Dating a Gay Man

Where to begin?

I was labeled as a fag hag in high school, but now I see myself as so much more than that. My first two sexual encounters (out of three) have been with gay men, both of whom I am still close friends with. At a small get together tonight, one of them told me he has "had it" and "completely done" with men for the moment, and that he is considering dating women. He asked me to be his Valentine prior to this, and he told me that after our date, he will consider dating me on a more regular basis.

I know that dating each other would be non-romantic, as he prefers men. Would it be sex-based? That would entail a more friends with benefits situation, which he told me he didn't want because being that would not make it dating. How would you date someone non-romantically? I guess the only way to know that is to ask him what he wants in dating a woman. Maybe he just wants emotionally support and someone he can take out on dates, or maybe he just wants someone who can be there for him until he's ready to go back out on the gay dating scene. I'm not really sure.

I don't know if I really have a question, more advice, but I really needed to get my thoughts down on paper so I don't get too emotionally involved.

Dr. Skipper, in my opinion what you're describing sounds a little unhealthy. It sounds like he wants to date, but not for the express purpose of growing closer to you. It almost sounds like a selfish need for emotional support. Basically he can still feel good about himself because he's dating, but avoid any of the emotional ties or work that goes with getting to know someone at an intimate level.

Now you should totally be friends and hang out and be there for each other in that way. But I'm afraid trying to dance that romantic line might end up hurting you or even both of you.

I don't know, webgoji. I don't want to be in a relationship myself, either. I'd like to be able to go out with someone without the commitment. I really won't know anything until I talk to him.

Hi DrSkipper: I don't think I have any advice to offer. I just want to send good thoughts your way. This sounds like a complicated situation...

To tell you the truth DrSkipper, the situation you describe seems to be the norm amongst gay/bisexual men, at least from what I've seen. I'm not saying that gay men can't have romantic/emotional relations, but most really seem to just want the sexual relations.

Personally, my first relationship was a homosexual, sex-only thing with a good friend. Although we were already good friends, adding in the sex didn't change our dynamic...we didn't get closer and didn't act any different apart from the oral sex. So in reality, it appeared to be the same "FWB" situation you described.

The thing about relationships is that in some cases a couple becomes romantically involved which leads to them getting closer and then having sex as a means of firming up the relationship. In other cases, a couple can start by having sex or other physical activities, which eventually leads them to feel emotionally closer and then they develop a romantic relationship.

What you both need to be is honest. It's okay if you are both fine with a sex-only relationship, however if one or both of you start feeling something for the other...what are you going to do about it? It's not good to hold in the feelings and not convey them because it can lead to friction in the relationship. You may want to discuss with your partner right at the beginning what you will both do if you develop romantic feelings towards him.

Good luck.

I think, before you do anything either way, you need to sit down with him and tell him everything you've talked about here. Tell him that you're not quite sure what he wants from you. Get some clarification. Only then will you have a better idea of what's going and be able to decide whether or not to pursue this. Either way, I wish you nothing but the best of luck.

"Enjoy when you can. Endure when you must."-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If you want to just to go out with no commitment two of you can continue to go out as friends no need to date.

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I don't understand the dating bit.

Going out with someone with no romantic connection and no sex.....I'd say that is a "hanging out with a friend" situation and not a dating situation. Why are you labeling it dating?