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Bewilderbeest
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Trig Sep 23, 2014 at 10:15 PM
  #1
Oh wow. Last night was ... hard.

I had a frank talk with my 13-y-o son, during which he told me he was 'bi'. I'd like to think I handled it pretty well. I was open about how I felt, (the good and the bad) and I made sure he knew that no matter what, he and his sisters are the most important things in my life.

He told me that he'd felt this way "off and on", and mentioned that he had not felt it all summer, but that it cropped up again when school started back. My son is a bit of a nonconformist and has a habit of befriending the outcast (lots of those in middle school) so naturally, some of his friends are 'bi-curious' or more. I love that he's very accepting but selfishly I can't help but feel like our encouragement of this trait is sending an approval message that might be contributing to his confusion.

Among the things that we discussed, I told him my personal opinion that our society's relative permissiveness (compared to a generation or two back) tends to encourage gender confusion. I think that homosexual feelings are relatively more common than most of us would admit. Fifty years ago, you would bury your head and those feelings. Now, everyone wants to tell you that it's OK, and I do think that it makes it easy to tell yourself "Gee, if I feel this way, I must *be* this way." Sometimes an urge is just that, and nothing more, like the crazy urge to jump off a tall height. I admitted to him that I've occasionally had those feelings and urges, too, and that as far as I know it is normal. At least, I'm quite sure I'm not gay, despite those occasional thoughts.

Anyway, after that heart-wrenching experience, I decided that I'd best get some support myself, even if just to have others to bounce ideas off of, that sort of thing, help make sure I'm doing the best I can. So I found this site. Read quite a few posts that made me feel better about where both my son and I are right now.

Unfortunately, at some point I think I'll have to discuss this with my wife (for the record, his mom, we've been married 21 years) sometime soon, but I'm dreading it. She is very much a heart-on-the-sleeve person with a bad temper. She's quite tolerant of other people''s lifestyles, but I'm not at all confident that she'll handle this well, at least not right away.

OK, I've said enough for now, I think.
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Default Sep 23, 2014 at 10:53 PM
  #2
"permissiveness" is a really, really bad term in the context you are describing. Can you think of something better? "more open-minded"? "society embraces more...[fill in the blanks as suiting your purposes].... than two generations ago"?

Since your son leans towards outcasts, he may just be trying hats of minorities to see if they fit him. That, too, MAY pass.

Why do you have to tell your wife? Can you let the son confide in her as he chooses? Did the son authorize you to disclose this information to his mom?
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Default Sep 23, 2014 at 11:43 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
"permissiveness" is a really, really bad term in the context you are describing. Can you think of something better? "more open-minded"? "society embraces more...[fill in the blanks as suiting your purposes].... than two generations ago"?
Perhaps I'm simply insensitive, but it does describe my own feelings. I'm not certain I can relate to what you're taking issue with, but I'm willing to give it a shot. Feel free to elaborate via PM if you're comfortable with that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
Since your son leans towards outcasts, he may just be trying hats of minorities to see if they fit him. That, too, MAY pass.
Possibly. It might not. I'm ... well, prepared probably is not the right word. But, wherever he goes with this, he's still my son.

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Why do you have to tell your wife? Can you let the son confide in her as he chooses? Did the son authorize you to disclose this information to his mom?
I don't generally hide things from my wife (and frankly, I am *horrible* at it). Just being on this forum and not mentioning it makes me uncomfortable.

My son and I discussed this during our talk last night. Part of the problem is sleepovers - as I mentioned, he's 13, and it isn't uncommon for his friends to stay here and vice-versa. I'd never have allowed a female friend to stay over, tho. Knowing what I know now, how can I allow his guy friends to sleep over without being completely hypocritical? And if he quits asking, Mom's gonna figure out something is up anyway.
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Default Sep 24, 2014 at 12:35 AM
  #4
As a child who *has* know they weren't straight since a young age, and been afraid of telling their parents, let me first say that for him to tell you in the first place means you're doing some things right - it means he trusts you enough to let you know.

Your son may be confused about his sexuality, it's a confusing thing to figure out, *especially* if you aren't heterosexual! But I urge you not to tell him that he's confused, or to doubt him, or to write this off as something that could be a fad/phase. One of the most important things you can do for a bi/gay/queer kid is take their feelings seriously, and love them for who they are - not in spite of who they are. I know that some parents are afraid of mentioning the topic once it's been brought up, because they're scared of "encouraging" those feelings, but please don't feel that way. Nothing you do, one way or another, will change your son's orientation, you can't "accidentally"(or purposely) make someone gay by telling him it's an ok thing to be. What you CAN do, and what I think is important to do, is let your son know that regardless of who or what he is, you love him, and that it's safe for him to figure out and not hide who he is around you. And as a final note, PLEASE, PLEASE do not tell anyone else about your son's sexuality unless he says it's ok for you to share - if you led him to believe you wouldn't tell your wife about it yet, make sure to check in with him and let him know before you do tell her. It's very sensitive, personal information that he's trusted you with, please respect that!

Is there anything specific you're looking for help or support with? Having been in a position similar to him (though I'm older in my 20's now, and not male), I'd love to help you and him both out if I can.

Last edited by seraphic; Sep 24, 2014 at 12:56 AM..
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Default Sep 24, 2014 at 12:37 AM
  #5
If "permissiveness" describes your own feelings, you need to work with the feelings because you would otherwise project negativity no matter what you say. I am not clear why you suggested the PM route to elaborate - this is a very simple issue that can be discussed publicly.

Do you personally need society's permission to be straight?

If you do not, why do people who differ from you need such permission?

That you have this attitude is hypocritical, while allowing same sex sleepovers in light of this disclosure is not hypocritical. If you all of a sudden stop the normal practice of allowing same sex sleepovers, that would be a red flag and a giveaway. So it is probably best to run your life as normally as possible, without allowing changes that are essentially knee jerk reactions.
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Default Sep 24, 2014 at 01:00 AM
  #6
You have handled it well so far - the suggestions are to handle it even better and be more proactive rather than reactive.
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Default Sep 24, 2014 at 09:38 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by seraphic View Post
And as a final note, PLEASE, PLEASE do not tell anyone else about your son's sexuality unless he says it's ok for you to share
Well, during our talk, I told him I would have to tell her, I just need to figure out the best way. He knows that my wife and I don't hide things from one another.

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Is there anything specific you're looking for help or support with?
Not yet, right now it is good just to get some input from somewhere besides my own head. And honestly, it helps to be able to talk to someone about it with some anonymity.

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If "permissiveness" describes your own feelings, you need to work with the feelings because you would otherwise project negativity no matter what you say.
Actually, I meant that I feel society is permissive now, as opposed to before. I can't imagine how hard it was for GLBT persons 50 years ago - it was bad enough when I was my son's age. Obviously, if my son feels that he's gay, I can't forbid (or permit) it - it just *is*. I can't pretend I'm happy about it, but I can make sure he knows it doesn't change my love for him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
I am not clear why you suggested the PM route to elaborate - this is a very simple issue that can be discussed publicly.
Sorry, still kinda figuring out "how things work" around here. I was thinking that you might wish to elaborate more via PM and not discuss it here in the main thread, but that's really a habit from other forums where people try to "stay on topic". I guess that's not really all that important here - or perhaps I should say that everything is equally important to the topic. Probably not making much sense, I guess.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
Do you personally need society's permission to be straight? If you do not, why do people who differ from you need such permission?
Permissiveness isn't an absolute. It isn't like I have to get a license or something to be "permitted" to have a relationship. What I meant by it was that society in the past didn't really 'permit' GLBT persons to be open, whereas to a certain degree it does now. (although as we all know it still isn't easy)

Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
That you have this attitude is hypocritical, while allowing same sex sleepovers in light of this disclosure is not hypocritical. If you all of a sudden stop the normal practice of allowing same sex sleepovers, that would be a red flag and a giveaway. So it is probably best to run your life as normally as possible, without allowing changes that are essentially knee jerk reactions.
I don't necessarily agree, although you are exactly right about drastic changes being a 'red flag', which concerns me. This is all, obviously, a work-in-progress.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster View Post
You have handled it well so far - the suggestions are to handle it even better and be more proactive rather than reactive.
Figuring out how to do that is exactly why I'm here. So thanks for the help so far.
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Default Sep 24, 2014 at 12:48 PM
  #8
To be honest how you feel or respond to matters isn't really important in the sense that it won't make a difference - if your son is bi then he's bi. Though you can make that harder or eaiser for him to come to terms with. The thing about homosexuality is that it really isnt a big deal - they dont lead magically different lives or require special understanding, they just want their orientation to be considered as normal as anyone elses - which it is. Bisexuality isn't really about gender it's about being attracted to people - not every person - but people whose characters seem special and appealing. All that said, your son is still young and may just be trying to figure out who he is, he may eventually decide he's straight or he may become sure that he isn't - there's no time frame on it and not everyone knows from a young age, for some it can take years to really understand themselves in that respect. Some are never 100% sure but eventually learn to live with that. There's a lot of pressure to be different these days and to quantify any such attributes and label them but sexuality is a difficult pretense to uphold. Fundamentally though it doesn't change him and as for the sleepovers I see no problem whatsoever in him having male friends round as they're just that - friends. He wont feel anymore attraction to them then he does at school. So for now, allow him the innocence of childhood but respect that he's still growing up. If he's doing well at school and is staying out of trouble that's great - the rest can be worked out in time.
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Default Sep 25, 2014 at 01:46 AM
  #9
Thanks, ifst5. I've told him there's no hurry either way. I appreciate what you and others have pointed out re: sleepovers and I did tell him that if he told me he wasn't interested in his friends I'd accept his word on it. I've never had reason to doubt him on that.
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Default Sep 26, 2014 at 04:39 AM
  #10
I do not have kids so I cannot really help much here. But, when it comes to sleepovers:

I am a woman but I have always had many male friends. My parents had the same attitude to it, the only boy they'd let sleep over was my friend whom they knew was gay. It's their house, so their rules apply, but I still found it very silly. Just because you are straight it doesn't mean you are interested in everyone of the other sex, and just because you are gay doesn't mean you are interested in everyone of the same sex. Frankly I think I only on a couple of occasions, and that was in later years (am 23 now), have at any moment felt a sexual attraction towards a friend. After someone has become a friend, it would take a lot for me to look at them in another way.

And, as my friend's mother says it (she's always been very tolerant about these things, even though she got pregnant early herself): Anything you can do in the night, you can also do in the day - before parents come home, at school, etc. It's not like it being night magically means you will act all different.
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Default Oct 07, 2014 at 01:34 AM
  #11
Hadn't updated this - my son certainly seems to have "gotten over" it. I think perhaps he really might've just been apprehensive about those random little attractions we get sometimes and thought it meant he "had" to be bi or something. Of course, he could just have decided to hide/repress/etc.

Anyway, he told me he felt better about it and I reinforced that it didn't matter to me, that I love him the same either way. Pretty sure I managed to not look relieved, even. Thanks for all the advice and support so far.
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