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Old 01-27-2013, 11:19 PM #1
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Default Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

Help. I don't want anyone to touch me. My H and I have had a not to great marriage for many years now. He has done a lot of hurtful things emotionally to me. I have developed PTSD mostly at his hands, well words. We just don't get along that great. After a discussion tonight my H more or less said be "friendly" or else. Not put out or get out but act like you like me, touch me like you like me. I told him I don't want to have sex everytime he puts his hands on me and that is what I feel like he wants. He says not in a sexual way. Hold hands, put my hand on his leg, be receptive when he hugs me. I can't though. I'm not like that. Just writing parts of this repulse me. Just the thoughts of physical touch gives me chills.

I would say the deteriating relation ship is to blame but that is not the case. I am just not a touchy feely person. I never have been. The T asked my H what kind of touch had he recieved in the past that he liked because I obviously have no idea what he is talking about. He talked about girls friends with there hand in his back pocket, or holding onto his belt loop. Simply holding hands or setting near one another in the truck. I don't do those things. I never did those things.

It sounds so simple. But why is it so hard. I'm 38 for crying out loud and have been married to him 18 years. It's not like we just met. This is what he wants from me. I want him to be nice to me and stop w/ the emotional abuse. I realize that emotional abuse doesn't make me want to be touched by this man. I feel more like his kid not his wife and that affects our relationship in the bed room as well as out of the bedroom.

I was raped repeatedly as a teenager by a boyfriend. There are some things I jsut do not do and my H gets that. But he is not talking about sex. Well sex to but more just casual touch. My H said more or less, I have wasted 18 years of my life waiting for you to come around. I aint waitin another 18. If you don't think you can improve and be more affectionate let me know because I don't play on staying for 18 more years like this.


WHAT!!!! Is all I could think. We have worked on alot of things and overcame many obstacles. I have asked him to do things that I think might be beyond his control. Be nice to me, don't yell at me, help me out some.

God is that something I can really change? Can I do that to save our marriage? The thought of being accepting of my husbands advances scare me. If I loved him and didn't fear him maybe I could be more affectionate. I don't fear him in a physical abuse kind of way, more of I don't trust you w/ my heart kind of way. Emotional abuse has eaten away at our relationship to the point that there is almost nothing left to hang on to.

Touch, who thought it would come down to this. I have given of my self in all other areas of our marriage, but touch, I have a real hard time w/ that.

My H is not the first person I dated that has called me unaffectionate. I have had a few boyfriends who had the same complaint. Nothing to do w/ sex. Is it due to 9 mo of rape that is feeding this fear. I do not know. Is this something someone can change, I don't know. For years I wanted to know what am I doing wrong in this relationship, this is the big issue, how petty to say that I cannot bring myself to hold hands, touch my H's arm, be receptive to his hugs, to his kisses.

Yuck. Just saying those last two things make me cringe. I've been married to the man for 18 years. What is wrong w/ me. How did I get this way. Is a kiss or the lack of gonna seal my fate.

Can anyone relate to this, am I crazy, am I the most freakish female ever. I'm not lesbian, I'n just broken I guess. What is wrong w/ me. Why wouldn't someone want touch. It is human nature. To communicate threw touch, to love, to nurture, to feel another humans touch. But I'd rather not.

well I'm not really gettting anywhere tonight, please help me if you have any thing to offfer. Goodnight.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:42 AM #2
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship. When you marry someone, you allow them to know what makes you happiest and what hurts you the most. All people have disagreements, but when someone uses the things that they know will hurt you the most, that is abuse.

Rape is a traumatic experience, even once let alone several times. It can ruin previously strong relationships let alone relationships that start after the fact. Whether or not that is part of why you are wary of touch is something that only you know.

Do you know why you feel you need to stay in the marriage you are in? It sounds abusive, and if it is, every year that you spend being intimidated and verbally abused is going to strip more of your self esteem away. Believe me, I know. I was in a marriage for seven years during which my wife abused me emotionally. When I would call her on it, she would cry and say she was just trying to get a reaction. I'd forgive her, then three or so days later, it would all start again. I didn't believe in divorce and we had a small child, but I realized that anyone who would treat me that way, really didn't love me. I got out, fortunately before my son was able to recall all the abuse, but the emotional scars are still there. No one should have to live that way.

The reality is that the abuse is not going to stop on its own. If you really love this man, then you need to get both of you into counselling. If you search your soul and find that you really don't love him, you need to get out. There are other people who don't particularly need to be "touchy feely" either. Fear of being alone or never finding another mate is not a good reason to stay in an abusive relationship. You don't deserve that. You are not an object to be used or a trophy to hang off your husband. He sounds a bit like a control freak.

It is entirely possible that you are suffering from PTSD. Unfortunately, I think it is easier for a man to find a woman who is more understanding about touch boundries and emotional problems than it is for a woman to find a man who will understand. (I can say that being a guy lol). It could be that you have never been in a realtionship that you truly felt comfortable with. Regardless, who ever you are with, they need to respect your personal space.

I'm not a touchy feely person myself. I rarely use people's names when I talk to them. My personal space is huge. If someone goes to hug me, I literally back up. For those that really needed a hug, I would steele myself, but would still be stiff. There is no general norm for interpersonal relationships. If you aren't comfortable hugging, holding hands, whatever, then who ever you are with needs to respect that. Don't waste your time letting someone make you feel like their problems are your fault. You are still young. It may not seem like it, but you are. Talk to your therapist about your feelings. If nothing else, it may help you to clarify what you are feeling.

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Old 01-28-2013, 12:50 AM #3
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

hey. sorry to hear you're having such a bad day. you ever try excersizing to take your mind off of things? when i get so anxious that i cant sit still, or depressed i channel my energy into working out. i got the P90x home workout program and i LOVE it for those reasons.

hope you feel better
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:05 AM #4
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

SAM Thank you so very much. Many of the things you say are very true. I have been married to this man for 18 years. So any self worth I did have is gone, way gone. I don't know why I stay. Hope I guess.

I also have 3 kids, and that is a concern, how will I raise them, will the money be enough money. Is it better to live in poverty or better to live in abuse? Apparently I can do either, but the kids, I just don't know. Both are a very harsh reality.

Much like you, if my H is affectionate towards me I stand there stiff as a board. Sire hug me if you need to. I used to back away but I force myself to just just stand there and not retreat now. That is an improvement, I feel like. I don't know where this will go.

I know I have PTSD and the T says it may very well be the kind that is triggered by touch. (much like combat PTSD) It is the most difficult type to deal w/ as a professional.

My H and I are in marriage T. Some days I think it helps other days I think I'm still crazy for staying.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:20 PM #5
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

I don't have advice, I wish I did. But I WILL say that I CAN wholeheartedly relate. I am going through very similar, and in order not to 'hijack' the thread, per se, I won't go into it, but I CAN relate.

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I can tell you that you aren't alone in your feelings...I only hope that you can find a solution...and some peace! (and if you find the magic key, let me know too )

But seriously, I am thinking of you today.
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Old 01-28-2013, 01:15 PM #6
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

Angelwolf, thank you so much for your kind words. It means alot that someone knows and hears me. I am quite lonley in this. Lost and hurt to.

I am sorry you have to know what I am talking about. No one deserves this. But we will do the best w/ what we have huh.
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Old 01-28-2013, 04:06 PM #7
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopefulhuman View Post
hey. sorry to hear you're having such a bad day. you ever try excersizing to take your mind off of things? when i get so anxious that i cant sit still, or depressed i channel my energy into working out. i got the P90x home workout program and i LOVE it for those reasons.

hope you feel better
Don't I wish. Physical decline beyond my control has left me with a torqued spine, legs that don't bend and constant migraines. We all have our burdens I guess. I do use biofeedback. That helps some.

Thanks,
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:34 PM #8
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

I guess the question is, do you want to change this, or at least try to change this? If so, your T can probably recommend books or exercises you do together as a couple - not aerobic exercises, I mean like touching and talkIng exercises. If you don't, then you two have some decisions to make, I guess, eventually.
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:22 PM #9
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

The thoughts of touch is alot to deal w/. I don't know what I want. If he were not emotionally abusive and I thought there were a way we could stay together I would be game. Considering the issues I have, the PTSD and such I don't know if I can undosome of the issues I have.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:16 PM #10
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Default Re: Don't touch me, help me, just don't touch me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=BgFSfZQSoKk

Big momma needs comfort, here I hope this comforts you big momma
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