I can't orgasm with another person

It's always been like this…I can usually orgasm pretty easily on my own usually, but with I'm with someone else, nothing. I can barely feel anything at all. At first I thought if I was with a partner more than once and/or was sober, that it would work. But still, my body has very little response to another person. For the record, I'm talking about sexual contact outside of intercourse as I'm not ready to lose my virginity yet.

It has nothing to do with arousal either, because I'm usually very aroused (even to the point of it hurting). I know I've had some problems communicating what feels right, but honestly, I don't know what works for me and nothing we try seems to feel quite right.

Is it possible that I really can't have an orgasm with another person? I'm starting to feel like it really is impossible, which is making me lose interest in the physical side of this budding relationship. It's not like I don't enjoy it, but it's so frustrating that I can't feel much.

Okay, I'm making some assumptions here -- when you talk about another person, you mean a single person you're seeing, not random hook-ups, right, or a series of people?

Anyway, back when sex therapy was first getting talked about this was apparently a fairly common situation because women's magazines and Playboy featured stories about what to do if one or the other partner wasn't feeling it.

First thing they recommended was to keep your clothes on and all hands above the waist and off the chest. Then have some good old make-out sessions, with lots of kisses and hugs and caresses that might go on for rather a long time, with a promise to each other not to go further than passionate kissing.

Talk to each other about what feels good and what maybe doesn't feel so good. Take turns showing each other what kinds of kisses and touch and caresses feel the best.

The idea was to get the couple to communicate without embarrassment about what each one liked the best, what was a turn on and what was a turn off.

The instructions said no petting below the waist and no intercourse or oral sex. But, people being people, one thing would often lead to another and the problem would be solved. as long as both parties cooperated.

Definitely, there wasn't supposed to be any just going along with it to get it over kind of thing.

It might be worth a try. If you're with one person, you might be able to figure out how to pleasure each other and talk about it by first focusing on kissing. And that would mean saying something like, "Honey, I'm just not feeling it so let's try this and see if it works." That, in itself, can tell you a lot about your budding relationship. If the other person gets all offended it can tell you a lot.

If you can climax on your own, it means your parts are working. If you can't feel anything with your partner it may mean it's the wrong person for you or you just need some practice sessions and learning how to communicate what feels good, what kind of touch and pressure and where and how. Communicating about kisses is a good place to start.

I wish you well!

Yes, it's just one person, however I'm not sure if we're officially a couple or not. I suppose that's bothering me, but I don't feel right bringing it up. I don't know if there's an average or appropriate amount of time to wait to bring it up, nor do I know how to bring it up without sounding clingy or something.

Is it too late to try that if we've already touched each other/done oral sex? I was thinking of asking him to do that anyway since I feel a lot of pressure (not from him) to orgasm and it's just too frustrating right now. It's also a bit frustrating that he can get off (sometimes even multiple times) without much if any effort on my part.

I'd rather just kiss him anyway…I didn't have any pressure to feel anything and I actually could feel some things. I just don't know how we'd get past that…he'd have to lead because I literally can't. It's hard to explain, but because of anxiety and my past (I'm guessing), I find that I can't say or do what I to do in sexual situations or even just passionate kissing. He frequently has to show me what to do with my hands, otherwise I probably wouldn't do anything with them. It also sort of bothers me that we went past just kissing when we had been drinking. I mean, I know I agreed to it, but every other time a guy has violated my boundaries/pushed into a sexual situation, we had both been drinking.

I think he would understand if I explained it to him, but I'm not sure what to say or how much to say. I really would like to tell him in detail, but that seems unfair to him. On the other hand, it's relevant in order to prevent him from accidentally triggering me. I also don't know if I feel like I completely trust him yet (stemming from the whole a guy's going to hurt you at some point thing) nor do I feel comfortable with physical stuff at all. I mean, he realizes this, but I'm not sure he quite realizes the extent.

Like I said earlier, I'd rather just focus on kissing because I haven't figured out exactly what I'm supposed to do yet in that situation. I just don't know the best approach to asking him to back off a little bit and explaining why. I just feel like if I'm going to ask someone to forego sexual touch, I should have a pretty good reason and fully explain it. That and is it too much to ask for confirmation that we're a couple? Or is that something that's just assumed? I've never been in a relationship before...

If just kissing is what you want, he has to respect your boundaries so don't be afraid to say that to him. If he puts pressure on you for more then you should walk away and not look back.
Just so you know it is perfectly normal not to be able to orgasm with someone else. I can make myself orgasm cliterally (is that a word?) with no trouble but my husband finds it really difficult. I can probably count the number of cliteral orgasms I've had from oral sex on one hand. Vanginally he can make me orgasm really easily with both penetrative sex and fingers so it's no big deal (I just prefer penetration- everyone is different)
So when you are ready to move into sexual touching with a partner (and only when you are ready) don't worry about orgasm because it really is different for everyone.

It's not too late to go back to just kissing and talking and telling him you need to slow down in order to enjoy it. Just the info you gave in your opening post is enough to start with. When this technique was first proposed it was suggested for married couples who were having a hard time, so it's definitely not too late.

If you're not ready to do more than kissing right now, that's okay. It means when you are ready to go forward, you'll be able to enjoy it more.

Sounds like you've already figured out that combining drinking with this is not a good idea for you, at least, not until you're feeling more comfortable with yourself.

You've given no indication of how old you are or how old your partner is. I hope you're both mature enough to have made arrangements regarding birth control before intercourse happens.

I'm 26 and he's 31. He seems pretty mature (I actually thought he was older than that at first). I know the conversation about birth control will have to happen before we start having intercourse, especially since condoms by themselves is not enough. I'm sort of afraid for that conversation because birth control pills in the past has caused gender dysphoria and I'd have to discuss why. Honestly, I'm really confused about gender sometimes…I have a female body and most people know me as female because it's easier, but I've always felt somewhere in between. Not transgender certainly (although I've thought about it), since I'm only "male" part of the time. But being on female hormones (which I've been put on to lower my male hormones even though I didn't want to) makes me not feel right anymore. I think they may have messed me up permanently as I feel my male self is very suppressed now. I guess gender identity might have something to do with our inability to connect physically, I just dread that conversation. Especially since it would probably lead to a discussion on sexuality and I'd have to admit that I've been attracted to various genders and even wondered if I were gay, although come to find out, I was just terrified and untrusting of men and I seem to be the most consistently attracted to cis-gendered men like him. I think he's pretty open, but if someone hasn't been around a lot of non-binary gendered people, it can be strange and confusing.

He does seem extraordinarily patient given the circumstances, even coming up with positives for the physical stuff not working yet. I just feel bad asking him to slow down because that means if he wants something exclusive with just me, he's going to have to just pleasure himself for a while and I have difficulty not just giving in to what a guy wants just so they can stay liking me. I have difficulty imagining a guy would like me and have interest in me beyond my body and I even have trouble imagining a guy would really be interested in my body in the first place.

Well, we spent the evening together and while I was around him, I just couldn't say "let's just stick to kissing". So we tried again and I still couldn't orgasm. Even if I have a suggestion of something to try, I just can't come out and say it because it just seems so "dirty" in my mind. Or embarrassing or possibly both.

At least we've gotten closer to getting me there and we've found some things that seem to work for me just by experimenting. I'm just not sure it's completely possible to just go back to just kissing at this point.

I.Am. -- some of this stuff is embarrassing to talk about, especially when it's new for you. Perhaps in time, you'll be able to take baby steps toward communicating about sex. I know I was terribly embarrassed when I was a young woman without much sexual experience.

You raised many interesting points in your previous post about gender identity and the effects of hormonal birth control on the way you feel. When it comes to birth control there is good news. You don't have to rely on hormonal birth control methods. OTC spermicides or vaginal sponges, when used together with condoms, are effective. These things can be purchased OTC at stores like Walgreen and even some grocery stores.

Spermicides have to be used 10 minutes before each act of intercourse. Vaginal sponges can be inserted up to 24 hours in advance. When used correctly and combined with condoms, it's a pretty good method for women who don't want to use a hormonal method of birth control. A gyno can also help you with barrier forms of birth control.

As you and your boyfriend move closer to intercourse -- only when you're ready -- I hope you will find the courage to talk about birth control. It's not dirty at all and it can make sex so much more enjoyable by reducing worry. I wish you the best.

I can't hardly get off by myself...I sort of think it's time to give up. I still can only succeed in one position on my own and we've tried that and it still doesn't work. I'm tempted to try the kissing only thing, but offering to get him off. So basically, do everything except having him try to get me off. There's just no point.

If you want to get off with someone else, you usually need to have the ability to get off relatively easily on your own. Not to get explicit, but is the one position you're able to have an orgasm lying on your stomach? I ask because a minority of women masturbate this way, and they're usually the ones who have the hardest time orgasming any other way.

(Of course psychological factors and/or meds can be a huge part of the problem. But that may not be the only thing.)

You can get an orgasm by masturbation, which is an excellent start.

I'm not an expert but here is my idea.

Can you get an orgasm when there is someone else in the house?

Can you get an orgasm when there is someone in the next room?

Can you get an orgasm when there is someone in the same room, silent and perhaps facing away?

You see the idea? Stick with what works and bring the other person closer one step at a time.

Yeah, that's right, the only way I can orgasm is on my stomach. I think I've gotten myself off once on my back after I've gotten myself up to that point on my stomach.

So does that mean it's going to be nearly impossible to get off with another person? I mean, I don't have much hope of it ever happening anymore. I'm not completely sure why I keep trying.

Also, I'm not on any psych meds anymore…I take singulair and some vitamins/supplements. That's all.

It's possible their could be psychological factors though…my childhood sort of made it feel wrong to touch someone else. I also have anxiety and even asking me where I want to be touched causes a lot of anxiety. In fact, almost everything causes anxiety to a certain extent, but especially in sexual situations.

I think the point I get anxious is when they're in the same room. I'm not sure how to get over that.

Gradually? I dunno.

I have never had an orgasm with another person. Have never had a G spot orgasm even by myself.

I can't explain it but something about intercourse with another person makes me feel violated and while I can become aroused (like you) I don't orgasm. I think perhaps by allowing another person to bring me to that place I feel like I am giving them too much power. I hate not being in control.

Are you worried about not being in control perhaps? Would it help if he were to lay down and not touch you, allowing you to make all the moves?

There are also sexual positions that would allow you to remain if not entirely on your stomach at least close to.

I think I have a good idea of what you're coming from, so in case it's useful to you, I'll share my experience. Sorry if anything is TMI...

I masturbated lying on my stomach for all my life, as early as I could remember. I had never had an orgasm on my back. I had a lot of issues (shame, embarrassment, anxiety, etc) surrounding this, and so I never once masturbated in front of the one partner I had from age 18-30. I never had an orgasm in any other way, so I just didn't orgasm with my partner for all those years.

When we split up a couple of years ago, I started dating someone else. I decided that I wanted to try masturbating with him present, to have an orgasm with a partner there. It was a no-go at first, then I managed to have a couple of excruciatingly difficult orgasms. I knew this was really just psychological, since it wasn't generally difficult for me to orgasm my usual way if I was by myself. So I had him go in another room a few times while I masturbated. It got less difficult. Then I could have him in the same room, but not watching me; then in the bed not watching me; then in the bed, watching but not touching me; then in the bed, watching and touching me. This was a pretty difficult process that took some patience and trust.

Not too long after this, I got a vibrator and started experimenting with lying on my back. Sometimes I'd get myself warmed up on my stomach first. After some patient experimenting (which, by the way, meant that I decided to not masturbate in any other way than on my back), I was able to orgasm on my back with the vibrator. The key to this for me was replicating the sensations that brought me there on my stomach. A lot of women who masturbate on their stomachs use a lot of pressure with the ball of their hands or an object (pillow, etc)-- so I need a lot of pressure / grinding motion, and I also put most of the pressure just to the left of the, ah, sweet spot... That is, indirect stimulation. Once I finally figured out exactly what my body needed, it became very easy to use the vibrator to bring myself to orgasm, with or without my partner.

I have been with my partner over a year, and I still have not had an orgasm through oral sex, intercourse, or manual sex. Just with the vibrator, using it on myself. Perhaps this will change eventually. For now, I'm happy just being able to do this. And for what it's worth, my orgasms now are ten times more intense than they used to be, so there was certainly a pay-off at the end of a long, sometimes frustrating process.

A lot of sex is experience? So, if you are use to touching yourself and doing things yourself then another's touch is not going to be "right" for quite awhile perhaps and then, only if you "work" at it/want it. Getting to "know" another person is precisely that, practice with that other person over time so you both get good at working together. It's like you are a member of a team only you want to do things by yourself? That won't get the team working together to win?

Great post!

So, we've decided to back off a bit and go back to just kissing/touching with clothes on in order to work on my anxieties with touch and work on our communication. I feel very guilty about doing this and feel like I need to get over the anxiety as quickly as possible because otherwise it's unfair to him. So I'm hoping I can get it done in a couple of weeks and that that is not too long for him.

But if it's unlikely for me to orgasm with someone else, then it's like I'm punishing him for nothing.

At the moment, I don't really get myself off anymore either. I really don't have much desire to, since even the thought of doing it makes me feel frustrated.

Yeah, it seems like you should work on your anxiety. But DON'T feel like you owe it to him - if he can't respect that you have issues you need to work out, he's not worth it. But he seems like a great and patient guy this far.

It also seems like you put too much pressure on yourself. That makes it hard to orgasm. When you get so focused on "having" to do it you stop enjoying it. If it doesn't feel natural, or you don't want it, don't do it.

BTW, I have always masturbated on my stomach - didn't know only a minority of women did this. I can masturbate on my back aswell but I have never gotten an orgasm that way by myself. Need the grinding/whatever on a duvet or pillow.