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Old 08-02-2013, 01:27 PM #11
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

The idea is that anorexia is an exercise of control on a subconscious level more so than on a conscious level. Of course, such ideas suffer from being hard to test.
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Old 08-02-2013, 01:36 PM #12
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Thank you for taking the trouble to try and understand. That's a trait one rarely sees.

Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing View Post
I'm afraid I don't fully understand, but I want to. What I gathered from what you are saying is that you physically want to have sex but you do not allow yourself to participate in sexual activity.
Spot on. I do have a sex drive and sexual impulses. However, beyond a purely biological level, I don't want anything to do with anything sexual.

Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing View Post
For me, I'm scared of sex. I have no issue with masturbation, but the idea of being physically close with someone else scares me. I'm afraid to get undressed and I'm afraid of a man touching me. I really want to get over that fear because I do want to have sex, but right now I am scared of it. I read online that sexual anorexia is suppressing your sex drive to gain a sense of control and is often a result of the fear of intimacy that I expressed. Is it like a fear of intimacy that you justified by saying that you don't need sex? Do you feel the same way about masturbation? Do you feel like having sex is a sign of a lack of self control? Do you have any idea what is making you feel so shameful about this?
I'm sorry to hear about your own troubles with sex. I sincerely hope you find a resolution.
I won't deny that when I'm on one of my "good streaks" (no pornography, very little masturbation) as I am now, I do feel a very gratifying sense of self-control. However, I wouldn't exactly say I feel the way I do over a fear of intimacy. It's just that my concept of physical intimacy doesn't involve sex in any way, shape, or form. I cannot see sex as a means of expressing affection, quite the opposite in fact.

That might just be what's hitting me the hardest actually. A deep part of me desperately wants someone to be close to. I just want so... little. Does that make sense? All I could ever ask for is a hand to hold, a strong hug, or a kiss.
To me, sex is one of the single most unloving things imaginable. The thought of having sex is horrible enough on it's own, but the thought of having sex with some I might like, maybe even love?
That's unbearable.


Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing View Post
Regardless, I hope you are seeing someone about this because sex is a natural, healthy part of of life and even if you never have sex, you can't will away your sex drive. That will always be a part of you and I hope you can make peace with it.
Thank you very much for your concern. It helps, really it does.
I've have had a couple of ongoing visits with a new Therapist and am in the process of doing just what you said: make peace with this.
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Old 08-02-2013, 03:44 PM #13
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

I think Secretum was right in her advice - try to seek an asexual for a partner. You will get strong hugs but no sex (I assume). There is a site for asexuals that somebody posted on here a few months ago. Try searching the forum
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Old 08-02-2013, 03:46 PM #14
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Found the thread:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexua...sexuality.html
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Old 08-02-2013, 05:33 PM #15
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
I think Secretum was right in her advice - try to seek an asexual for a partner. You will get strong hugs but no sex (I assume). There is a site for asexuals that somebody posted on here a few months ago. Try searching the forum
Thank you.

If I was the kind to try an start a relationship online, I'd be using that info as we speak.
Thing is that I'm something of an introvert. That is, I'm more comfortable with letting a relationship happen with someone I know in the real world that I am with trying to make something happen online.

My current Therapy has helped me greatly in this regard. I'm to the point now where I'm not afraid of potential romances anymore. So if one comes my way, I think I've gotten the confidence and self-assurance I need to trust someone else to at least try to understand why it is that I just can't have sex be part of a relationship.
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Old 08-02-2013, 10:18 PM #16
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Quote:
Originally Posted by AppalachianAxis View Post
Thank you.

If I was the kind to try an start a relationship online, I'd be using that info as we speak.
Thing is that I'm something of an introvert. That is, I'm more comfortable with letting a relationship happen with someone I know in the real world that I am with trying to make something happen online.

My current Therapy has helped me greatly in this regard. I'm to the point now where I'm not afraid of potential romances anymore. So if one comes my way, I think I've gotten the confidence and self-assurance I need to trust someone else to at least try to understand why it is that I just can't have sex be part of a relationship.
asexuality is rare. When you are somehow in need of a "niche" kind of partner (asexuality is a "niche", right?), then those online tools of connecting people who are somewhat unusual might be helpful. Otherwise, of course, a relationship that unfolds naturally beats an intentional attempt to strike a connection online. Also, if you seek friends (let us call them friends for now) using the site, there would be the common knowledge - implicitly - that you cannot have sex as part of a relationship. In the real world, you might have to explain it to a partner. The online communities deal with the explaining part.

Maybe rehearse with the T how you would try to explain to a prospective candidate for a R/S that you would not be sexually active as part of a R/S? You know - have the T sit opposite you and pretend he/she is your prospective friend.
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Old 08-04-2013, 09:41 PM #17
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Life is suffering.
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Old 08-05-2013, 02:47 AM #18
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

I understand what you mean, AppalachianAxis... I'm an asexual (the official definition being someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, not someone with no desire for sex, asexuals can still be sexually active) but I do have a libido; I find it aggravating to have something yelling at me I've no actual need for. (To clarify my position here, in essence, it is like food (if we borrow the current comparisons at hand!) where libido is like being hungry, a general feeling that says "you need to eat", but sexual attraction is like craving a particular food, or seeing a slice of cake and wanting it.)

So although I'm not in the same position as you of denying certain acts, because I have no desire to go and have sex with somebody so on that part it takes no effort at all, I can associate somewhat with unwanted sexual urges and the way they have a tendency not to go away, when you'd rather do something else with your day, like go shopping, do chores, or watch paint dry.
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Old 08-05-2013, 08:13 AM #19
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandoren View Post
I understand what you mean, AppalachianAxis... I'm an asexual (the official definition being someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction, not someone with no desire for sex, asexuals can still be sexually active) but I do have a libido; I find it aggravating to have something yelling at me I've no actual need for. (To clarify my position here, in essence, it is like food (if we borrow the current comparisons at hand!) where libido is like being hungry, a general feeling that says "you need to eat", but sexual attraction is like craving a particular food, or seeing a slice of cake and wanting it.)

So although I'm not in the same position as you of denying certain acts, because I have no desire to go and have sex with somebody so on that part it takes no effort at all, I can associate somewhat with unwanted sexual urges and the way they have a tendency not to go away, when you'd rather do something else with your day, like go shopping, do chores, or watch paint dry.
Thanks for your reply!

You're exactly right, and I often find the defining aspect of living with sexual anorexia is that I so often feel like I would give anything to become an asexual myself, and finally be rid of this urge I never asked for.

I'm glad you made the food comparison. That's exactly what it's like. Only for me, the urge seems to just get stronger the longer I try to ignore, or "starve,"
it. Just like food anorexics I'll switch from trying my hardest to not engage in anything sexual at all to suddenly going on a "binge."
For me, this involves indulging in a lot of pornography, which only makes me feel worse in the end because it compounds my already potent self-loathing with shame and disgust at what I've gotten of to. And it's those very feelings that compel me to once again try to completely starve my sex drive to death.
It's a very very vicious cycle.
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Old 08-05-2013, 08:13 AM #20
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elaheh.S View Post
Life is suffering.
Gee, how uplifting!
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