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Question Feb 24, 2013 at 04:12 PM
  #1
I don't know much about the topic, but what I have read both terrifies and excites me... the only thing is, I would likely be using it to re-play abuse and follow-through on those fantasies that play out in my head... I know that's not the "right" reason to engage in it, but it is exciting as much as terrifying... is this common among the community? Just trying to get a grasp on this... I have never heard of the things that go on in my head actually going on in rl with actual people that are not out to hurt you in that way... it intrigues me that I'm just now finding out about it... and I'm trying to figure out what exactly my motivations for it would be... does anyone know where I can get more info on it?
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Default Feb 24, 2013 at 06:09 PM
  #2
Fetlife.com is the best site for resources. It is a social networking site like Facebook, and they have many groups and threads revolving around BDSM for newbies and experienced users alike.

Look for the "Novices and Newbies" group and they have thread after thread covering everything you are curious about.

It's actually quite common to have abuse fantasies. Most people have thought about it every once in a while, some more than others. It does not necessarily mean you will act it out IRL or in your sex life, but it's normal to feel that way. Perhaps you are seeking a sense of power that you don't have IRL, or the opposite, you are seeking submission because you have too much power.

I really recommend trying out the site if you have a serious interest in BDSM.
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Default Feb 25, 2013 at 06:47 AM
  #3
Just went to peek, and it takes a sign-up. Don't think I'm ready for that. Thanks tho.
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Default Feb 25, 2013 at 10:18 AM
  #4
I find it exciting. Me and my wife have done some bdsm stuff and it spices things up, but you have to be able to trust the person you are doing it with. You are really vulnerable especially when tied up and thing like that. You have to be able to know it can stop anytime by saying a safe word or to have thing slow down if they start getting intense.

I was never sexually abused so I don't know what it is like to relive past trauma. My wife used to be with a bad boyfriend who used to abuse her. He would make her have sex even if she didn't want to. She never went into details but being raped by a boyfriend sounds like it would be pretty traumitizing. Maybe for her reliving that with someone that won't hurt her puts her peace with what happened. Knowing it can stop when she wants it to. I don't know. We don't do bdsm everytime but we have done it on several occasions. Sometime weincorporate certain elements. Anymore she isn't into pain besides some spanking. Pain releases andorphins from what I am told and makes things feel better. I think finding someone you really trust is key. If someone where to tie you up and do thing you didn't want to happen I bet it would feel really bad coupled with guilt and feelings like you deserved for it to happen because you put yourself in that position. I think talking before hand with your partner about all the thing you want and thing you don't want to happen is essential. You have to have limits set in my opinion.

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Default Feb 26, 2013 at 12:13 AM
  #5
I never renacted abuse through BDSM, to me it has allowed me to be free to embrace my sexuality and feel safe about it. I freeze more when me and my boyfriend have non-kink sex. To me BDSM, particularly being a submissive to a Dominant has given me more freedom to embrace my sexuality, because I know I am safe, I know I am in a dynamic that someone is there protecting me and we have safe guards in place to stop things if I get to scared, triggered, or anxious

Yes there are people that do explore BDSM as a means to heal from sexual abuse, everyone heals a different way, but please if you decide this is the right way for you to heal be SAFE! Use your good judgement and honesty honesty honesty is the most important key in any relationship or sexual exchange, but particularly in BDSM. There are lots of great, helpful, honest and kind people in the BDSM community, but just like in every facet of life there are also those there looking to prey on others. If something sounds wrong, it probably is, if you feel red flags, listen to them!

There are many websites avaliable to you in exploring BDSM, Fetlife is a great one and I recently discovered a forum called BDSM Sanctuary, it uses the same forum set up as this, it takes a bit to start moving around on there (they have to accept your account request before you can post and that takes up to a day) but it is a bit tamer than Fetlife so it may be easier for you to explore. Both sites are free to join, also Fetlife is kinda of like facebook but with much more privacy, you have to be signed up to the site to see proflies, pictures, posts, forums, anything and you can always set all pictures to private, most people on there use avatars like here on psychcentral. Though many people also post more adult pictures so if you feel that is too much to soon then I would wait.

If you ever have anymore questions please feel free to message me anytime,
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Default Feb 26, 2013 at 02:33 AM
  #6
i have joined up at BDSM Sanctuary, this is something I want to explore despite a bad experience..

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Default Feb 27, 2013 at 04:15 PM
  #7
What do you guys think any advice?
i am a sadomas. I am also a sex addict.. i cannot fight certain urges to want to sleep with bosses,high school teachers,people with authority.
and abuse them or use them for sexual reasons or needs. I have torn families apart due to my behaviors but i don't feel bad about it even if i know it's wrong i have a hard time being in a Normal relationship that has no BDSM involvment. I have no
Sexual preference i like to abuse or be abused by both sexs.
i tried controlling my urges but i find myself in bed with my old high school teacher at the end of the week.. it irks me. how do i control my urges and how do i manage my sex life. should i even try to be in a relationship?
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Default Feb 28, 2013 at 10:01 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by 50 shades of kink View Post
What do you guys think any advice?
i am a sadomas. I am also a sex addict.. i cannot fight certain urges to want to sleep with bosses,high school teachers,people with authority.
and abuse them or use them for sexual reasons or needs. I have torn families apart due to my behaviors but i don't feel bad about it even if i know it's wrong i have a hard time being in a Normal relationship that has no BDSM involvment. I have no
Sexual preference i like to abuse or be abused by both sexs.
i tried controlling my urges but i find myself in bed with my old high school teacher at the end of the week.. it irks me. how do i control my urges and how do i manage my sex life. should i even try to be in a relationship?
First off it is always the best and most polite thing to start your own thread and not post the topic.for a thread in someone else's already exisiting thread

Secondly, there is a difference between "abuse" and consensual play, anything you do with any partner should be fully discussed and agreed on by both parties invloved if you are doing something to someone agains their will then there is a whole seperate issue going on anf you need to stop. If someone is doing something to you against your will there is also a whole seperate issue going on and you need to keep yourself safe.

Thirdly you need to find a counselor that handles sexual addiction and start working with them to get to the root of why you are doing these very self destructive and risky things. If you have sexual addiction you need to work towards a recovery program, there is also a sexual addiction support forum here on psychcentral under the addictions section.of the main forum
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Default Feb 28, 2013 at 11:16 AM
  #9
I just keep going back and forth on whether or not this is something for me. When I know for sure it is consensual, I am ok with thinking about it, but when it crosses the line to abuse or rape, I get skeeved out... and in my head sometimes I can't differentiate... think I need to try to work on this in therapy, but not with this therapist, or at least not yet.
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Default Feb 28, 2013 at 12:39 PM
  #10
I would work on your past abuse and come to terms with anything that has happened before you engange in something that could give you reminders of what happened. Being tied up and out of control is a very scary feeling. It is only made better by a partner you can trust not to hurt you. Getting with someone who doesn't care if he hurts you (physically or psychologically) will bring bad things. BDSM is about the pain you like and not about being hurt for someone's pleasure imo.

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Default Feb 28, 2013 at 01:29 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by adam_k View Post
I would work on your past abuse and come to terms with anything that has happened before you engange in something that could give you reminders of what happened. Being tied up and out of control is a very scary feeling. It is only made better by a partner you can trust not to hurt you. Getting with someone who doesn't care if he hurts you (physically or psychologically) will bring bad things. BDSM is about the pain you like and not about being hurt for someone's pleasure imo.
Very well said and I echo Adam_k says

I have had things, especially at first that set me off. But I was with my boyfriend who stopped and comforted me because he could tell I was.in distress and had shut off.
Trust and open honest communication is important in anything, but especially in BDSM. If you aren't communicating or being honest with who your partner is then they can't do everything to make sure your best intrest is in mind.

It is hard to move past sexual abuse as adults so we can have happy healthy sex lives howeever we choose to pursue them. It can be done, I know I have done it, the times where i freeze up or shut down are far and few between now a days.
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