Question about Dominance and Submission

Okay I have a question about dominance and submission. First I will say I am trying to understand what makes this enjoyable. I am not into it, but I am trying to understand for a friend who is into it and is asking my opinion.

So apparently she likes being spanked, but apparently her husband won't spank her. I am wondering what would make a person want to spank someone (and maybe this my view of spanking as a negative thing and full of anger and hatred) that they love and care about.

I just want to understand because I want to help her explain why she wants it and what he might get out of it.

On a more general note beyond spanking, I would like to see a movie about BDSM. Not porn, but a documentary. If anyone knows of such a movie, please post a reference.

Many psychologists assert that it has to do with a combination of trust and control. Doms typically desire a sense of control in the bedroom. They become aroused by the idea of being in control. And they feel a sense of love and appreciation by the the fact that their partner trusts them fully. Keep in mind that I said "sense of control" as opposed to "control". In most healthy BDSM relationships, the sub holds most of the control. And BDSM doesn't involve real pain or anything that's non-consensual; it's merely theatrics. Subs, conversely, gain pleasure by relinquishing control. In a world where one is constantly trying to control their life, their job, their bodies, their thoughts, giving up control for a moment can be quite relaxing. And they feel a sense of love by the knowledge that they can trust their partner fully.

But, from personal experience, BDSM is enjoyable because normal sex gets boring after a while. Gotta spice it up a bit on occasion...

Personally, I'm not fully into D/S, but I consider myself the Dominant one because I have to be in control 100% of the time. I feel vulnerable if I am not in control.

Spanking is erotic and couples don't necessarily do it out of power control, but simply because the pain is stimulating and sexual. Some people do it as a punishment, but it's not to make you feel guilty, it's to please your partner and make them feel like a bad girl/boy in a good way.

I own a paddle and a riding crop and even using it on myself is found to be erotic, even though I doubt I can handle being spanked by someone else. I bought them to be used on a partner because there's a certain part of me that gets turned on to see someone moaning in pain and begging for me.

Michael D. said it perfectly.

That's my two cents.

I agree Michael D. Me and my wife do this on occasion. She enjoys to submit. For me I like the feeling that she trust me enough for that. The sense of control is also arousing, but only from it being consensual. It like to fully give yourself to someone and to fully accept someone. For her to be tied up or overpowered and wanting me to do that. The struggle is also arousing, but it's like theatrics. It's hard to explain, but once you know your partner you get a sense of what they want by their reactions. Even when there is a staged struggle you still get indications of what the person that submits wants. You are in control, but there person that submits is leading in a way. They are the focus and are the ones who are getting attention so to speak. For us sometimes it is the excitement of me pinning her down, and other it is the vulnerability of being tied up or contained.

Rope play is also interesting. In a way it is like an art. To tie someone up safely not to cause any circulation problems, nerve damage, or unintended discomfort. To constrain the motions of your partner, and then to tease is enjoyable for us. When we do bondage it is usually slow, and sensual like. A lot of touching and teasing.

The last part is the sadism and masochism part. Some people enjoy a little bit of pain. I don't really enjoy inflicting it that much, but I get a sense of pleasure from her pleasure. There is also a thrill to pushing your partners limits. This isn't really anger involved. We both talked and I know what she wants to happen as far as pain, spanking, slapping, chocking etc. I think the important part of this, is she wants this to happen. It wouldn't be very good, if were having this kind of sex and I just punched her in the face. She wouldn't enjoy that. The pain is intended to cause pleasure and excitement, and not meant out of anger. She likes to be spanked, sometimes really hard. Not to the point of bleeding, but to the point it is painful to sit down the next day. Some people just plain don't like pain and can't understand the pleasure in it. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, it some people don't get it and this stuff is not for them.

This is just something to keep things exciting. Sex gets boring if you don't explore in my opinion. After having sex 500+ times with someone you have to find new areas to explore so it doesn't feel mechanical. At least that is my experience. People are different and to each their own. I enjoy going deeper into sexuality and other people enjoy to have different partners/experiences. To each their own.

For me it's the adrenaline rush. The look on his face when I know I'm in " trouble ", the pounding heart, if im feeling especially cheeky I'll stick my tongue out or wiggle my bum at him! Then it's a chase. Me running and him always catching me. The struggle to hold me down. A sub needs rules and limits set for him/her and knows there will be consequences for not obeying them. If there are no consequences then how can they feel the control they long for? Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting behavior rather than for pleasure is proof of submission to you. It makes your control of the sub very real. It's not just as a punishment, it can all be for pleasure or part of a scene. There's just a rush of adrenaline, I always squeal. A very important part is trust trust trust. And that its FUN. It's not really a punishment as you'd know it. It's all part of the fun with a D/s relationship. I do it because I enjoy it!!

Best movie reference I have for a BDSM related movie that isn't a documentary is the movie The Secretary, it has Maggie Gyllenhaal in it, and is a bit strange and quirky but I think it is really sweet.

As someone who is a submissive and very much in a happy healthy relationship with my Dominant aka my boyfriend, I enjoy spanking. I don't see it has hateful or violent, it is an expression of his control over me, of me showing my trust that he won't actually hurt me. For some people it is about the pain, the scientific explination for that is when we endure pain it releases endorphins the feel good chemical in the brain, so with pain comes of rush of euphoric emotion.

It all varies from individual to individual, I am not really big.into pain, spanking, slapping, anything in those lines I enjoy because of the act of dominance that goes with it, the sense of release of control.to another person that I love and trust and I know will keep me safe. For some people it is about the pain, for some it is both, and for others it is something completely different. The best thing you can do is ask your friend why she likes it, what does.it do for her on an emotional level?

I know when a lot.of people talk about D/s the thought of control seems really odd, but if you were to talk to me or my boyfriend you would.find our relationship is pretty non kink, not every waking momwnt of my day is spent waiting for him to give me an order. I work, I go to college, I spend.time with friends, I visit family I do make decisions for myself. We also hold hands, have silly pet names for each other, celebrate our anniversary, surprise each other with little gifts, etc. The only differnece besides the sexual stuff is we have agreeded together that he gets final say in decisions, he listens to my opinion and makes a decision from there, he is in charge of the finances, he keeps me on track with school and guides me along.

Dominance and submission is different for every person in the BDSM community, just like every "vanilla" (non BDSM) relationship is different.

It's sort of difficult if you are the "submissive" type and you are not with someone who likes to be the "dominant" sort. You would likely have an easier time getting someone to begin enjoy being spanked than getting them to enjoy spanking someone if they aren't into that.

As a sub it's important to submit for reasons other than gaining pleasure. If you're just doing it for your personal pleasure then you're not really being submissive, and it's more of a personal fetish than a lifestyle choice. You should be ready to lose yourself in service to your partner and to test the lengths you will go to in pleasing her. Let her take complete control of you and trust that she will not abuse the power you hand over.

I sometimes have brief, fleeting fantasies in the middle of doing something (not masturbating, no, but say working or driving). In those fantasies, either my legs are tied at the ankles or my arms are tied behind me at the wrists. Tied with a broad black satin ribbon, very very loosely. With a bow.

Is that how BDSM begins?

For me it started by my wife telling me to pin her hands down. I think from there it escalated into ropes and other stuff.

Well, pinning hands down and being loosely tied are similar.

Ok, I have a few answers, but they're from what I've read, watched and heard over many years, not from personal experience. I don't consider myself "into" BDSM, but you might think I am, since I can get into a little spanking and bondage, some mild playing. But I'm not into pain...it's about being "conquered." This is something I have read in many romance novels (especially those back in the 80's and earlier), so romance novels are my "porn." I like erotica, but I seem to get more aroused by historical and other types of romance novels that don't use modern terms and directness.

Anyway, back to BDSM (sorry for wandering off)...from what I've gathered, different people like different things. One person might like to be called names, whipped, beaten, the whole shbang. Others might prefer something like 50 Shades of Grey, since I think that's where a lot of women first "discovered" BDSM, but in truth, that book was not very realistic, according to many in the BDSM "scene". (I hated the book, not for the content, but for the atrocious writing.)

May I recommend a book? Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns - http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Se...dp/0964596008/. I think you'll find some good information in it.

Well for some yes, for others no, and there are lots of people who like light bondage but don't consider themselves into BDSM at all, which is perfectly fine, me and my boyfriend have non kink sex on occasion but we definitely wouldn't call ourselves vanilla

For me the focus is on D/s dynamic, I always knew in a relationship I wanted someone that would be a protector, a teacher, a guide, someone who would take charge. I had read some erotica BDSM stories but I never fully understood what I wanted, because I didn't understand thr what the name for it was, I met my boyfriend on a dating website and he was very open and honest about that a D/s dynamic.is what he needed in a relationship and I was curious and really was smitten with him from our yahoo chats already so I began asking questions about what it meant and I discovered it was.what i had been looking for.

Playing around with bondage and pain came later and I found out I enjoyed those things too, as well as many other things.

BDSM is a wide range of things, and everyone is different there are lots of people into bondage but not D/s, there are people into D/s that never do pain or bondage. And there are lots of people that like to play around with BDSM elements with their partners on occasion. ,but don't consider themselves a part of BDSM.

You can always PM me if you have questions, sometimes I am a little slow to respond because of my hectic schedule but I will always get back to you

Thanks Typo and Maven for good info.

Thanks Maven for the book reviews too. I trust your critical opinion and will not read atrrocious writing. I care. About style ahead of content. Will order what you recommend.

For me it has started with my partner allowing me to suckle on her. Then she holds me and pats me on the head and tells me i'm a good boy and i am doing well.

This is something I have dabbled in, but was left hurt mentally, maybe it was the wrong guy, or maybe it just isn't what I need despite what I think/feel...

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
Jodi Picoult- My Sisters Keeper