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Old 09-06-2014, 07:48 PM #71
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

I believe there is too much pressure placed on being sexual. Yes I want it, but personally I need an understanding friend and an companion more. The love life will occur and be much more pleasurable after this connection. My thought... be yourself Love comes is many ways - not always physical.
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Old 09-10-2014, 12:19 AM #72
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

I'm sorry if this is material that's been tread on a lot before (I only read the first and last few pages of the thread and skimmed the middle) but I wanted to emphasize that you never, ever have to have sex. I struggled a lot with this issue, and still do - I have a libido, I experience attraction, and I feel that I should "fix" myself so that I enjoy sex and can have it with others. That kind of thinking only led me to hurt myself and others really badly. If you don't want to have sex, and don't enjoy it, you don't have to force yourself. You only have to change yourself if the changes are things you want to happen. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who thinks that sex is necessary for a healthy relationship and life can walk on by me.

That said: please, be gentle with yourself. Especially if you're dealing with confusing feelings and experiences that shake up your idea of yourself! You don't have to know the answer right away, and you seem like you're doing totally the right thing by steering clear of other sexual experiences while you figure things out. I'd also like to throw in a dissenting opinion and say that if taking medication to lower your libido seems like something that would make you happy, it's absolutely ok to do and worth exploring. It's always good to be cautious with psychiatric meds and aware of the effects they're likely to have, but several psych meds are prescribed for non-psych uses as well.

I often convince myself that I would be ok in a sexual relationship with someone - that it wouldn't be so bad - but when I'm honest and think about the kind of relationship I'd want, sex is almost completely out of the picture. That's ok. Whatever you want for yourself is valid, and listening to your gut with this is often the healthiest way to live, even if it leads to "unconventional" answers.

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Old 09-17-2014, 10:11 AM #73
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Quote:
Originally Posted by seraphic View Post
I'm sorry if this is material that's been tread on a lot before (I only read the first and last few pages of the thread and skimmed the middle) but I wanted to emphasize that you never, ever have to have sex. I struggled a lot with this issue, and still do - I have a libido, I experience attraction, and I feel that I should "fix" myself so that I enjoy sex and can have it with others. That kind of thinking only led me to hurt myself and others really badly. If you don't want to have sex, and don't enjoy it, you don't have to force yourself. You only have to change yourself if the changes are things you want to happen. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who thinks that sex is necessary for a healthy relationship and life can walk on by me.

That said: please, be gentle with yourself. Especially if you're dealing with confusing feelings and experiences that shake up your idea of yourself! You don't have to know the answer right away, and you seem like you're doing totally the right thing by steering clear of other sexual experiences while you figure things out. I'd also like to throw in a dissenting opinion and say that if taking medication to lower your libido seems like something that would make you happy, it's absolutely ok to do and worth exploring. It's always good to be cautious with psychiatric meds and aware of the effects they're likely to have, but several psych meds are prescribed for non-psych uses as well.

I often convince myself that I would be ok in a sexual relationship with someone - that it wouldn't be so bad - but when I'm honest and think about the kind of relationship I'd want, sex is almost completely out of the picture. That's ok. Whatever you want for yourself is valid, and listening to your gut with this is often the healthiest way to live, even if it leads to "unconventional" answers.

Thanks so much for this, it means a lot to me. Especially now when I'm really having to take stock of what's important to me. It's more reassuring than I can say to hear someone else say what I've been thinking.
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Old 09-17-2014, 08:37 PM #74
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

You're welcome! If you ever want to talk about it more or need reassurance that what you're feeling is ok, feel free to message me. And good luck.
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Old 02-24-2015, 12:35 PM #75
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

So, I've been doing a lot of research and exploration on my own, seeing as I can longer afford to go to Therapy.

I've come across the concept of post-coital depression before, but it never sounded quite right for describing what I was going through. However, recently I learned about the concept of "Sub-drop." A phenomenon common throughout BDSM circles. Sub-drop refers to a kind of crash that can be experienced by the Submissive partner after anything from mild to intense BDSM play. This crash can be immediate or can begin anywhere from a few hours or even a day or so afterwards and can last as long as a couple of days.
Symptoms can include: Fatigue, feelings of guilt, helplessness, pessimism, irritability, worthlessness, insomnia, and worse. Unpleasant stuff to be sure.

Now, given my history of Sexual Anorexia, I obviously don't indulge in BDSM practices. I don't indulge in much of anything really.
But, in spite of that, as I read about this I couldn't help but think, "Wow. That sounds EXACTLY like me."

I had experienced all of those symptoms, to varying degrees, my entire life after indulging in my own sexual urges. Reading about this sub-drop thing was so relatable and accurate it was scary.
And seeing as I, well, don't do BDSM or, well, anything, I looked into the science behind it. It's fairly simple. During sexual arousal or activity, our bodies release endorphins. These endorphins are meant to, well, get us high! They make us feel good, they make the more un-sexy parts of sex, well, seem sexy. And once sexual activity is over, those endorphins drop out of our system.
Everyone experiences this drop to "some" degree. Some simply temporarily lose interest in sexual activities, some feel a nit bummed out, that being post-coital depression.

So, essentially, my hypothesis as to why I've always felt terrible for thinking about sex or acting on my sexual desires was more or less correct.
I, for whatever reason, experience an endorphin drop FAR beyond what one is "supposed" to experience. I basically undergo "sub-drop" after thinking or doing ANYTHING sexual. That explains the physiological side of things.
Following that, the psychological side of things isn't hard to piece together. Ever since I hit puberty, sexual thoughts and exploration has been met with this severe negative reaction. This continued my whole life. So it's no wonder that I grew to resent my sexuality, my sexual thoughts, my desires, and sex in general.

Not sure if I'm actually going to be able to actually, you know, DO anything about this. But it's oddly comfortable to know the how's and why's of my situation.
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:57 PM #76
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

I can relate i often feel very low after sex ( I don't go anything unusual and am not submissive). I am often dreading it because I feel low when it is gone. I can't avoid sex though because I like to be in a relationship and that's not gonna happen without sex but if I could have just affection with no sex that would be fine



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Old 02-26-2015, 05:06 AM #77
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Quote:
Originally Posted by AppalachianAxis View Post
So, I've been doing a lot of research and exploration on my own, seeing as I can longer afford to go to Therapy.

I've come across the concept of post-coital depression before, but it never sounded quite right for describing what I was going through. However, recently I learned about the concept of "Sub-drop." A phenomenon common throughout BDSM circles. Sub-drop refers to a kind of crash that can be experienced by the Submissive partner after anything from mild to intense BDSM play. This crash can be immediate or can begin anywhere from a few hours or even a day or so afterwards and can last as long as a couple of days.
Symptoms can include: Fatigue, feelings of guilt, helplessness, pessimism, irritability, worthlessness, insomnia, and worse. Unpleasant stuff to be sure.

Now, given my history of Sexual Anorexia, I obviously don't indulge in BDSM practices. I don't indulge in much of anything really.
But, in spite of that, as I read about this I couldn't help but think, "Wow. That sounds EXACTLY like me."

I had experienced all of those symptoms, to varying degrees, my entire life after indulging in my own sexual urges. Reading about this sub-drop thing was so relatable and accurate it was scary.
And seeing as I, well, don't do BDSM or, well, anything, I looked into the science behind it. It's fairly simple. During sexual arousal or activity, our bodies release endorphins. These endorphins are meant to, well, get us high! They make us feel good, they make the more un-sexy parts of sex, well, seem sexy. And once sexual activity is over, those endorphins drop out of our system.
Everyone experiences this drop to "some" degree. Some simply temporarily lose interest in sexual activities, some feel a nit bummed out, that being post-coital depression.

So, essentially, my hypothesis as to why I've always felt terrible for thinking about sex or acting on my sexual desires was more or less correct.
I, for whatever reason, experience an endorphin drop FAR beyond what one is "supposed" to experience. I basically undergo "sub-drop" after thinking or doing ANYTHING sexual. That explains the physiological side of things.
Following that, the psychological side of things isn't hard to piece together. Ever since I hit puberty, sexual thoughts and exploration has been met with this severe negative reaction. This continued my whole life. So it's no wonder that I grew to resent my sexuality, my sexual thoughts, my desires, and sex in general.

Not sure if I'm actually going to be able to actually, you know, DO anything about this. But it's oddly comfortable to know the how's and why's of my situation.

People who do partake in BDSM in healthy relationships deal with this by comforting each other and being affectionate after sex. The Dom reminds the sub that s/he loves him/her and everything they said during the sex was just acting and they do in fact value the sub deeply.

I don't know if there is a way for you to remind yourself and comfort yourself after sexual stuff or not. I know this is an automatic response and it's really hard. But maybe the way BDSM people handle the sub drop phenomenon could help your situation somehow
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Old 03-09-2015, 01:07 PM #78
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Default Re: Living with Sexual Anorexia

Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing View Post
People who do partake in BDSM in healthy relationships deal with this by comforting each other and being affectionate after sex. The Dom reminds the sub that s/he loves him/her and everything they said during the sex was just acting and they do in fact value the sub deeply.

I don't know if there is a way for you to remind yourself and comfort yourself after sexual stuff or not. I know this is an automatic response and it's really hard. But maybe the way BDSM people handle the sub drop phenomenon could help your situation somehow
I was actually working on something much like this when I was in therapy. My T called it 'thought stopping' I.E. really, really concentrating on pushing back the involuntary irrational thoughts and feeling of self-hatred, guilt, fear, and shame and trying hard to break through all of that and focus on telling myself that I have done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't be feeling bad at all.
It doesn't always work all that well and honestly it's hard for me to try al that hard now that I'm no longer in therapy (I can't afford it any longer sadly) but when it does work it's quite helpful.
It's never easy though. Trying to tell myself I shouldn't feel bad about sex at times feels like I'm trying to tell myself the sky isn't blue.
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