Confused/Want to date but don't know who...

I'm wondering if two long held obsessions ending have caused my sexual orientation to spin out of orbit...

I thought I was straight up until age 12 when, deeply enchanted with my new best friend, I panicked an told her I thought I might be a lesbian. Up until that point, I had been madly in love with this older boy, whom I'd known for several years, but never could muster up the courage to talk to, little less flirt with.

These two obsessions continued and grew side by side. Both were unobtainable: the boy was too cool, too funny, too terrifying to approach, whereas the girl was my bff, and also, as I told myself, just a "friend crush". And she was straight, and shortly thereafter taken.

I never made a move on the guy, and he went off to college, and I still think of him fondly... But lately I wonder if I was always more on the lesbian end of the spectrum bc as an adult, I fantasize about women more than men. I seem to notice more women than men, though maybe i have higher standards for men in terms of body attractiveness? I mean, the last guy I crushed on just from his looks was tall, dancer-like, with abs, and just a gorgeous face...

The last girl I had a crush on was short, possibly shorter than me, kind of handsome, but mostly her energy was very attractive. So I'm not sure if it was a sexual thing, or just a "I really want to know this person" thing...

But I like women's bodies. I think they are more aesthetically beautiful, but so does society... It may not be a coincidence that my attraction towards women has grown with my increased consumption of erotica, which is mostly from the male gaze.

I don't know. Maybe I should just throw myself into the dating scene? Try different people, see what I like?

Personally, I'd advise not agonizing too much over what your specific orientation is. If you think you might be interested in girls (which it sounds like), go for it! Same for boys. You sound like you're interested in people of various genders. Some words for that include bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, queer, and others if any of those sound fitting for you feel free to use them, but you don't need a specific term for what you are unless you want one. If at any point that changes, that doesn't make what you identified as before any less valid. The words we use for different sexualities don't mean we have to behave in a certain, fixed way, forever.

I spent a long time trying to figure out what my sexuality was, but up until I started actually dating people, it was hard for me to get a real sense of things. If you go out with a girl and realize later on that you're not "into girls" there's nothing wrong with that! And you probably will have had a fun date while figuring that out. Experimenting is awesome. I totally recommend opening yourself up to possibilities, going out there, and seeing what works for you.

My suggestion for who to date is: someone you like.