Desperately want sex but scared of it at the same time.

So the back story. Well that would take pages and pages, the cliff notes as I've posted them elsewhere are:

• Social anxiety, depression, avoidant personality, perfectionism, enmeshed relationship with parents
• 32 live at home with/off parents still
• never had a GF, still virgin, never had many/any friends
• actually like socializing and am good at hiding my problems when I can
• desperately lonely
• intelligent, always did well in school, but dropped out of university 6 times, never finished a degree
• worked series of retail jobs, some of them OK, but all ended in nervous break downs.
• taken medication in the past, didn't help, doing group therapy now

As far as sex goes I try not to think of it as the be all and end all of things. It's definitely not the thing that rules my life emotionally. I know one or two other people my age who have emotional issues and are virgins as well who are TOTALLY consumed with feelings of inadequacy and all they think about 24/7 is getting a GF and having sex. This is not me at all. My main emotional issues revolve around social anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, depression, self hatred issues and the like. Far and away my main goal is to manage to form a stable happy life outside the orbit of my parents.

However to say that not ever having so much as held hands with a girl isn't an issue would be a huge lie. While it doesn't consume me it's very much a painful thing to be 32 and have the strong emotional and sexual urges of someone my age, heck I'd say of a teenager, and not to have any real outlet for them. The thing I worry about most is turning into some kind of deranged pervert or something over the issue, it's not healthy not having any kind of release or exposure your entire life to such a basic biological need. And I don't just mean sex, I want a companion, a friend, a romantic relationship, I desperately want it. But yes sex plays an important part of things as well. What I don't want is to have the sexual side of things get in the way of finding someone I can just be with, share things with. As strong as the need for companionship is, often the stronger immediate emotion, the one you feel first is lust. This doesn't mean that I want to go see a prostitute to "get it out of the way" as I've had some people actually suggest to me, not cause of religious reasons (I'm not religious) I just don't want my first experience to be that. But the practicality of it would suggest getting it out of the way might clear things, I don't place any significance on virginity (again not religious).

As I was saying above I don't wish to objectify women or turn into some kind of perv or crude person, I abhor these types of people. However I do watch porn on a semi daily basis as a form of sexual release, trying my best to stay away from the main stream majority of it.

I'm not sure at this point in my life how to approach this subject without it being weird, perverted or pathological. Most people naturally have sex at some point in their lives before the age of 32. Once you reach this point things get awkward to say the least.

Visiting a prostitute DOES NOT solve the problem at all. I did that because I thought it would release all my sexual frustrations (I was a virgin who had never even been hugged by a girl) and allow me to concentrate on life again (I was thinking of like you say, not sex, but a girlfriend, like the whole day). I thought having sex was going to numb my urge to find a girlfriend but it doesn't. It's the love you want, not the physical side. I learnt that the hard way. I commend you for being able to identify that before falling into the traps that I did .

I can completely relate to your situation. I am the exact same age, and have the same problem and feelings of inadequacy. You seem to be doing a much better job than I of trying to de-stigmatize the feelings caused by virginity.

If you can find one, may I suggest a sex therapist. I am seeing one, and she has been a tremendous help to me. A good sex therapist can work with you on how to harness your sexual feelings as well as how to deal with any anxieties you may have in regards to dating as well as sexual contact.

I wish you well, feel free to PM me if you have any frustrations or need someone to talk to.

Dear povman,
I have a few suggestions. I have been around the block a few times...

Your first priority should be to become independent from your parents and feel good about yourself. I think you realize this.
After that you will be ready for a relationship.
You are fortunate that you have not gotten involved with anybody yet because unhealthy people attract and get involved with unhealthy people. When that happens, your problems get worse!
Establish a healthy relationship with yourself.
You will then be ready to form a healthy relationship with a healthy person.
Keep your priorities in order and be open to meeting new people.
I suggest staying away from porn. It can lead to sexual dysfunction.
Learn how to love yourself and others.
Everything will fall into place

I wish You the Best!

Thanks StbGuy. Yes I guess I do realize these things. It doesn't make it that much easier though as the biological urge still remains :P and don't be too hard on yourself for having visited a prostitute, it says NOTHING about you as a person!

Thanks allforgood. Yes in many ways I know the truth of all of what you say. I've been slowly working on these issues over the years. It's just sad to realize how long the trudge will be, these aren't issues you solve in a session or two of therapy, they are life long exercises in emotional reconstruction. And yes I agree finding a relationship now would not be the best, I have said exactly the same thing myself and for the same reason. Damaged people attract others of their kind and make for unhealthy relationships. Still, it's very difficult not being able to satisfy the longing

Thanks povman. It does say a bit about me though. I am a weak person and I gave in at the age of 23. OK, I'd never had any female contact before that and never even been touched with one finger by a girl, but that's no excuse.

You're very right, these things take a long time to change. I'm very damaged as I am failing at all of the points mentioned. I know myself very well, but not necessarily love myself. Also if you don't love yourself, I found that you can still love someone, but they want no part of it . I have a problem with loving myself though. I have AS and for me, everything seems to be the same thing. I don't understand how you can love yourself and not be narcissistic then. Maybe I'm just an idiot, IDK.

And, you're so right. Damaged people attract damaged people. I've attracted a lot of damaged people. I admit, I've been with more than one prostitute, and one became really clingy. She almost cleaned me out, as she had a love of money. She was young, like 21, but had no intention of even going back home or going to school. She just wanted me to foot her bill for rent and stuff. I had to cut her out, but it's hard once they have your contact details.

To StbGuy: Loving yourself is simply respecting yourself, valuing yourself and taking care of yourself.

To povman and StbGuy: Work out regularly and get yourselves in prime physical condition.
Eat healthy and stay committed to taking care of your body.
All areas of your life will improve if you do this.
It is hard work at first and requires self discipline, but it becomes easier and enjoyable after a few months.
Be committed and disciplined.
You will never change unless you are committed to doing what it takes to change.
Enjoy the journey. Do not think that a particular outcome will make you happy.
You need to learn how to be at peace with yourself and others now.
It's all about accepting reality and changing what you can

I used to be so self-disciplined, I was super-intelligent at school, getting the highest scores in all my classes. It was never an issue for me.

It's ever since I got depression that all that has gone out the window. I was a very strong person before with a will of steel, now I am as weak as they come. I am a slave to things like junk food, because if I don't get my fix it feels like I want to die.

But, I've got an even bigger problem. I have no reason to change anything. The girl I love wants absolutely nothing to do with me, and never will, because I don't think I'm what she likes (I know if I looked different and had a good body you might think she would, but I get the impression that not even under those circumstances). It becomes extremely hard to get motivated once you know there's no real reward at the end.

StbGuy...

People cannot change for other people.
We have to change for ourselves.
That is a basic fact of life.
Also, it matters not what you were or what you had in the past,

You have many false beliefs about the way things work in our Universe.
You need to get wise and strong.

You are not happy because you have not yet learned how to be happy.
Do not feel bad! Everyone has to learn from scratch.
Be determined to improve yourself.
There is no other way.
We have to live life on life's terms.

I say these things out of compassion

Will being well-built, fit and lean really make me happy if the rest of my life is still a mess? I doubt it. There is a fundamental flaw with me that needs to be fixed first. And, the best thing about it is, I have no idea what it is.

I'm not depressed because I'm unhappy with me as such, I'm depressed because I'm not in line with what people have SHOWN me (please note, NOT told me) I should be. They say I must just be myself and be happy with myself, but that's not true. Their actions don't match their words. Bottom line is I have to be someone THEY are happy with. And, there's nothing wrong with that, they deserve a pleasant person in their midst, not a monster.

I've said before on another thread that I think I'm a narcissist. But, all the tests and stuff show I'm not. But, I don't believe one can do your own test. You have no idea what effect your actions have on other people and you don't know how they perceive you. Am I lying on the test, or not lying on the test? What is X in my opinion is Y in another's. I can't possibly be objective. They say be honest. I am honest. When they ask "I am a natural born leader - yes/no" OK you can honestly either say yes or no. But, when they ask "I have grandiose visions for myself - yes/no" now what is grandiose and what isn't? When I discuss my dreams with someone, they might think "Geez, this guy is way over the top, what an egoist and grandiose braggart" while I might think it's a moderate dream to have (I personally wish to open a company of my own one day with a big vision) or I haven't identified it as the power trip it really is, like the other person did. Bottom line - I'll say no and they'll say yes (of me).

Everyone lies and says I'm OK, or a cool guy, but they don't show that. Why do they avoid me like the plague? I can't be a cool guy then. If I indeed have NPD, it will explain why my being happy makes others unhappy. I'm selfish and strange. It's dangerous for someone like me to "love myself". I have such shallow feelings that it's more likely that I'll fall "in love with myself". I'm such a moron I can't detect the difference. I have the emotional intelligence of a chimpanzee. How do you make an ape happy? You give him more bananas to eat, that's it. You can't expect any more or any complex feelings out of him. That's me, a sub-human.

You are very self aware. You are figuring things out.
Be patient. I admire how hard you try

Wow I seem to have skipped over your post sorry about that! Thanks for the reply. I have thought of seeing a sex therapist actually, though I'm not sure where I would get started looking for one. I suppose I could ask my individual therapist I occasionally see at the drop in centre where I have my group therapy sessions.

Thanks allforgood. I've actually been doing a lot of exercise in the past year or so. I've lost about 95lbs and gone from being obese to downright skinny, and I'm now in pretty good shape, I look good and feel great physically. I do an hour on the treadmill every day and also get in long city walks and mountain climbs when I can. It also helps to inform my emotional state of mind and keeps me out of the worst of the depressions, but it doesn't dig me out of the hole entirely, far from it.

My problem is, I don't have the personality to fit movie-star looks and a lean-muscle buff body, LOL. It'll be way too much for me to handle . I'm pretty sure I'll fall in love with myself.

hmnnnnn.. being scared of making love (and that is what I prefer to call it) should not be the way to approach this . It should be just the opposite. Do hope you find someone special soon

I agree, you seek to make love (and that's what I pick up from what you say) not simply sex. The two aren't the same.