Feeling fear instead of arousal (ugh!)

Hey gang,

Since I was around 16, I would be unable to get an erection on occasion -- maybe 5% of the time, not really a big deal. I also definitely had depression issues that came on at the same time, probably not a coincidence.

Now I'm 39, and was married for 10 years. ED issues during the first 3/4 of the marriage were like maybe 5% of the time, which I dare say is probably normal, but in the last year or so, the marriage wasn't very fulfilling, and more and more often I would lose my erection during sex, 75-80% of the time. Cialis fixed that like crazy! But eventually my wife and I decided to get a divorce because we were simply going different directions in life and holding eachother back etc etc.

Now I am single, and have hooked up with a few random women and men thanks to the wonderful hookup sites on the interweb, and most of the time I've experienced difficulties getting it up. The interesting thing here is that Cialis doesn't help at all, unlike when I was with my wife-at-the-time. I think this is because ED drugs help sustain an erection, but somehow my problem has shifted to becoming aroused enough to produce an erection. Sheesh, totally annoying.

But I think I'm finally discovering a pattern and I wanted to share it, if for nothing else than to get it off my chest: When I begin engaging in a sexual encounter with someone else, I feel a sense of fear, not of (sexual) arousal. I would say 90% fear, 10% arousal. Sometimes that ratio inexplicably tilts toward arousal, but more often than not, it doesn't.

Also, when I'm having sex with a woman and she makes a suggestion ("Faster!" or "let's flip over"), my initial -- and uncontrollable -- reaction is one of shame or guilt and typically results in my boner starting to go away. It's like I can't take the criticism. (thanks mom!)

As I look back across 25 years of sexual activity, the substitution of fear for sexual arousal has been a common theme for me. I don't know why I only now realized this, I think I'm just trying to be more observant of triggers to try and figure my various brain cooties out. Just curious if anyone has any input. I'm definitely bringing this up with my psychologist for our next session.

For the record:
* Taking Wellbutrin 300mg/day for depression. IMHO this really hasn't increased my libido, nor has it changed the incidence of ED for better or worse (but it HAS helped greatly for my depression)
* Testosterone is 4.71 ng/mL, normal range is 1.75-7.81
* I pretty much regularly wake up with morning wood
* Extremely healthy, do not smoke, exercise all the time, lift weights, etc
* Smoke pot 3-4x a week, drink 5-8 drinks per week
* Recently discovered I've been on the lower end of vitamin D range (32 nG/mL taking 2000 IU of D-3 supplement; so upped it to 5000 IU)
* Naturopath suggests I might have chronic food intolerance issue and to get a blood test but it's $350 so I'm saving up! Not sure that eliminating soy from my diet, or whatever, will help me get boners, but I'll try anything.

Cheers,
-G

Well, first I would suggest backing off the pot. Pot is not conducive to an erection. Here's an article from a rather biased site

Weed Wiener: Smoking Pot May Cause ED | High Times

There are plenty of other resources that support this idea, I just wanted to link you to a site that you would think would deny that connection. Drinking is another one. There's a reason they call it "drunk ****".

Second I think you should talk to a counselor. Found out where this fear is coming from and then develop some coping mechanisms.

So backing off those two substances and getting some coping mechanisms may help.

Thanks for the input. I'm not convinced it's weed, but it's certainly something to consider. The comments below that High Times article are hilarious. "Total bs! I'm high 24/7 and have 5 kids!"

I'm pretty sure alcohol-related ED occurs at the "drunk as ****" level, not the "had a coupla drinks with dinner" level. Generally speaking, I'm hardly ever drunk as **** anymore.

But yeah, that's one truth I didn't want to hear was giving up the intoxicants for a while, thanks for the painful reminder.