Why can I never return the feelings?

LiteraryLark · Feb 15, 2013 at 01:28 AM

Why can I only fall in love if I am absolutely positively sure that he can never return the feelings?

All of my major obsessions/crushes have been about guys I knew could never return feelings. My current obsession is a coworker who has a girlfriend and never notices me. My previous obsessions include a man who lived in Russia who was obviously too far away and a gay male in high school I used to be best friends with.

I am afraid of guys who show affection for me. Any type of major flirting or complimenting or asking to kiss puts me off. I feel like I am not ready to accept that type of behavior even though I am twenty years old because I feel obligated to return the feelings when I clearly don't. I also have fantasies I feel can only be carried out by certain people, and the people who are available don't seem to be a good fit for my fantasies.

Valentine's Day has got me wondering that I am way too pretty to be single, but I find no attraction to anyone that is too available and shows affection way too soon. I don't get why I am like this.

Feb 15, 2013 at 01:51 AM

hi, it sounds a bit like you have self esteem problems. i think you might want to see what your personal emotional needs are and focus on them before focussing on having a relationship. 20 is very young to worry about these things. you are still evolving and ao are your needs. i would try to be friends with a potential bf first and get comfortable around him. you dont need to pressure yourself to 'mature' or change yourselfto fulfil the needs of your next boyfriend. a healthy relationship in my view is one where you are yorself and where giving back to your partner feels natural. if you have a t it might be worth exploring what your needs are in a relationship, in order to figure out who can give you that. dont worry too much about the rest now. i am sure that once you find someone who is right for you, youre going to be able to return feelings. hugs

hamster-bamster · Feb 15, 2013 at 01:59 AM

You do not know what kind of fantasies the available guys are willing to carry out. People do not advertize fantasies much. Give those available folks the benefit of the doubt!

Feb 15, 2013 at 02:19 AM

that is true

) and besides, you want more than living out those fantazies.. look past that and determine what things are important for you. there may or may not be a perfect guy who shares your fantasies and opinions but there are certainly guys out there who are openminded and who value and respect the person that you are.

Harley47 · Feb 15, 2013 at 05:18 PM

Doc, bless your heart.

I am sorry.

Don't feel obligated to return feelings that you don't have, but at the same time, don't be afraid of people who seem interested in you.

Why is it, you think, that you're put off by that? Doc has a lot going for Doc...surely someone's going to pick up on that and drop you a compliment.

Don't be afraid of, at the very least, getting to know them. Taking a compliment or causally pursuing an interest isn't an obligation or commitment or anything like that (though that is certainly the pot calling the kettle black...lol I do the same

).

lol And don't discount people and your fantasies based solely off a cursory meeting.

You may very well be surprised...not everyone who harbors the same fantasies you do is as open about it as you are.

It might just take a bit of detective work on your part.

Stay strong Doc, and good for you on that first part of your last line.

Hugs,
Harley

hamster-bamster · Feb 15, 2013 at 05:22 PM

I am sure I have the most impoverished sexual fantasy life on this whole forum. But I look OK! My eyes, cheeks, and lips are where they are supposed to be. You cannot tell by looking at me that I have an impoverished sexual fantasy life. Likewise, somebody can have a very rich sexual fantasy life, EXACTLY to your liking, but you cannot tell by looking at them or having cursory conversations.

JLarissaDragon · Feb 15, 2013 at 05:55 PM

We females are very complex. I find that sometimes my emotions betray me and things that I attribute to my husband are my imagination rather than reality. It sounds like maybe you are struggling with self esteem issues. We do not have to be stunningly gorgeous to attract the sexual desires of a man. On the other hand if you feel like you do not deserve it or inadequate, sometimes it is possible to transmit such vibes unconsciously. At age 20 I would not be too concerned yet. Just be open and interested in the men you meet. As women I think that we have an intense desire to feel love. Sex is wonderful, pleasurable, and an intense experience, but to have sex with someone with out loving him, for me is repulsive.

hamster-bamster · Mar 02, 2013 at 11:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

Why can I only fall in love if I am absolutely positively sure that he can never return the feelings?

If you look at the non-romantic side of your life, can you see a similar pattern of seeking challenges rather than doing things the easy way?

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hamster-bamster Account Suspended Member Since Sep 2011 Location: Northern California Posts: 14,805 (SuperPoster!) 12 3,729 hugs given	Feb 15, 2013 at 01:59 AM #3 You do not know what kind of fantasies the available guys are willing to carry out. People do not advertize fantasies much. Give those available folks the benefit of the doubt!
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Anonymous33170 Guest Posts: n/a	Feb 15, 2013 at 02:19 AM #4 that is true ) and besides, you want more than living out those fantazies.. look past that and determine what things are important for you. there may or may not be a perfect guy who shares your fantasies and opinions but there are certainly guys out there who are openminded and who value and respect the person that you are.
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