What's intercourse supposed to feel like for the woman?

So, as a woman, I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling during intercourse. I know I'm not supposed to get an orgasm that way (but I can't get an orgasm in any way so it doesn't matter), but I can barely tell the difference between penetration or not. He's relatively big too, so I should be able to feel something right? Maybe he just can't fit in more than an inch or something? He says he's been unable to go in very far and he tends to lose hardness because he's hurt himself trying to get it in. And that leads me to what else might be the cause. Maybe he's not getting hard enough? I mean, I feel something when he just fingers me, but are fingers just harder than a penis? I've never had intercourse with anyone before so I don't know better. And this isn't a matter of we just find other things to do that I enjoy, because I have no idea what those are.

Anything using hands either hurts (no matter how gentle) or I don't feel anything. Same with oral. I have trouble touching myself now without discomfort, so it's not just him. He's gentle, I'm well lubricated, and I'm not on any psych meds, so I have no idea what's wrong. I just started a new birth control a couple months ago, but I was already having some issues before that. Maybe my expectations of sex were too high. I just figured I'd be able to have an orgasm since I can on my own…or at least feel something other than pain/discomfort. We were still thinking about seeing a sex therapist but wouldn't this be beyond them? Are some people just completely unable to actually enjoy sex? The weird thing is, is hasn't done much to deter my sex drive and we keep attempting various kinds of sex all the time despite me feeling more frustrated and less satisfied…

But for now, I just want to know what I'm supposed to feel in intercourse so I know if there's a problem or if my expectations are just too high. I have this feeling that he's not getting fully hard and losing even more when he penetrates me, but how would I know?

I have seen other people on this forum and others dealing with the same issues. Some people with severe abuse as children spent 2 years in sex therapy and were just getting to the point of trying sex, but they were not sure they were ready.

Another issue some people brought up is that without intimacy, sex did not feel as fulfilling. Some therapy is conditioning a person to be comfortable with sex but there is another whole field of enhancing emotional intimacy. There are articles on this.
Psych Central - Search results for Intimacy and sexia;otu

The whole trust issue can limit how much a person opens up and relaxes. There are many issues that could get in the way.

I suspect my problem has been mostly due to previous sexual experiences were always negative and/or scary. There's a lot of shame and disgust based on my childhood and observing how my parents related to each other and seeing other people's disgust and negative emotions about my sexuality. I've spent a good portion of my life trying to "shut it off" and I think I partially did. We also started being sexual a little too soon for our own good. For his entire life, women dumped him mere weeks after they start dating and so he felt rushed in being sexual before (as he believed) I would immediately dump him. Besides, he hadn't had a sexual partner in years and was probably really afraid this was his only chance. Of course, due to my history, I didn't really think I could say no and can't really communicate "no" anyway.

I also have anxiety so it's probably impossible at this point to fully open up and relax. We really should just go to a therapist, but I'm too anxious to make an appointment and he's too unfocused to remember to do it. Eventually, it might happen, but it might be a while.

I think we're pretty emotionally intimate. I mean, we can pretty much read each other and communicate with each other really well. It's like we've always known each other even though we met at the beginning of the fall semester (late August-ish). I'll still look into intimacy though as I'm sure everything can be improved.

Well I have a past history of abuse so this might not be the norm, or maybe it is IDK.

When my H asked me to describe sex and how it feels. I told him it was no an answer he really wanted to hear. But he persisted, so I told him.

It is very similar to ummm....... picking your nose. It is one thing with a hole and something else getting put in that hole. You don't have orgasms from picking your nose. on occasion though you might get the big boogie but that is just a positive sensation. No orgasm, no nothing that is encouraging to do it again.

Rarely does a woman have an orgasm alone. It can involve sensations of fullness, or friction, or nothing. I get a feeling of nothing most of the time. Again this is coming from some one with a past history of sexual abuse. So it ma not be completely accurate.

As for part two of you thread....It is not uncommon for stimulation to be painful when alone or with a partner if thee is a history of abuse. Or even if there is no history like that. Some people are just wired that way. That is when keeping your clothes on or having a barrier of some sort between you and the area being stimulated. Often with a guy you trust you will learn that he s not going to hurt you, and you will find what kind of touches work for you.

hmnnnn It is supposed to feel fantastic. That desperate desire to feel good for yourself and to make sure your partner feels even better There is the emotional and physical closeness... and both are important. Add You know it works.

It may take time for you to find this pleasure... main thing - do not stress about it. I can say one thing. Intercourse is not supposed to hurt. I am thankful I was not abused this way. Hugs

It is different for all of us. I hope you find what you are looking for. Good luck. *hugs*

Try using a sex toy?

Is it supposed to feel anything like fingering? Because I feel more with that and I think it's because he can get in further.

Are we talking internally or externally here.

External stimulation, sex is not going to feel like that. It is stimulating a different area. If you are talking internally then yeah it may or may not feel like that.

Sex is more about the foreplay because the actual act is short lived unless there's a ton of cocaine involved. IMHO.

Get to know your anatomy. There is a LOT going on down there. We are not just outside-in men.

Have you had a physical exam? Can you use tampons comfortably?

It feels like more than fingers.

You have to, at a minimum, be in the mood for sex to feel good or else it can be rather boring if not horrible. You have to be turned on for your vag to be an accommodating environment for your man, it relaxes and lubricates, otherwise it is clinched and dry. Penetration feels like being fingered by a big finger, LOL, but the guys **** has to be rock hard or it won't feel as good. You should practice by masturbating since this is how most of us women accomplish the big O during intercourse, by "rubbing one out" touching your clitoris to achieve orgasm. It takes practice to get skilled at this, but it feels 100 times better to do this during sex than on your own. Some women get so good at this they can "grind one out" hands free by rubbing their clitoris on their partner during intercourse. When you masturbate think of sexual fantasies or watch porn that excites you, and then when you are having sex, if you don't feel extremely aroused by your partner in the moment, force yourself to think back on your fantasies to get in the mood.

Sorry you were sexually abused. I'm not a therapist, but I would bet that's causing a lot if not all of your problem. To have a horrifying experience linked around sex, which is kind of a fragile and emotionally dependent thing for both men and women, cant be easy. You and your partner should slow down going into it to. Spend a lot of time cuddling and building up to penetration, this will help calm you down and get you in the mood. When he goes down on you have him finger you at the same time, that's really the ultimate way that is done. LOL.

I suspected that he wasn't getting hard enough. He's had some performance anxiety and it's caused issues for him getting an erection, maintaining it, and ejaculating WAY too soon. Although, that makes sense because it seems a lot of the time he (or I) have to practically get him off with one of our hands in order to just get him hard enough to put a condom on/attempt penetration. I don't know if that's normal? Sometimes he seems to get hard on his own (whether it's really that hard, I'm not sure). Of course, condoms often make him go soft again…not so much anymore, but still.

I know it's psychological because he's just in his early 30s and is healthy. I try really hard to reassure him and make sure I don't think any less of him (he's been with at least one girl in the past who treated him like dirt over it), but still, something always seems to happen. Recently, we were having sex and I was almost actually enjoying it/ actually into it and he was really into it because it's much easier for him to enjoy it, but somehow in the middle, he just went soft. He's very clearly attracted to me and in that moment there's no way he would have been capable of any thought, let alone something that would make him anxious, so I don't know what would explain that.

And those are just his issues.

As for me, I've only been able to get off in one position: on my stomach. Every other position feels very wrong, whether it's him touching me or me touching myself. I've tried to show him and have him do the same thing, but it still doesn't feel quite right and it's really awkward. And to get him to do it in that position I'd have to stop the momentum of the moment, change positions, and ask specifically for that. Otherwise, he just touches me the way a normal woman should want to be touched. I can't even masturbate with him in the same room without it not feeling right, as I'm used to doing it fully clothed and within the context of sex with another person, I'm naked or nearly so.

Not only that, but I've had a lot of pain and burning sensations from foreplay. To the point that he's almost become afraid to touch me and I've become afraid to have him touch me in certain ways. Like oral sex. Not like he knows how to do it at all anyway. And I know I've suggested the whole fingering with oral sex (while I was still brave enough to even want him to attempt oral sex) and I think (if I remember right) his issue was that he wasn't sure how to physically do that. He has no fine motor skills so maybe doing two things at once would be too difficult? And since I have almost no experience, I don't know how to give him detailed instructions on how to do these things. Nor do I know what to tell him that will work, since nothing has with anyone.

The funny (sad) thing is that before I even had any sexual experience I already knew sex by myself would give me more physical pleasure than sex with a guy. And it's true. I can only orgasm by myself and I really can only feel pleasure usually by myself as well. I do experience pleasure because he enjoys it so much, but I'm honestly jealous that he's able to experience any release and satisfaction from it.

Basically, intercourse is really the only thing I have much hope of ever really being comfortable with and almost feeling good on a consistent basis. So that's almost all we do. I mean, what's the point of foreplay anyway? I can't orgasm and I get wet without much of it anyway. And making me relax? If anything, foreplay will make me tense up, not relax.

The only reason I'm "content" with all of this is because I realize sex with anyone else would be as bad and probably exponentially worse because I at least love him.

I just want to learn how to like it enough so I don't feel disappointed and unsatisfied all the time. And so I don't obsess about it all the time.

And I masturbate to porn, erotic literature, and my own fantasies, but those have become limited after all of this. I mean, it triggers the hell out of me to watch porn with any women in it because I can't stand them even pretending to feel any pleasure. And I always wonder how it's possible that the men can stay hard that long and consistently. And even when I get off, I feel really badly about that because it should be with him and not on my own. I mean, I had a better sex life over all when I was single. But emotionally and in every other aspect, the relationship is pretty much as good or better than I ever thought possible, so I can't just throw away because of one thing that technically should be fixable right? I mean, surely it's fixable…if there's a god, there's no way they could hate us THIS much to just to destroy an otherwise nearly perfect relationship just because neither of us has any idea how to have sex at all. Right? I mean, when too people connect on every other level, shouldn't sex potentially be amazing? That's why I'm so confused. Maybe this IS the best it can ever be.

And I don't ever think I was technically abused, although people always ask me if I have been. I mean, I can't explain why I knew I wouldn't like sex with men before I actually had sex. I guess because up to that point men were almost all mean and cruel, so why would sex be any different? All I know is my boyfriend is the first person I could do anything with that was both consensual AND I was sober. Although, I like sex better when I'm drunk. Much better. It's so much more comfortable mentally/emotionally.

And for the record, he's aware of pretty much all of this. Maybe not in the exact same words, but we have great communication and there's no hiding anything from each other. And I don't fake pleasure or orgasms for his sake because it seems dishonest and if he ever manages to give me an orgasm, I want him to know how special that actually is.

You could be having a problem called vaginismus, where the vagina spasms. Could be caused by anxiety and previous experiences.

Here is some info.
Vaginismus: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatment - WebMD
Vaginismus: Causes, Symptoms, and Treatment

I've looked into that, but it doesn't explain why I experience a lot of pain and discomfort during foreplay.