Sex, intimacy, and one-sided compromise in my marriage.

Hi.

Basically, my wife and I have very different feelings on sex and intimacy. She really likes physical contact (hugging, cuddling, basically that) with people in general, and she feels like sex is basically a good thing, but doesn't attach any special feeling to it that makes monogamy important to her, and has fantasies involving other people (not specific other people, just involving other people in our sex life).

By contrast, there's me. Intellectually I agree with her, to an extent. I feel like the widespread use of birth-control and protective devices makes it perfectly okay for people to have all the sex they want that is only about sex, and by extension, that the major push behind monogamous relationships is getting outdated (not that they're bad, just that they may be needlessly restrictive). However, on an emotional level, I very much don't feel that way. I feel like it's stupid of me, but the thought of her doing anything more than hugging any of her friends makes me jealous and upset. Thinking about her sexual past upsets me more often than not (I don't spend much time thinking about it, but the subject came up recently). And, while I find fantasies of involving other people in our sex life appealing sometimes, the prospect of anyone else actually having sex with her now I find very, very upsetting. Like, I push down my upset at the idea of her having had sex with other people (because that's life, and there's no avoiding it after the fact), but if she had sex with someone else now, even if I'd okayed it, I don't think I'd be able to sleep in the same bed with her for quite a while.

I'm also a little disappointed that she doesn't feel like it's at all special. Because I really do.

She's known how I feel about these things (in her words, that I'm prudish about it) for a long time, since before we got married, and she's said that she's willing to default to my feelings on the issues because that's what's required to be in a relationship with me, and she says she doesn't really mind being monogamous, even if it's not her natural inclination. She's even defaulted to my feelings on non-sexual touching, even though that is fairly important to her, because it's more important to her not to cause me the upset that it does (and have to deal with me being upset). She does feel like she does most or all of the compromising in our relationship, but agrees that it seems necessary, because neither of us can find any real compromise that wouldn't be very upsetting to me.

The thing is, I agree that it's really unfair. I hate that she has to give up her positions on things, when I'm not giving up anything to meet her in the middle of make up for it at all. Additionally, I wonder how long she can really be happy with me while acting in a way that isn't really natural to her. But I experience really intense emotions in general, and I feel very strongly about these things, even though my feelings on them aren't in line with my intellectual thoughts on the subject. I really don't think I would be able to be with her if we adopted her feelings as the standard.

Note that I don't have much suspicion that she would cheat on me in order to have other people in her sex life. She holds the idea of being faithful to me as way too important for that. I just feel like it's wrong for me to need her to bend to my feelings when I can't bend to hers.

Sometimes, I wonder if the only real solution is to just make myself feel the way that she does. Break down the parts of me that disagree with those feelings, replace them with feelings I think are more acceptable. Only, 1. I've done something like that before, trying to directly mold my feelings, and...basically, that didn't end well. And, 2. I'm scared that, if I was successful, I would become a huge jerk, stop loving my wife, stop caring about my family, something like that.

So, what do you guys think?
(Sorry it came out so long).

I think it's great that you are concerned about fairness in your relationship and that you don't want your wife to make all of the sacrifices.

On the other hand, though, I think it is generally a terrible idea to compromise one's core beliefs to appease someone else. That can do nothing good for your integrity or your self worth. Thus, I think you've done the right thing, sticking to your principles.

Your wife, from what you've written, doesn't seem to mind accommodating your feelings, either.

I think one area that you might allow your wife some room is the non-sexual touching part. There are lots of people, men and women, who are just more "touchy-feely" than others. Have you examined your feelings about this, fully? What are your thoughts on the non-sexual touching in relation to your feelings? Do you feel jealous, or threatened, or afraid that she'll cheat, or afraid that her affections will go elsewhere, etc?

Hi This1. Welcome to PC.

LovelaceF brought up a great point...it's generally a bad idea to compromise core beliefs like that, but it is a good thing that you're concerned about fairness for her. That says a a lot about you. I would cut her a bit of slack with hugging though, but otherwise I follow your rationale.

I do think though you may be looking at incorrectly. I'm not trying to make any sort of judgment call in the matter, but I think your separation of logic and emotion regarding multiple partners isn't, perhaps, the right way to go about it. I would argue, even if the argument is off my gut instinct rather than figures, that the major logical push for monogamy is rooted within the emotional side of it. The way you feel about it is reason enough for the idea to be scrapped, I would think. So I don't think your feelings are unfair or archaic or what-have-you. They're pretty natural.

I would tell you as long as she values that loyalty to you as she does, you've nothing to worry about. Fantasies are just that: fantasies. Heck...lol I would think you two, if you were so inclined, could maybe explore it without the involvement of other people. Be creative.

Anyway, I hope I was of some help, and I hope you'll be able to find some peace in your time here.

Hugs,
Harley

Special feelings and monogamy are not necessarily related. You can make two people feel very special in your life, and three, and probably more. At the same time people can and do have mechanistic monogamous sex without feeling.

So, either no relationship between the two or an attenuated relationship.

Just wanted to point it out since you engaged in a highly intellectual analysis, so you probably do care about the correctness of your train of thought.

First off, thank you all for your responses. I still feel really pretty awful, but I feel better than I did yesterday, and that was better than the day before, so, things are looking good. And reading what you've written definitely helped with that some.

First, one thing that may be useful in understanding my thoughts: The original reason I came to this site is because, over the last few years, I have come to think that there is a pretty compelling case for the idea that I have borderline personality disorder. After going over it this most recent time, and then talking about it to my wife, I no longer have more than a vestige of doubt. So, if you know anything about that, maybe it will provide insight? *shrug*

LovelaceF: Regarding your question, about jealousy, feeling threatened, worrying she'll cheat, and worrying about losing her affection: I did have a big, fairly in-depth response I was typing up, but I kept finding flaws and inaccuracies in my statements, and finding myself getting more and more upset, reliving things I've relived enough recently. So, I saved that away somewhere, and instead, here's a short version.

Yes, the concept of non-sexual touching makes me feel jealous, and threatened, and I do worry about losing her. I even worry about her cheating on me. Not because I think she would ever choose to under ordinary circumstances, but because accidents happen, and I think they're more likely to happen when you are already filled with high, positive emotions and pressed against someone(s) else. Add in a drink or two, and maybe one of the friends has an agenda... yeah, it makes me really nervous. I'd worry about my own actions in that situation, and I feel like I'm a lot more experienced with exercising restraint than my wife (probably to a fault, I'll concede).

There are a lot of reasons for my feelings, but I guess I really don't want to go into them right now, largely because it's pretty complex, and I don't seem to know where to stop or start, or what to put in the middle, if you understand. But yeah, to put it simply, I have thought about it quite a bit.

Harley47 (and really everyone else): Just to clarify, I don't have a problem with her hugging other people. At all. Well, okay, there is one person, but just seeing that person would set me off, so...and even then, I would mostly just require extra affection and reassurance for a while after. In general, though, no problem. My problem is with cuddling, or similar levels of contact. You know, like, extended full body hugging (but with clothes, and avoiding sexual areas). Does that help clarify?

Also, the fantasies don't really bother me, in of themselves. Like I said, I even have them. They can be fun, when I'm not feeling as emotionally vulnerable as I have the last few weeks, and she would never, ever push them on me when I didn't feel comfortable with them.

Hamster-bamster: I agree. What I meant was that she doesn't attach specific special feelings to sex that make her only want to have it with one person. And what I really mean by that, is that she doesn't attach the same suite of feelings to sex that make me want to have it occur exclusively within our monogamous relationship.

On that note, it occurred to me earlier today that we often communicate things in different ways, and I often misunderstand her as a result, because she doesn't have the same obsession with explicitly stating everything that I feel like I do. So, I realized that, when she said she didn't think of sex as something special, just something that is fun and feels good, there was a good chance that what she meant was that she didn't think it was necessarily a special thing, as in, all the time (a feeling that I think I share to an extent). I talked to her about it, and she verified that, yes, that's more or less what she meant, and that she does in fact see sex in our relationship as a special, meaningful thing, because she loves me. Made me feel warm and fuzzy, and eased one of my recent concerns.

Oh, one more thing.
Harley47: I really appreciated the bit about how you think monogamy is likely rooted within the emotional side of things. I've had that thought before, but like a lot of my thoughts, I can't really tell if I'm just trying to justify myself, or if there's any validity to it. It was nice hearing it come from someone else. Thanks.

Thanks again. Like I said, I think things are going better, though right now I still feel like a huge, boring, closed-minded jerk, and I'm really nervous because this weekend we are going to be seeing some people she has had a relationship of sorts with before. But we've talked about it, and established boundaries, and I know it's going to be okay.