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Old 01-28-2013, 06:26 PM #1
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Default Please help; she's driving me insane!

I am a 21 year old, bisexual female. I have had strong feelings for my best friend for the past 4 months. I don't know how she feels about me; it's really confusing.

I asked her out twice, and was rejected twice. But I have a strong intuition that she does like me back, but can't admit it to herself because I'm a woman.

Last semester, we saw each other every day, usually for meals. We never ran out of things to talk about. She called me "cute" in a clearly sexual context, twice, and "extraordinarily smart" on another occasion. Her body language also suggested that she was interested.

I haven't seen her in over a month, because I am studying abroad in Europe this semester. Her behavior lately has been nothing short of baffling. She has not initiated any contact with me, and when I reach out to her, she finds excuses to not talk to me. It's almost as if she is avoiding me.

I have two possible explanations for this behavior:

-she doesn't care about me, even as a friend; she just used me last semester to have someone to eat dinner with. She did think about me enough to make me a small stuffed animal over winter break, however. She gave it to her sister to give to me (her sister is studying in the same city as I am this semester).

-she likes me, but can't admit it...so she's avoiding me because she thinks that if she avoids contact with me, she'll get over her confusing feelings for me. However, she is nearly 22. Her family isn't religious. She literally has no reason to not embrace a queer identity if that is who she is.

I'm so confused! I know that I should probably just get over her and find someone who is willing and able to pursue me, but I've never felt this way about anyone before.

So, my questions are:

1. Based on the given information, is it likely that she has feelings for me, but is in denial?

2. What reasons would someone who grew up in a non-religious, tolerant home have for not coming to terms with her sexuality by age 22?

If it helps, she set off my "gaydar" before I even became close friends with her. Also, in the past when I talked about my sexuality, she seemed kind of uncomfortable. I straight out asked her if she liked girls in September; she said that she "wasn't sure".

Thanks!
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:13 PM #2
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Default Re: Please help; she's driving me insane!

It is not just religion. It is still a pretty homophobic society overall, EVEN with all the recent progress. It is still difficult to embrace a minority identity. It is in general difficult to be a member of a marginalized minority, whatever the group identification is - not necessarily sexual orientation. Some people find it more difficult than others.

My purely atheist grandmother considered homosexuality a disease. Thought that Tchaikovsky, probably one of the most famous gays of all times, was ill. So if your friend/passion grew up in that kind of household, completely free of religion but biased and prejudiced and uninformed still, she may have issues with her identity.

From the description you have provided, it can be both. I think. Not enough information to draw a definitive conclusion. I hope the situation improves for you and she becomes positively inclined. She might very well be conflicted and need time to come to terms with her attractions, and find some peace. There is nothing you can do to speed up this process.
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:15 PM #3
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Default Re: Please help; she's driving me insane!

If you can do art, write poetry, or find any medium to express your feelings through, that would help. That is one time-tested remedy for this kind of problem.

And, it is a good problem to have. It might feel heavy, but it shows that you have the ability to be strongly attracted to someone. That, in itself, is a wonderful thing. The hope is that next, you will be able to find the "right" people attractive. That are a good fit for you.
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:17 PM #4
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Default Re: Please help; she's driving me insane!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Secretum View Post
I am a 21 year old, bisexual female. I have had strong feelings for my best friend for the past 4 months. I don't know how she feels about me; it's really confusing.

I asked her out twice, and was rejected twice. But I have a strong intuition that she does like me back, but can't admit it to herself because I'm a woman.

Last semester, we saw each other every day, usually for meals. We never ran out of things to talk about. She called me "cute" in a clearly sexual context, twice, and "extraordinarily smart" on another occasion. Her body language also suggested that she was interested.

I haven't seen her in over a month, because I am studying abroad in Europe this semester. Her behavior lately has been nothing short of baffling. She has not initiated any contact with me, and when I reach out to her, she finds excuses to not talk to me. It's almost as if she is avoiding me.

I have two possible explanations for this behavior:

-she doesn't care about me, even as a friend; she just used me last semester to have someone to eat dinner with. She did think about me enough to make me a small stuffed animal over winter break, however. She gave it to her sister to give to me (her sister is studying in the same city as I am this semester).

-she likes me, but can't admit it...so she's avoiding me because she thinks that if she avoids contact with me, she'll get over her confusing feelings for me. However, she is nearly 22. Her family isn't religious. She literally has no reason to not embrace a queer identity if that is who she is.

I'm so confused! I know that I should probably just get over her and find someone who is willing and able to pursue me, but I've never felt this way about anyone before.

So, my questions are:

1. Based on the given information, is it likely that she has feelings for me, but is in denial?

2. What reasons would someone who grew up in a non-religious, tolerant home have for not coming to terms with her sexuality by age 22?

If it helps, she set off my "gaydar" before I even became close friends with her. Also, in the past when I talked about my sexuality, she seemed kind of uncomfortable. I straight out asked her if she liked girls in September; she said that she "wasn't sure".

Thanks!
As I'm sure you know, sexual orientation can be a very difficult thing to deal with when you have doubts. Unfortunately, our society, who tries to pretend that they are open minded, aren't always. Its hard to find yourself growing up, and if you have added burdens such as doubt as to your sexual orientation, its doubled.

Either one of your scenerios may be the cause, It sounds like you have spent a lot of time thinking about the issue. If she does prefer women, she is going to have to come to that conclusion in her own time and in her own way. Don't try to pressure her to coming to a decision, it may backfire.

Sexuality is very confusing. The fear of being ostrasized, losing those who are important in your life as well as other things can go through someone's mind.
Let her know that you are there. Be her friend, but do your best not to pressure her. Spend time with her as a friend first.

Asking her out before she is sure of herself may just cause discomfort. Try not to take it personally. I know that is asking a lot, but in the end, if she does prefer women, coming to that conclusion on her own will be more convincing to herself than someone else telling her.

For yourself, sooner or later you will have to make a choice yourself. If you are looking for a long term, meaningful relationship, you have to decide which you prefer more. Men or women. Its not something that matters as much if you are just doing some casual dating, but eventually, someone special will come along, and you will be faced with that situation.

Don't give up on this girl. Maybe she is gay, maybe not. Back off a bit and be friends for a while. If you pay careful attention to her body language, who she looks at and who she doesn't, you will get somewhat of an idea which way she is going. Just like any relationship, the people we are attracted to are not always attracted to us. This goes for both straight and gay communities.

For some people, the transition is not as hard, but for some, it can be devestating. A good friend of mine tried to jump off a bridge when he was faced with coming to terms with his homosexuality. Its not a choice, just the way things are. Love is love be it between a man and a woman or people of the same sex. If you write her while you are abroad, leave out anything that could be construde as a sexual advance. Let her come to her own conclusion.

I wish you luck. You deserve to have a good relationship with someone you can count on, feel close to and who loves you back. My messsage box is there if you want to talk. I may be straight, but I think I have a pretty good understanding of the kind of thing you are going through.

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Old 01-29-2013, 04:47 PM #5
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Default Re: Please help; she's driving me insane!

Thanks for your responses. I skyped her tonight (I initiated the contact). She seemed really nervous at the beginning of the beginning of the conversation; she was playing with her hair, being fidgity, etc. That's a good sign, right?

But of course I had to be stupid...the conversation turned to delusions (in a very general sense; we were discussing which delusions were more common in different cultures) and out of nowhere I start telling her about the time I thought my dad had been kidnapped by evil spirits in my basement and replaced by a robot...now she probably thinks I'm psycho.

I think that I'm going to just keep contacting her, maybe once a week, just to talk about random things. Simply talking to her makes me happy. And hopefully I won't be an idiot and start babbling on about being psychotic again...I'm sure that I'm sexier when I'm sane.
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Old 01-30-2013, 12:38 AM #6
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Default Re: Please help; she's driving me insane!

Once a week sounds like the right frequency to me. Not so often as to annoy yet not so infrequently as to lose touch with her.
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