[surfing65]

I will try to keep the facts short and pertinent. My gf and I have been dating for 18 months. She's 50 and I'm 49. For the 5 years leading up to our dating, she'd been having an affair with a man who was younger, great looking and very wealthy and powerful. Mind you, my gf is an exec who makes 750K a year. This guy, made 2M and she obviously was entranced by him. When we first began dating, he would not leave her alone. It took a month. She then disclosed that the affair was always on his terms, between 9-5 work days, at her house for sex, no lunches, dinners, trip, cards, etc. since he was married with 3 kids she was sworn to secrecy. Additional the sex was only "the things his wife wouldn't do" which was Oral and ****. When I heard this, I freaked. How could someone so driven and powerful let herself be treated like this ?
My issues are: After 18 months she told me she does not really care for **** but with this guy, it was hot sometimes. She says she loves me but I don't know how to get past this and respect her. Also what is a man's motivation to do this and treat a woman this way ? I really hate him and don't even know him. I'd like to understand his motivation better too
Thanks

[jelly-bean]

It's going to take time and a lot of work to get past your issues both with her and with him. I wonder, if you don't have any respect for her now, if you are going to be able to gain any later. Good Luck to you!

[Webgoji]

Wow, there's a ton going on here.

What's that guys motivation for treating someone poorly? He's a millionaire. His life is probably founded on treating people poorly and he treats people that way because he can get away with it. He was probably an egotistical and arrogant piece of ^%$# and you shouldn't even worry about him. He's in the past.

She's a powerful and successful woman. I've read that women with lives like that tend to look for a sort of dom/sub relationship. Unfortunately, her last one was really, really unhealthy. Basically she didn't want to be in charge for a little while, but it took a wrong turn.

I hope.

Secondly, what can't you get past? I'm kinda confused. Is it that she would perform certain acts for him, but won't for you or is it that she would do it just because of who he was?

If she did certain things for him that she won't for you, then that's an issue. But if you can't respect her because of her past, then you need to really think about your past as well. People make mistakes and she shouldn't be punished for something it sounds like she's punishing herself over anyway.

[~Christina]

Why are you worried about "his" motivations? She is with you, not him. What she did with him is in the past, in her past.

Are you unable to respect her because she did X with him and how she allowed their relationship to be on his terms ? This doesn't make her a bad person.

Apparently she loves you and decided to open up to you about her past. How can something like this make you question your ability of respecting her?

[surfing65]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Why are you worried about "his" motivations? She is with you, not him. What she did with him is in the past, in her past.

Are you unable to respect her because she did X with him and how she allowed their relationship to be on his terms ? This doesn't make her a bad person.

Apparently she loves you and decided to open up to you about her past. How can something like this make you question your ability of respecting her?

I guess it's that she lowered herself so much... It's hard to comprehend

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by surfing65

I guess it's that she lowered herself so much... It's hard to comprehend

How did she "lower herself" ? So she was in a relationship that wasn't healthy for a variety of reasons. She is NO longer in it , she is with you.

Do you love her? or has learning of this changed your view of her? Have you spoke to her about how all this makes you feel ? or are you just trying to process it all ?

Does it just bother you the types of sexual activity she had with him is something you find repulsive?

[Bill3]

After 18 months she told me she does not really care for **** but with this guy, it was hot sometimes.

She found a way to enjoy sex. This means that the relationship was not strictly "on his terms". She got something she wanted out of it as well: in the absence of any other relationship (she hadn't met you yet), she found a way to enjoy sex. How did the relationship with the other guy come to an end?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by surfing65

I guess it's that she lowered herself so much... It's hard to comprehend

People make mistakes. People get into bad relationships. And instead of judging that, you should try to be an stellar example. Give her the relationship she deserves.

[hamster-bamster]

I think in addition to what Webgoji said about very powerful women craving a second life of submission - I have also heard that and read it, that very thing, it is like a second persona that offsets the public persona. I do not know how it works, but I have seen it mentioned consistently (I believe Carl Jung's writings get mentioned in that context, but am not sure) and exactly the way Webgoji explained, SO...

...in addition to the dominant/submissive dichotomy, in their case there was the dichotomy between the traditional and modern role of a female.

The guy is filthy rich. At home he has a wife and 3 children. The wife does not do even oral sex with him. Victorian, almost. So he has a woman to do what the wife won't do. In the past, such a man would have simply hired a prostitute. But then he would have had to pay her! Now this guy finds a super wealthy woman who agrees to do what a prostitute would do for free! So he in luck. Your gf got to play the role of a prostitute from a Victorian society for free! But maybe her being a powerful exec had to to be offset and counterbalanced with that role of a prostitute in a traditional society.

Plus, tbh, we cannot imagine what that kind of money does to people. You really do not know what you would do with that kind of money. The power that comes with it cannot be pictured without actually experiencing it. But, you know what, I can volunteer my services to find out. For free! Just give me $750K a year and I will be updating you weekly on the transformations that would be happening to me from having that kind of income. Oh, and I do not mean just a one time $750 - 5 years of that guaranteed. Because otherwise I will feel insecure and feeling insecure...



I think you have gotten a lot of good advice above. Do not over-analyze; live your life to the fullest with her, and little by little, without deadlines, you would get to know her more and get to understand - if by then you still care to understand - what might have motivated her.

A classic movie tangentially related to your topic is La Belle De Jour with Catherine DeNeuve, who at some point was Marianna - the symbol of France. Maybe watch it with the gf to have a combination of fun and insight?