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arich62
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Member Since: Aug 2014
Location: Salem, Oregon, USA
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Default Sep 05, 2014 at 11:35 AM
  #1
I also posted this in Depression success stories.....
For three weeks I was walking on eggshells it felt like, following the Robin Williams incident on August 11. I went through similar feelings back in the late 80's, strong suicidal impulses and deep paranoia. I have PTSD and the RW incident brought it back. A couple of nervous breakdowns and impulses to hurt myself I had to fight off. It was a bad time, I had no outlets. My wife was at home and we don't hardly communicate feelings at all. No work, no money - nothing to do but absorb and gather thoughts all day, my mind was working overtime. All I had was my PC. In my mind was seeing images of my wife and cats crying if I had done myself in and that was making me feel all the more miserable. In Christianity we say that is just the devil messing with your head. Thoughts were going back and forth in my head about whether or not Robin Williams was in heaven or hell and where would I be? Morbid curiosity and paranoia was taking over (just talking about it still ain't easy). Last Sunday church sermon nearly put me over the edge. Finally that afternoon after my second nervous breakdown I was able to collect my thoughts, write out, let the evil thoughts in my brain talk - but I realized they weren't evil, weren't Satan they were myself trying to tell me what I needed to do to get out of this mess and begin my recovery. The first thing I did was pray/ tell God that I needed to sideline him for a while until I recover because both God and the Devil were fighting each other inside my brain and needed to settle down. I said to myself I need to get down to the ROOT of the problem. Write down what I want to hear, what I want to do - not what God wants me to do. I am one of the LGBT crowd as a crossdressers and allow myself to dress up again- allow that feminine side of me to not stay so suppressed, that I would arrange more time and more contact with like minded folks. I realized I had been so suppressed by things my wife likes to do and church activities. I was also able to call my mom and can get out of town for a while in a couple weeks. So suddenly have things to look forward to and as long as I make a concerted effort with these new plans I should be o.k. There is a long way to go, I could ramble on farther, too much talk about it still might make me shaky some. But at least I got myself out of critical condition.
I realized that Christianity (had affected me in the past too), suppression of my true self were root causes and that Robin Williams suicide just brought out the reminder of how important it is to outlet, be ourselves and communicate, get angry to where we are heard - because we sure can be fragile.
I read Dr. Burns, Feeling Good book and that helped me some. One line on page 388 in the book says "hopelessness is to depression as a cough is to pneumonia." Very true.
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Default Sep 06, 2014 at 06:32 PM
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Thanks for your thoughts.
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