Number of partners

I think men and women might view this a little differently, but I wonder what you all think.

A friend of mine is single, around 36 and male. We were talking the other day about how many partners he thinks is too many- or at what point he would not sleep with a someone because of how many partners she has had. I, for example, and 34 and have had 8 partners. I'm feelig pretty crappy about that lately. When I ask my female friends what they think is average for a woman my age, they say like 3-5. Then I ask my guy friends and they say 10-15.

What is average for a single woman and a single male at age 35? Should I feel bad? I have never had a one night stand-and everyone I have had sex with have been men I've been in a committed relationship with and truely care about. But why, after my conversation with my guy friend do I feel like crap?

He asked me if I regret any of it. I said no. Again- I was in a committed relationship with a guy -at the time, who I probably thought I could end up bein with for a long time and/or marrying. So why do I still feel like dirt?

Normally a guy has more then a girl. It seem more acceptable for a guy to have more partners then girl. Guys are the bomb if they have had more partners were the girl is a slut.

To me it doesn't matter at all. It's not like I am dating their ex's. I don't agree that men have more then women. The average woman can get sex more often then the average man and it's not uncommon for a 35 year old man to have never had sex. It's much rarer for a woman to be in that situation.

I think there is no "average" and it doesn't matter anyway... and how many is too many... that's something that only you can decide. You are the one judging yourself and personally I think you're being way too hard on yourself.
I don't get the question of should you feel bad. You do feel bad. The next question should be why you feel bad. I think that when you understand that you should be able to resolve this. I don't think you should feel bad.

I don't see how there can be such a thing as a normal number of partners at a given age. It depends on so many factors. How many relationships you've had, how long they've lasted, whether you have casual sex between committed relationships... how can there be a "normal"?

I certainly don't think you should feel bad about any number of partners, as long as you were doing what you wanted. Maybe you should examine why you feel bad. I know the only reason I felt bad about having had lots of partners was because it was kind of a testimony to years of sucking badly at relationships. So it wasn't about sex at all, but about difficulties connecting with people on a level beyond that.

8 partners is not a lot for a 34 year old. If you count one night stands and casual encounters at college, then it should be the same as your age.

Hi Doggiedo

I'm a slightly younger woman than yourself and have had penetrative sex with 13 men, but have lost count when it comes to other forms of sex. And I feel no shame etc and nor should you. As long as you sexual encounters have been between consenting adults there is nothing wrong with having multiple partners. As others have said perhaps you need to explore your reasons behind why you feel bad

Oh and just to let you know of my friends I have had the least amount of sexual partners

A number actually means nothing. There is so much more to it than just the number of partners you slept with. There are so many other things to consider. Were they all committed relationships? Was the person hurt and went on a one-night stand spree? Were they depressed? It really does matter. If I have to be honest, I'm a 25 year old guy, I was a virgin until 23. Then I lost a potential girlfriend (who I loved very much) to another guy and I went on a one-night stand spree, because I was depressed and just didn't care about anything, even living. I have slept with probably like 15 women or more. Will this affect my possible future relationships? Of course it will. While guys might think "O bravo! You conqueror!" women won't like that. And, it's women I'm trying to attract, not men. Although it's not a physical issue, it does have an emotional effect. I doubt whether someone who has been with other people before can really give 100% in a new relationship. I know it sounds stupid, but every time you have sex with someone, a little bit of who you are gets lost with them. It's very hard to explain, but I know it happens because I can feel it. The moment I had sex for the first time, I immediately no longer felt so much love for the girl I was in love with the first time. The more sex I had, the more my memory of her altered, it didn't fade (that is a crucial point here), it changed. The more sex you have, the more it becomes a thing rather than something special. It's so hard to explain. It's like you are losing your sexual innocence or something. That is why the best way is to get married with both being virgins. Only after experiencing it, I now understand why this is so true. I regret what I did very much now, I would rather have stayed a virgin to be honest. But, I must admit, I would have been probably crazy by now out of sexual frustration, so maybe it did me some good too, I don't know.

So, I would say, as long as it still excites you, and is still a great feeling every time you meet up with someone, then it's OK I would imagine. But, if it's become kind of desensitized and as soon as you feel "experienced" then maybe it's not such a good sign. Then your previous encounters matter. And, another big thing, if you find yourself comparing your new partner to previous ones, then that's a big sign that your previous encounters will be an issue in a new relationship. So, until these things come up, then the number of people you slept with shouldn't matter. Unfortunately for me, I am desensitized already .

There isn't an average, and most people of the people you ask will say a number, high or lower than the real one, to fit in with society's idea of how many partners you should not have. Personally, at the age of 25, i have no idea how many people I've been intimate with. I just never bothered to start counting, because it's not that important. For the most part, the only reason why a partner would even ask is to find out how many people they will potentially compared too. And that has nothing to do with how many you've been with, it's about your partner being unsure of themselves.

I'd say 10, whether casual or committed.

Wow. You're 34 and you think 8 is a lot? And your female friends think 3-5 is average? Wow. It makes me wonder what has changed since you were my age (23), lol...!

I am 23, remained a virgin until I was 18 and have since then slept with 7 different men (penetration/vaginal sex, I don't count touching, fingering or oral as sleeping with someone). Only one of them only one time (one-night stand), the rest I have had either a relationship with or we have ended up sleeping together more than once. I have two very different groups of friends, and in one of them (school friends from junior high etc.) I think I am at around the average, maybe a bit higher. I was probably the one who remained a virgin the longest, but I have since "caught up" with some of my friends when it comes to numbers. In my other group of friends, though, I am one of those who have slept with the fewest people. I am not a one-night stand person. Some of my single friends (both men and women) sleep with at least as many in a few months as I have in my whole life. So, no, 8 at 34 is NOT a lot. Not at all.

Personally, I think that anyone who considers a number "too much" are not worth being with. They should appreciate experience, and that you are not afraid to enjoy sex. It would be a dealbreaker for me if a guy I was with was disturbed by previous sex partners.

There are still some of us who still won't have sex outside of marriage & the only person I had sex with was my H.....& even now that I am divorced.....I still feel the same way.......If I ever find the right person to get married to ever again.......then that will be the person I have sex with.......amazing how the moral values have changed over the years.....guess that's what women's lib was all about......go out & be equal on the basis of sex with the guys.

Numbers shouldn't matter. It shouldn't be about who you slept with or how often . It should be about being in a healthy, committed relationship with your significant other. If you are going to worry about the numbers of partners your spouse has had then you need to question yourself . Are you Insecure? Jealous? Shocked ? It shouldn't bother you. It's about right now, this minute, are you going to let what may be the love of your life get away because of someone they slept with before they met you? They are with you for a reason. Try to not let the little things bother you. Trust is the most important part of being in a relationship. And one more little gem... Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to

I would never wait until marriage. As my mom has always said, you have to "test-drive the car before you buy it". I would want to know that the sex worked (it IS a very important part of a relationship) before committing my future to someone. I would NOT want the wedding night to be awkward and fumbling like it often is the first time. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose, but for me I would rather have an experienced guy who knew how to pleasure a woman, than someone who had no idea what he was doing.

Numbers aren't really important in the grand scheme of things - anyone who considers that important has their own issues and really isn't worth your time.

Things like the age you lost your virginity, how many partners were one night stands vs relationships, personal outlook on sex, etc influence it.

Personally? In 10 years of sexual activity I've had 9 partners. Only 4 of who I had regular sex with, but 6 who I was in a relationship with (two were very long distance and fell apart quickly). My personal outlook is that I value the emotional connection with sex and don't really care for sex just for sex's sake. It's not my style. I'm also not a drunk-hook-up sort of person (the times that I have, I was either hypomanic or in a depression).

Those are my personal values. Other people believe in waiting till marriage, and others believe in sex just for fun and don't have any worries about emotional connections or longetivity. To each their own!

The only thing that matters, I think, is not feeling regret over the people you've been with, even if they've caused you a great deal of pain later on. At the time, if you were happy with the decision, then that's all that really matters.

A test drive cannot tell you if a car will be rubbish to live with in one year's or even 10 year's time, LOL. Just because it drives great initially doesn't mean it is great quality.

BTW, I plan to break the 100 mark before 30! Just kidding...

DD - you feel bad because the guy is not treating you well, but you are internalizing it, so instead of telling him: "well, how do you expect an attractive single woman to not end up being wanted by many men and actually go for it with a subset of those men??", you feel like a girl who has done something bad.

Your little questionnaires make no statistical sense and you should know better than administer them to your friends - I mean, you work in a college setting, right? Should know something about bias, statistical significance, underreporting etc. So why are you doing that?

You are talking with heterosexual people. So these men must be having sex with women, and vice versa. Then it is not possible - think about it and try to picture it - that men have so much more sex than women. So men must be inflating the figures to appear more successful while women must be underreporting to appear more conventional.

In the past it was true that men could have many many more different women, but that was because of the institution of prostitution. Nowadays, most of sex does not involve monetary exchanges, so - unless these guy are counting sex dolls as partners , there is some scheming going on in reporting, in both genders.

When you say partners, do you mean people you have had sex with? Or just people you've dated? I'm a little ignorant when it comes to dating and having partners and having sex with them because I have only had 2 boyfriends before meeting my husband, and I am 26. I have had fun with several men and women but they weren't anyone I was dating...I was kinda going through a phase... Anyway, I've only had vaginal intercourse with my husband (since my rape doesn't count to him), but have had oral sex with one partner and a few guys i met for a one night thing. (Again, I was experimenting for a few months cause I think I was manic or something). Do the one night things count as partners? I hope not. I like to think that my husband is the only person I've ever had a sexual relationship with, considering he's the only person I've ever had vaginal intercourse with. But a past boyfriend I had oral sex with one time. That is the only other person I was in love with. I feel like I'm making this more complicated than it has to be, lol.

Eskie - you are misusing the word combination "moral values". The idea of having sex within marriage only is one of custom. It is neither bad nor good - it is morally neutral.

Morality has to do with issues of right or wrong. E.g. bullying is immoral, as is taking advantage of somebody's weakness for personal gain, or manipulating a person to extract profit, or date-rape-drugging a person, or not visiting frail relatives in their nursing homes, or concealing income to avoid taxes, or falsely advertising and taking advantage of a misled customer, and the list goes on and on. Some of those immoral acts are also crimes (unlawful acts), but not all.

In sex outside of marriage unless there is manipulation or some other unfair things that might happen, there is no victim and no perpetrator, or manipulator, or oppressor. So where do you find immorality in it?

It is one thing to say: "I choose to have sex only when I am married. PERIOD".

That is a fine thing to say.

But add "moral values" to that and it is a covert (well barely covert and almost overt) negative judgment on everybody who happens to not share your convictions.

In my opinion, passing negative judgment in such an unfair way (the many people reporting having had many partners on this thread really did nothing to provoke that kind of a judgmental retort coming from you, so it is UNFAIR to them), while not immoral per se (I mean, we are just chatting on a forum), but at least in theory can be analyzed from the standpoint of morality, because UNFAIRNESS is an issue that morality deals with.

the sexual partner count is not an issue that morality deals with.

There are several proper ways to express what you wanted to express without that negative judgment.

Mores - not morals, but mores

Customs

Conventions

traditions

societal norms

all would have been able to fit the bill.

Choosing words carefully to both convey your train of thought and state your position but yet avoid offending others is actually not that difficult.

Thanks.

Sometimes victims and perpetrators don't know they are exactly that. I've been done in before where I was only able to work out 10 years later that I was conned. And, that was only after technology progressed and revealed things previously unknown. But, I've done things too where I find out later I maybe hurt someone, and they don't even realize it either!!! How can you be so sure that when you do something like that, that it isn't wrong or a crime, it might only seem that way, but that's not to say it is. We don't know that for sure.