What is wrong with me???

Hi everyone

I am writing cause I want to understand what is wrong with me and if I will ever have a normal life. About 20 years ago wheb I was 18 and after I had moved out of my mothers house, I had gone back to visit to make my father happy. I had gone into my bedroom from when I was a little girl to look for something and I had a funny feeling come over me and I had to leave the room but I could not understand why. That night when I went to bed I woke up crying and in a cold sweat.....I had a dream of something that happened to me in that room when I was about 11 or 12 years old; something that for some reason I had blocked out of my mind. I was in my room laying at the bottom of my bed with no pants or underwear on and my brother was kneeling on the floor at the end of my bed and he was touching me. He made me close my eyes and he would touch me down there using different things(his tongue, his fingers, his penis, a wet cloth etc.)and he made me guess what he was using. I do not have any recollection if it went any farther.....if there was any intercourse or for how long this went on for but I remembered it as if it was yesterday. I had been able to burry the memories again until now when I began having flasbacks again and I do not understand why. I question myself as to if it really even happened, was it my fault, did i deserve it? I have never really told anyone and it has effected me so much that it has pretty much ruinned my life. I am 38 years old and I have never had a boyfriend and I am so ashamed of my body that i have turned to food to destroy my body so that no one would be interested in me. I am so messed up and confused and just want it all to go away but it just will not. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!

I don't have any advice, or anything but wanted to let you know I read your post... (if ok).

I don't know, there is also a PTSD forum one and a Survivors of Abuse forum here on PC, that maybe there could also be some helpful answers you could investigate?

I hope this helps you...(of course I don't post on this forum a lot, so I bet there is someone who can help you here too...! )

Welcome to PC.

I have posted in the survivors of abuse as well. Thanks

Hi there, and welcome to PC.

No...whatever happened is absolutely NOT your fault...not by any means at all. I am assuming your brother was older?

Understand, you're looking back at events that took place when you were 11 (with no true comprehension of sexuality) with the knowledge and understanding of an adult woman. You were unable then to make the full range of rational decisions that you are now. You cannot, whatsoever, be held accountable for what happened. Please, don't let that haunt you.

I hope I was of some help...if you need me, please feel free to PM me. I'm an open ear.

Hugs, and all my best,
Harley

I'll echo what Harley said. Whatever happened was NOT your fault. Try not to blame yourself for it and try not to punish yourself for it.

As for being alone at 38. I'm afraid I don't know the best solution to that as I'm 40 and suffering with the same issue. Most times, I can bear it, but at times it can hit me hard and I feel really down and withdrawn.

I've got a plan to try and join a local hobby group. On someone else's suggestion on another thread, I'm going to look into volunteering for something in the local area. Have a think about something social you may want to do. I'm hoping that getting out will help the feelings of loneliness go away a bit, if Lady Luck is on my side.

Definitely was not your fault. Look up therapy for your eating disorder and for trauma.

Here is the forum on overeating: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=153

It does not have too much traffic, but eventually you will find support there. Eating to become unattractive is not so rare. But you need to stop doing it sooner rather than later.

Yes Harley....my brother was 7 years older than me. I say was cause I have not seen/spoken to him in about 15 years, and as far as I am concerned he is dead to me. I know deep down in my heart that whatever happened is not my fault, but I cannot help but feel shame and hatred towards my self.

Hugs
1970sbaby

have you started looking for t for yourself?

I start Feb 21 but am scared as hell

Scaredof what? Of the T as an authority figure? T is your hired advisor, not an authority figure. Of what will come out during sessions? That would be painful, but ultimately beneficial. So fear not.

I must say I agree with everyone else. I was rapped when i was 18 by a very close friend and it took me years to actually come to realize that it was rape cause my brain denied it going on.
but no having something like that go on to you was very much not your fault. I am kind of an odd duck in that how I gained back my mental control of being rapped was to get into the BDSM culture. Granted in that in environment things can go badly easily if you are not careful and know everything you are getting into but for me it has helped me a lot.

its not the answer for everyone but everyone has their own way of helping themselves in their lives.