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Idler
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Default Feb 01, 2013 at 01:43 PM
  #1
Even since my earliest fantasies, I’ve been aroused by thoughts of being degraded and abused. Sometimes these fantasies can even get quite violent, and their content is very much related to my childhood. They’re sort of a reenactment of some stuff, and this has always been confusing and upsetting. The result is that I always feel ashamed and a little awkward after sex. I feel this way even if I didn’t act out any of these fantasies with my partner, because I have to go there in my mind to achieve orgasm. I usually lie to my partner and tell her how wonderful it was, when really the I feel pathetic and filled with self-hatred.

Whether in this forum or others, when I read online about people with non-vanilla fantasies, I’ve noticed that it’s common to respond with a “que sera sera” attitude. “If it makes you happy, then why not?” Sometimes this irks me a little bit, because it’s not just a simple issue of “well gee, it makes me feel good, so what’s the big deal?” These fantasies don’t stop when sex is over. They remind me of things I’d rather not think about, and they make me feel as though I enjoyed what happened. They fill me with shame and anger and regret, and they imply that I am utterly and irreparably broken. I wish, with every fiber of my being, that I could enjoy “normal” sex. I wish I didn’t have to think of these things just to reach orgasm.

This is really hard to explain, but I hope someone out there understands. Sorry if I offended anyone with this… Am I the only one that feels this way?
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Default Feb 01, 2013 at 02:11 PM
  #2
NO you are not alone..

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Default Feb 02, 2013 at 03:47 AM
  #3
I have some daddy-daughter fantasies that I wonder about, wonder what they mean about my past relationship with my father. The fantasies may actually have nothing to do with my father, because I am not actually imagining him as a partner; rather, it's a "daddy figure" or sometimes someone in authority, or dominant, but not to the level you generally think of when you think of BDSM. But I do wonder from where they come, what they mean, etc. I used to feel upset by them, but some people at this forum helped me feel more comfortable with the fantasies. I still wonder, but feel better than I did.

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Idler
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Default Feb 02, 2013 at 03:49 PM
  #4
Thanks for the responses... I don't know what I'm looking for; I think just some understanding. I feel a lot of rage over this part of myself, and have for years. I suppose I feel like it's essentially unmasculine on a very basic level. I want others to respect me, and I want to respect myself. This part of me is damaging to my self-esteem, which hasn't always been healthy in the first place...
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Default Feb 03, 2013 at 04:08 PM
  #5
It's a common issue and it's not your fault. In some ways people are made to be this way.

The basic idea is that when a person is treated negatively for long periods of time they become used to that behavior and they expect it. Instead of being attracted to positive reinforcement they become attracted to negative reinforcement. They may end up in bad relationships because it's just what they're used to and they may actually avoid positive ones because they become too unsure of how to handle them. Some people may find themselves being overwhelmed by simple compliments because it's just not what they are used to and they push people away that are positive to them. It's not their fault that they do this - it's just how they have been living for so long.

That doesn't make you a bad person or something. But it does mean that you should start taking steps to try and want better for yourself. At the end of the day all problems in life point to how you see yourself as a person. If you have doubts or major insecurities then you should take steps in getting rid of them so that you can start to enjoy the positive reinforcement that you deserve.

We treat others the way we treat ourselves
and we expect others to treat us the way we treat ourselves.

You have to start treating yourself well and start to forgive yourself for whatever faults you have.

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Default Feb 04, 2013 at 09:52 PM
  #6
I have a similar problem... many of my fantasies involve abuse or rape or the like (often a combination of it all). I have gotten to a point where I can force my body to just enjoy what is going on in the moment, but it's very difficult to do, and takes a lot of effort. Most of the time, I just launch into one of my stories in my head.
A therapist I saw at a trauma program has a blog, and just wrote on this topic the other day... Becoming Superman... I think it's 2 or 3 entries down. It was an interesting take on the topic of sex and abuse and norms...
It's very weird that I am seeing so much on the topic lately when I am struggling myself with questions around all this.
TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE FOLLOWING:
I started self-harming in a way to rid myself of the feeling of violation... it became an addiction, as the result ended up with quite a positive re-enforcer, wiping out the real impact of anything negative that happened as a result... My fantasies have always contained multiple elements of abuse and force, but this took it all to a different, weird, shameful level... I've never actually talked about it in this much detail before, and this is a bit weird to say the least. I'm fascinated that others go through similar struggles, even if it's just the weird fantasies... I have not found anyone in person that even remotely admits to anything like this. While I am sad that more people are going through it, I'm relieved that I am not totally alone... Now I just need to figure out how to talk about it with my new therapist...
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Default Feb 07, 2013 at 09:22 AM
  #7
I am glad I found this thread. You are not alone, Idler.
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