So conflicted about sex

I'm 22 years old virgin, I think about sex everyday, I always wanted to give my virginity to someone who I love, someone who is special for me but unfortunetely I never was in relationships with man I loved.
I feel like I'm doing bad to myself if I don't have sex because it's such a pleasure.
I can't have sex with someone I love so I think maybe it would be better for me if I had sex with someone I'm with but who I don't love, maybe it's better then being alone in sorrow but at the same time I feel like I'm breaking myself, my body wants it, my heart doesn't.
I hate to be virgin but I know I could cut myself or do something harm to myself if I slept with my current boyfriend.
Thoughts about sex haunt me, I want it too much so I dont know what is worse.

The second stupid problem is that I want to be a model for erotic photosession but these pictures will be public. I want it but I'm afraid to look like a ***** and then everybody would think- she shows his body in public what a bad girl.
I want it and don't want it at the same time.
Maybe I want it just because I can't have sex with someone I love.

I feel guilty all the time, so conflicted about my wishes, maybe it sounds like nothing but I'm back to drugs and want to cut myself again.

I hate myself when people who knows it say I'm virgin in good context like I'm good girl. I hate to be good girl but at the same time I want to be good girl.
I'm so f***ing conflicted about those things and have no peace.
I feel like hopeless sinner too, I think if I follow my dark wishes the boy from church who I want as my boyfriend would never want me as his girlfriend because he needs good girl. Who like girls who act like a *****s, sociaty thinks bad about them.

I don't know if someone ever could help me, I don't know why I posted it here.
It's just too hard to live having conflicts with myself all the time. I don;t know how to understand real me.

you are saying that if you have sex, you would harm yourself and think you are a *****. those are some pretty negative consequences of having sex. you also don't appear to want to have sex with your current boyfriend but would like to be the girlfriend of a boy who wants a virgin. yet you think about sex all the time. the answer seems to me that you need to pleasure yourself to get rid of those sexual urges. there is nothing wrong with masturbation. it feels good and gets you almost the same results as sex. you are still young. value that virginity. you will be grateful you made your first time special with someone you love.

What strikes me, is that you have been affected by society's (or, particularly, religion's) view of women's sexuality - that for women it should be something special, it should be restricted, it is shameful if spoken about or shown in public etc.

Get rid of these notions! They limit you! These perceptions about sex were MADE TO CONTROL FEMALE SEXUALITY. I am not joking, this is antropologically true of virtually every society throughout history, it gives the men (particularly the "alpha men") a knowledge of and control of their offspring and so forth. Religion has always been mostly about controlling female sexuality - some serious pervs, these religious authorities, thinking a woman showing hair or a leg or even a smile are sinful, that women's sexuality is somehow shameful and dangerous. This is one of the most promiment equality issues today, as women who embrace their sexuality are still slut-shamed, mocked, shunned, sometimes even assaulted or attacked.

My suggestion is: Free yourself. It takes time, but work your way through it. Don't do something you might regret, right now. But try to think it over: Why do you feel this way? You want to have sex, it's a natural, human urge; but cultural pressures make you feel like it's wrong. Aknowledge this. Talk to people. Not your stuck-up, Tea Party aunt but a friend, someone you can discuss with, maybe someone with another perspective on sex. (Don't start with porn, porn ruins sex.) But read about sex, masturbate, get to know your body. Don't be ashamed. It's natural to want sex. You are stopping yourself from living life to the fullest, you are inhibiting yourself.

Hugs. Lots of hugs.

Let me say I can completely sympathize with your struggles, as they almost exactly mirror my own. I also often feel as though I am being torn in two. My desire for sex and my desire to remain a virgin are cause for an incredible amount of internal conflict.
I'm 22 as well, also a virgin. And I can also relate to what you say about losing one's virginity. I also know that if I were to lose my virginity... things would get bad. I've harmed myself for less, after all. That sense of, well, purity, is dear to me and I feel that to hope it would be one of the worst things that could ever happen. My sole difference from what you describe is that I don't want to lose my virginity at all.

Guilt.
It's like having a self-refreshing, in-born guilt machine.

And this guilt is not necessarily bad. Already you have had responses that claim this guilt is a result of cultural pressure and/or an societal control of female sexuality. While these are both perfectly valid and fairly common reasons for an aversion to one's own sexuality to arise, they are not always the cause. To that point, let me say that I am both male, as well as having had the benefit of living with and around very free-minded people my whole life. My point being that it is understandable and indeed OK (this I feel is VERY important) to have thoughts about your sexuality arise just from being... you. No oppressive society or sex-negative upbringing necessary. We have the fortune today of living in a (mostly) sex-positive society. But it's important to remember that among all the championing of sexual freedom, it's still just OK to not want to jump head-first into a sexual lifestyle.
What's important is that you find a healthy and positive way for you to manage your feelings. I simply cannot recommend therapy enough. I wish more than anything that I had started talking to a professional about my issues years and years ago. Specifically, a Sex Therapist can be enormously understanding and incredibly helpful in finding the root of your feelings, and working out what would be best in terms of dealing with those feelings. Due to my feelings of shame about sex, I didn't want to see a Sex Therapist at first, but let me reassure you: it's not weird. This is their field and their specialty.
Short of that, I agree with the recommendations you have already been given. Take a step back from everything, take stock of how you feel and what you want. What's vital is that you don't do anything that you think you might regret. This is something else I can relate to 100%. For all my desire to retain my virginity, I find myself with desires to do very sexual things. Maybe those desires are born from keeping sexuality pent up, who knows? But if you even have the tiniest, teeniest, voice in your head telling you you'll regret doing something, best to steer clear from that, at least for now. Trust me when I say I know how hard that kind of decision-making can be. Hormones can really turn your own personal code of morals on it's head sometimes.

Please, Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, don't give up hope. At the very least, take comfort in knowing you are not alone is this struggle. Talk to people you trust and feel comfortable with about your issues if you can. Having an ear to listen helps tremendously. I feel I must once again recommend trying to find a therapist to speak with. I've been seeing one for a few months now, and I cannot speak highly enough as to how helpful it has been!

And always feel free to post your concerns and feeling here as well. I know it may not seem like much, but talking about yor struggles here is a HUGE step in the right direction. I've found this is a wonderful, helpful, and supportive place to share your issues without fear of judgement or reprisal.

I wish you nothing but the absolute best of luck.

I masturbate but it doesn't help me, if it helped me I wouldn't feel that bad.

Thanks, I will try to talk about it with my T but I see him after two weeks
And I don't know if I could do it because he is hot and I want him and I'm afraid he would be angry because I left him and now going back.

Anyway thank you ALL for your useful advices

Sex isn't shameful. It just isn't. It's what bonds people, it furthers our race, it keeps us healthy.

The problem is that we're living in a society with a lot of double standards and over sexualization. Younger people are confused, under educated and downright scared of the topic. And it's so wrong. If religion is an important factor for you then maybe getting the counsel of a religious leader would be beneficial.

If it's something that can't be rationalized maybe professional help would be the next course of action after that. You may need some time to talk through why this is such a source of conflict - you know logically that you're not going to appear a ***** for either casual sex or erotic photographs. *****s are people who are paid for their services. Therefore you are not whoring. Sex is also perfectly enjoyable whether you love someone or not though arguably there is a deeper emotional connection if it's shared between two people who love each other.

You use the term 'good girl' a lot. Are you an adult? If so you're not a good girl anyway. That's a contradiction in terms. I think maybe you're afraid of not enjoying it - of risking your reputation on something that might not even be worth it. My answer to the latter would be who cares - again if you're an adult you're not obliged to care what others think, the former is sadly inevitable - first time sex usually isn't great, especially if its shared between two people who are inexperienced.

I think you need to take the time to work out what this means for you. Sex isn't the same for everyone. For some people it's nigh on sacred. For others it's something less consequential. If you feel you need to wait - then wait. You're in charge.

No I don't care about religion.
I don't know why I feel guilty, maybe it's because I'm with a man I don't love but can't be with someone I love. I always wanted to have sex with person I'm in love, I think it would be better than sex with some attractive guy who is nothing for me, just an object for sex.
I hate to be virgin and wait forever for someone I love and always be broken.
I feel disgusted when I feel on my hair and on my clothes my boyfriends smell, yes touches are okay, I like touches but it's so different when you touch someone you are in love.
Maybe I just need to have my first experience with a guy I'm not in love just because he is gentle and wants to make me feel good.
But the thing which kills me is that I always wanted to give my virginity to someone I love.
It's so difficult that I don't even see way out. All of choices are wrong, I think I'm doing wrong no matter what I do, it's hell.

I think you should start your modeling right away and wait to have sex with people.

You know you want modeling so go for it.

You are confused and do not know what to do about partner sex so wait.

Also, you will need time being comfortable with having the images in public.

Don't worry - there are lots of erotic models, and there is lots of info on the web, and in general there is a huge overload of all of that, so the chances of your getting noticed are not so big - your pictures, however charming they turn out, may sink in the sea of information out there. So be realistic and do not expect all your contacts to point fingers at you, not because they are or are not judgmental but because of the sea of information issue.

If I were your age, I would most definitely do erotic modeling. Plus, you will get pictures that you can cherish when you get old. Having sex with guys you do not particularly care about won't produce such memories, which is another reason why modeling seems to be of a higher priority in your case.

I "found God" in my early 20's and decided to remain celibant until marriage. Worst 5 years of my life and I ended my celibacy with someone I had just met. Sex was readily available but like you, I thought sex and love should go together. I admit to also having guilt about sex, or sexual thoughts. Now I see it as repression and not very healthy. The odd thing about sex is that it sometimes evokes love in people that already have a relationship. That's what eventual happened to me. And as an artist, I see no shame in nudity, assuming it's in good taste. I've also used that as a pick up line so make sure everything is above board.

Hi lunatic soul. I am a male at 24 but I was a virgin all my life until about 6 months ago, when I found the love of my life. My girlfriend is my first and last girlfriend, and sex is great. I think you're right for waiting to find a person you can love, so ditch your current boyfriend now. You already know you don't love him, so why are you staying with him? You have to find the right person and then everything will fall into place. I struggle with depression a lot, and my therapist told me that I should have sex with a lot of girls to find out what I like. But for me I couldn't really ask for more from my girlfriend, and she's satisfied with me. I'm not religious at all. And yeah, masturbation isn't nearly as good as having sex with somebody you love. I used to masturbate a lot when I was a virgin, but now that I know what sex feels like when I'm with my girl, masturbating is pretty much the last thing I want to do, unless she asks me to or something.

So overall, what I think you should do is 1. dump your boyfriend, 2. find somebody to love, and 3. pursue your dreams. About the erotica photoshooting, just beware that if you do get another boyfriend, some guys will get jealous that you're showing your body off to others. But you will find the right person and you will know when you do, and if you want sex before you do, there is nothing wrong with having sex. It feels good. Just be responsible with yourself.