.

Now speaking as a guy, I look at every woman as a unique individual. And maybe because I don't like the idea of people looking at me as "damaged goods" I don't ever view others in that way, but that is me, not everyone feels that way (sad fact of life) but there are plenty of decent people who do feel that way. I'm sure there are tons of reasons that men would want to be with you, the more difficult thing is getting to the point in your life where you want and are ready to have a man (or woman) in your life. Don't push this, don't get into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship.
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Old 01-18-2013, 02:59 PM #4
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Default Re: Feel ruined

Bless your heart.

Please understand...I don't know the precise details of what happened to you, but that does NOT make you unclean or dirty or anything like that. You went through something that no one ever, ever deserves to experience. That doesn't make you a bad person Likewater...that label only applies to the person horrible enough to commit something like that. It is not your fault. You have nothing to feel ashamed about...I am only sorry it ever happened to you to start with.

I don't know what denomination you are, but I go to church myself as often as I can when I am home, which is less often than I would like (I am a Christian...Disciples of Christ denomination). I do know what the Bible says about sex before marriage, and I am in no type of authoritative position to argue or "twist" the Word. I wouldn't try to. I would only say to you that I think the provision mentioned in the Bible isn't as black and white as it is often taught...I think it is meant more as to say that fornication outside of a established, committed relationship based on love is a bad. Love is what sets our actions apart from those of other species, and is what makes it special. I think, in my own beliefs, that is the message, though as I said, I would not be so bold as to profess I am an expert on the matter, and I would not want to risk misinforming you.

On the other hand, I think for him to treat you abusively due to lack of intimacy speaks a lot of him...I can understand disappointment and frustration, as for him it's going to be something he isn't going to fully understand, and he might view it as "unfair" (though I would tell you that if you are doing this for religious reasons, that is something of a magnitude that I feel he should respect). But for him to become abusive for any reason is a no go. No one EVER has a right to be abusive to you, over ANYTHING.

And please...I know how devastating the loss of the ability to have children can be. But that does not harm or damage your value as a person...that does not make you unlovable. Please do not give up hope there. I have not the faintest doubt that out there is a guy who'll treat you as you deserve to be treated, and who'll love you for you. You only need not lose hope that he exists.

Do take care. If I can do anything for you, consider my inbox open.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
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Old 01-18-2013, 05:22 PM #5
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Default Re: Feel ruined

It does not sound like a good fit - this religion and you. Your problems have exacerbated since you joined, not diminished. What is the point? Nobody is pressuring you to adopt this line of faith -- you are making a choice for yourself. Choose something that is nice and helpful.
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Old 01-18-2013, 05:30 PM #6
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Default Re: Feel ruined

"Everything is too complicated, scary and confusing."

You have just made it more complicated, scarier, and much more confusing by joining something extreme. I mean, church finding you a husband? Are you not able to find yourself a husband when the time comes and you feel like it?? Why would you delegate this important task to the church? What else would they be doing for you - applying to colleges or for employment or whatever is relevant to you now? Who would have to live with that hypothetical husband - you or the church? If you, then you should oversee the selection process because you would deal with the consequences.

***

In a way it was a litmus test with your bf. He became abusive when deprived of intimacy. So, he is not the best. Abuse is bad.

But you should understand that you put him to a really extreme, unusual kind of test. Most girlfriends who have spent 5 years with their boyfriends do not stop sleeping with said boyfriends all of a sudden just because some extremists have brainwashed them. Do you realize that? I am not trying to excuse his abuse but just to say that he, well, went through an experience that is out of the range of ordinary.

***

So it seems that the boyfriend is no good and the church is no good. Not an enviable situation to be in, for sure...

***

From what I can gather, there is a whole range of available options in today's America in terms of denominations so you can most definitely find something that would strengthen rather than undermine you.
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Old 01-18-2013, 05:53 PM #7
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Default Re: Feel ruined

"My story of abuse is sickening." and you are twice divorced.

So this shows that you have a history of making poor choices when it comes to partners. Still I do not think it is reason enough to have a third party - the church - choose a partner for you. You need to learn from your mistakes and choose for yourself, because it is your life to live. Right now you do not seem to want any partner. You probably want to spend some time alone to find peace.

It seems that the medications you are on are insufficient and you need therapy to help you feel better about yourself and find peaceful answers to the question about what you are on this planet.
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Old 01-18-2013, 06:09 PM #8
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Default Re: Feel ruined

Thought more about it...

So this particular church has abused you by violating your right to privacy. Your r/s with your bf and whether you sleep with him is your private life - the church should not have interfered. That you gave up your right to make your own decisions in regards to your personal relationships so easily just shows how susceptible you are to being abused.

You need to realize that all those guys and this church are just different characters in this long line of people/organizations that abuse us and make you feel ruined, dirty, used, humiliated, and ashamed. All of them. Without exception.

You are a very vulnerable person and you definitely need therapy and a break from belonging to a partner or to an organization. So I take it back about your looking for a husband on your own or choosing a church that would boost you. You do not need anything of that sort right now. Your intuition correctly tells you that you do not need a partner at present. You also do not need a church, just therapy.

After you have had some help from therapy, you can start choosing partners, denominations, friends, and all the rest of that. You need some framework built first.
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Old 01-18-2013, 06:24 PM #9
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Default Re: Feel ruined

I hadn' considerd that. How do you mean the church would like for you to find a husband? I had taken it to mean that they would simply like, at your pace, for you to find a good guy. I hadn't considered Hamster's implication.

Hamster does bring up a valid point that I had avoided, to an extent. I do think it is a little...well, it's none of their business what you do. A church is to advise and guide (imo)...not to pry. And I do agree with Hamster's assertion that it was, perhaps, a heck of a litmus test...but he failed that with flying colors. He should've understood your perspective (not necessary for him to agree, just try to understand), and he should've tried to communicate with you about it. His response was a massive failure on his part. (though not at all disagreeing with you HB...lol rather trying to mesh your point and mine ).

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Old 01-18-2013, 06:28 PM #10
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Default Re: Feel ruined

Yes, basically, as with King Lear. Only here there aren't three daughters but one boyfriend. But the point remains, your predicament has revealed his true nature.
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